Friday, June 30, 2006
Parlez vous Wanklais?
Hilary Harper, la journaliste de circulation par excellence, detait assez gentil pour m'avertir d'un "contretemps" sur la grande route d'Monash un matin recemment. Merci Hilary!
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Sure as you can’t steer a train, you can’t change your fate.
I noticed the train driver this morning was talking on his mobile phone as he drew into the station. With my current level of animosity towards Connex and the Department of Infrastructure, I wanted to go up and slap on his window, or issue a Citizen’s Fine, or something. But my desire to secure a seat for the journey won out, and I shuffled on with the rest of the sardines, and put my life in the hands of a distracted driver. I wonder if he texts as well? Tell my wife I love her…
UPDATE 1: You won't believe it, but then my tram driver last night was yapping on his phone as well! It's an epidemic. Save yourselves!
UPDATE 2: This is quite freaky. It gets worse! I caught a bus today and the driver was driving with a cup of coffee in his hand! Three days, three forms of transport, three drivers with other things on their minds. Reminds me of the time an old girlfriend was speeding in her manual car through peak-hour traffic whilst smoking and talking on her mobile at the same time. That was a fun ride. Maybe it's me?
UPDATE 1: You won't believe it, but then my tram driver last night was yapping on his phone as well! It's an epidemic. Save yourselves!
UPDATE 2: This is quite freaky. It gets worse! I caught a bus today and the driver was driving with a cup of coffee in his hand! Three days, three forms of transport, three drivers with other things on their minds. Reminds me of the time an old girlfriend was speeding in her manual car through peak-hour traffic whilst smoking and talking on her mobile at the same time. That was a fun ride. Maybe it's me?
Friday, June 23, 2006
My Top 5 Most Devalued Words/Phrases in the English Language.
5. SALE
Seems like everyone’s having a SALE these days. All day, every day. You don’t need a reason, you just need a sign. We're overstocked with ‘em and they’ve all got to go! Used to be when SALE appeared out the front of a shop, it meant you’d find things inside ‘on sale’, that is, at a reduced price. Today it’s more an indication that things inside are merely ‘for sale’. Business as usual. Sure, there might be three, possibly four, items marked down, but they’re usually ones you wouldn’t normally buy if they were free. They lure you in with an empty promise, then sit back hoping the full-price shiny things will work their magic. And I guess they do because that swarm of signs ain't going away.
4. EXCLUSIVE
Seems like everything’s an ‘Exclusive’ these days. Or 'EXCLUSIVE', rather. Every news report, every article, every interview… they’re all Exclusives. Although other networks, papers and magazines seem to end up with what they want eventually anyway, and usually on the same day, so I don’t really see what’s so exclusive and why it’s so significant? I couldn’t care less if someone gets somesuch a little later than someone else, or if there are two watermarks instead of one. And when you see what they're proudly proclaiming as an EXCLUSIVE, you wonder why they bother. What? An EXCLUSIVE interview with Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell on Channel 9? I bet the other networks are whipping themselves stupid over letting that one get away! And it’s funny how often the competing current affairs programs both end up with their own EXCLUSIVE on the same story…
3. AWESOME
Seems like everything’s ‘Awesome’ these days. Nothing is too small or too trivial to be described as such. The other day I heard someone describe their chewing gum as awesome. Last year I gave someone a blank sheet of A4 paper and they said that was awesome. 'Awesome' means 'inspiring awe'. Does your gum really inspire awe? If you mean 'really good' find a word that means 'really good' and keep your hyperbole to yourself. A.Word.A.Day, the awesome email newsletter I subscribe to, is occasionally sponsored by ‘Crazy Aaron’s Thinking Putty’ which their ad proclaims as ‘an awesome stress reliever’. (Or an ‘awesome stocking stuffer’ around Christmas). I wrote to AWAD to tell them I felt this ad was a disservice to the word. “God, for example, is awesome,” I wrote, “a sunrise over the Himalayas is awesome, ‘Crazy Aaron’s Thinking Putty’ is unlikely to be awesome.” I received no reply. :-)
2. LITERALLY
Seems literally everything is literal these days. ‘Literally’ used to indicate you were using a familiar, metaphorical figure of speech in a literal way, as in, “Kate literally threw the baby out with the bathwater” or “It’s literally on the tip of my tongue” when trying to recall the name of the lolly you’re sucking. Now it’s more frequently used to indicate something is meant in its strongest possible sense. A number of examples from my collection of misuses include:
1. CONNEX APOLOGISES FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE CAUSED
Seems like Connex is apologising a lot these days. My train home is late nearly every single night and Connex dutifully apologises for most of them with the same push-button recording. I now know every word, every pause, every subtle shift in intonation and, you know, the apology’s really starting to lose its sincerity. It’s like they’re saying it because they feel they have to, not because they actually mean it. Shocking, I know; I feel like I’ve lost my innocence. Train after train, night after night. I now get more annoyed at hearing the same hollow recording for the millionth time than I do about my train being late. Is it too much to ask for even one alternate recording? Just to keep things fresh? Just so it doesn’t seem quite so forced?
Well, that was most cathartic. Thanks for stopping by, and I apologise for any inconvenience caused.
Seems like everyone’s having a SALE these days. All day, every day. You don’t need a reason, you just need a sign. We're overstocked with ‘em and they’ve all got to go! Used to be when SALE appeared out the front of a shop, it meant you’d find things inside ‘on sale’, that is, at a reduced price. Today it’s more an indication that things inside are merely ‘for sale’. Business as usual. Sure, there might be three, possibly four, items marked down, but they’re usually ones you wouldn’t normally buy if they were free. They lure you in with an empty promise, then sit back hoping the full-price shiny things will work their magic. And I guess they do because that swarm of signs ain't going away.
4. EXCLUSIVE
Seems like everything’s an ‘Exclusive’ these days. Or 'EXCLUSIVE', rather. Every news report, every article, every interview… they’re all Exclusives. Although other networks, papers and magazines seem to end up with what they want eventually anyway, and usually on the same day, so I don’t really see what’s so exclusive and why it’s so significant? I couldn’t care less if someone gets somesuch a little later than someone else, or if there are two watermarks instead of one. And when you see what they're proudly proclaiming as an EXCLUSIVE, you wonder why they bother. What? An EXCLUSIVE interview with Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell on Channel 9? I bet the other networks are whipping themselves stupid over letting that one get away! And it’s funny how often the competing current affairs programs both end up with their own EXCLUSIVE on the same story…
3. AWESOME
Seems like everything’s ‘Awesome’ these days. Nothing is too small or too trivial to be described as such. The other day I heard someone describe their chewing gum as awesome. Last year I gave someone a blank sheet of A4 paper and they said that was awesome. 'Awesome' means 'inspiring awe'. Does your gum really inspire awe? If you mean 'really good' find a word that means 'really good' and keep your hyperbole to yourself. A.Word.A.Day, the awesome email newsletter I subscribe to, is occasionally sponsored by ‘Crazy Aaron’s Thinking Putty’ which their ad proclaims as ‘an awesome stress reliever’. (Or an ‘awesome stocking stuffer’ around Christmas). I wrote to AWAD to tell them I felt this ad was a disservice to the word. “God, for example, is awesome,” I wrote, “a sunrise over the Himalayas is awesome, ‘Crazy Aaron’s Thinking Putty’ is unlikely to be awesome.” I received no reply. :-)
2. LITERALLY
Seems literally everything is literal these days. ‘Literally’ used to indicate you were using a familiar, metaphorical figure of speech in a literal way, as in, “Kate literally threw the baby out with the bathwater” or “It’s literally on the tip of my tongue” when trying to recall the name of the lolly you’re sucking. Now it’s more frequently used to indicate something is meant in its strongest possible sense. A number of examples from my collection of misuses include:
• “The new single from Suede has literally just walked in the door.” –Caroline Tran, Triple J DJThe more people use the word in this way, the more it weakens its very specific, very useful and indeed, very pleasing sense of a common phrase being meant in a literal way, and I think this is a shame.
• “She’s literally a chain smoker.” –Student
• “There are literally only a handful of troops here in Baghdad."
–Television Reporter
• “Cars that smoke really get up my nose… literally.” –EPA radio ad
• "Australians are literally becoming allergic to living."
–A Current Affair reporter
1. CONNEX APOLOGISES FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE CAUSED
Seems like Connex is apologising a lot these days. My train home is late nearly every single night and Connex dutifully apologises for most of them with the same push-button recording. I now know every word, every pause, every subtle shift in intonation and, you know, the apology’s really starting to lose its sincerity. It’s like they’re saying it because they feel they have to, not because they actually mean it. Shocking, I know; I feel like I’ve lost my innocence. Train after train, night after night. I now get more annoyed at hearing the same hollow recording for the millionth time than I do about my train being late. Is it too much to ask for even one alternate recording? Just to keep things fresh? Just so it doesn’t seem quite so forced?
Well, that was most cathartic. Thanks for stopping by, and I apologise for any inconvenience caused.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
The Aras End of the World.
(Here be Survivor: Exile Island spoilers.)
Glory be. Some guy called Arse just won the current series of Survivor! Well, it’s spelt ‘Aras’ but everyone was clearly pronouncing it ‘arse’. Or maybe he was just really unpopular and they actually were calling him ‘arse’? I don’t know, I’ve never watched Survivor. Kate happened to have it on and she pointed out his unfortunate name as I was passing by. If I’d known this earlier I would have had money on him to win. Anyone who’s gone through school with a name like ‘Aras’ is clearly a survivor. I guess he’s lucky he’s American where I gather most people would draw a distinction between ‘ass’ and ‘Aras’. Either way, I’m adding his name to my list of names to never call my children. Yes, I have a list. I also have a list of surnames I’d be uncertain of keeping if I happened to be born with one of them.
Glory be. Some guy called Arse just won the current series of Survivor! Well, it’s spelt ‘Aras’ but everyone was clearly pronouncing it ‘arse’. Or maybe he was just really unpopular and they actually were calling him ‘arse’? I don’t know, I’ve never watched Survivor. Kate happened to have it on and she pointed out his unfortunate name as I was passing by. If I’d known this earlier I would have had money on him to win. Anyone who’s gone through school with a name like ‘Aras’ is clearly a survivor. I guess he’s lucky he’s American where I gather most people would draw a distinction between ‘ass’ and ‘Aras’. Either way, I’m adding his name to my list of names to never call my children. Yes, I have a list. I also have a list of surnames I’d be uncertain of keeping if I happened to be born with one of them.
My Top 5 Surnames You'd Better Have A Good Reason For Keeping (work-in-progress)I just read a book by Colin Manlove. Imagine being Aras Manlove. Hmm, no thanks.
5. Tinkler
4. Roughead
3. Hercock
2. Cobbledick
1. Manlove
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Rocturnal.
This morning I woke up with Wolfmother’s ‘Woman’ blaring at full speed (and full volume) in my head. I became conscious and was instantly aware of the main riff hurtling around my skull with its size 12 boots on. I wonder if it had been on loop in my subconscious the whole night, or whether it simply started up again when I woke, as though I’d just taken the song off pause? I wonder what goes on in my brain when I’m not there?
(Rereads post. Hmm. Wolfmother’s 'Woman'? I’m glad a lot of Freud’s theories have been discredited because he’d no doubt have had a field day with the supposed significance of this one.) :-)
(Rereads post. Hmm. Wolfmother’s 'Woman'? I’m glad a lot of Freud’s theories have been discredited because he’d no doubt have had a field day with the supposed significance of this one.) :-)
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Predicting good things.
A couple of observations about Predictive Text on mobile phones.
As a lover of books and of home, I am pleased to see that ‘book’ is followed by ‘cool’ and that ‘home’ is followed by ‘good’.
As a father, I am pleased that ‘dad’ comes before ‘fad’, but am surprised to find that 686 defaults to ‘nun’, not ‘mum’. The order of words is not determined alphabetically, so maybe the phonemakers have research that shows people will be more likely to text about nuns than mums?
Anyone got any observations of their own?
UPDATE
The thought just occurred that maybe mum's deference to nun was a trans-Atlantic/Pacific-type thing, and that maybe Nokia, etc, use US English, but when I entered 'mom' I was given a firm 'non'! Well, merci Nokia. Now I’m confused again.
UPDATE 2
Ducking funny video here on the History of Predictive Text Swearing.
As a lover of books and of home, I am pleased to see that ‘book’ is followed by ‘cool’ and that ‘home’ is followed by ‘good’.
As a father, I am pleased that ‘dad’ comes before ‘fad’, but am surprised to find that 686 defaults to ‘nun’, not ‘mum’. The order of words is not determined alphabetically, so maybe the phonemakers have research that shows people will be more likely to text about nuns than mums?
Anyone got any observations of their own?
UPDATE
The thought just occurred that maybe mum's deference to nun was a trans-Atlantic/Pacific-type thing, and that maybe Nokia, etc, use US English, but when I entered 'mom' I was given a firm 'non'! Well, merci Nokia. Now I’m confused again.
UPDATE 2
Ducking funny video here on the History of Predictive Text Swearing.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Credit where credits are due.
(Here be Six Feet Under spoilers.)
I cannot count the times I sat exhausted, reeling in response to another high-intensity episode of the brilliant Six Feet Under, when Pete "Copperart" Smith (Network 9’s ubiquitous voiceover man), would bust in, trample the closing theme and vomit all over me with his pointless promo for some upcoming piece of nothing.
I know they need to advertise, but it always seemed so inappropriate, especially with a show like SFU. Instead of being a quiet moment of music and introspection that allowed you to disengage and start to process, it became a desperate scramble for the remote so you could hit Mute before Pete would hove into view and kill the moment.
One of the best things about watching SFU via… other means than network TV, besides being able to set your own agenda, was the freedom from Pete and his inane blather. So it was with great pleasure (although great sympathy as well) that I read the following letter in this week’s Green Guide.
I cannot count the times I sat exhausted, reeling in response to another high-intensity episode of the brilliant Six Feet Under, when Pete "Copperart" Smith (Network 9’s ubiquitous voiceover man), would bust in, trample the closing theme and vomit all over me with his pointless promo for some upcoming piece of nothing.
I know they need to advertise, but it always seemed so inappropriate, especially with a show like SFU. Instead of being a quiet moment of music and introspection that allowed you to disengage and start to process, it became a desperate scramble for the remote so you could hit Mute before Pete would hove into view and kill the moment.
One of the best things about watching SFU via… other means than network TV, besides being able to set your own agenda, was the freedom from Pete and his inane blather. So it was with great pleasure (although great sympathy as well) that I read the following letter in this week’s Green Guide.
If I hadn’t heard it I wouldn’t have believed it. Seven seconds into the closing credits of Monday night’s Six Feet Under, just after Nate had died, a Channel Nine voice-over said “We hope you enjoyed Six Feet Under. Tonight 10:30, we’ll have you laughing with brand new Comedy Inc, the series where no-one is safe and nothing is sacred, taking aim at the living and the dead.” Unbelievable.Sadly, Chris; it’s not unbelievable at all. Seems like a fitting epitaph for Six Feet’s run on network TV.
Chris Page, East Malvern.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
A date with the Devil.
Argh! Argh! It’s 06.06.06! That’s three zeros in a row which is the number you dial in an emergency! And oh my gosh, it’s also three sixes in a row! Awooga, awooga! Abandon ship! Nail bits of crooked wood over the windows! Don’t eat the salmon mousse! I just saw a cat and a dog out the window sitting on a couch smoking a pipe together! The end times are upon us...
Or not? Who’s to say if Satan operates by our Gregorian calendar? Maybe he’s still using the Julian one, or has progressed to the Holocene calendar, or he’s possibly even developed his own demonic version?! Our 06.06.06 might be a public holiday on his Demonorian calender and he’s actually taken the day off?
Whatever the case, I’m just glad I’ve got Jesus watching my back. See you tomorrow.
UPDATE: Well, we survived. Thank Heavens. I think the greatest danger (besides the normal one of having YOUR FACE EATEN OFF) came from the swarm of press releases swooping through the air like a murder of crows. Seems like every man and his Cerberus was releasing some hell-related product yesterday. Nothing like a good gimmick, I guess?
Or not? Who’s to say if Satan operates by our Gregorian calendar? Maybe he’s still using the Julian one, or has progressed to the Holocene calendar, or he’s possibly even developed his own demonic version?! Our 06.06.06 might be a public holiday on his Demonorian calender and he’s actually taken the day off?
Whatever the case, I’m just glad I’ve got Jesus watching my back. See you tomorrow.
UPDATE: Well, we survived. Thank Heavens. I think the greatest danger (besides the normal one of having YOUR FACE EATEN OFF) came from the swarm of press releases swooping through the air like a murder of crows. Seems like every man and his Cerberus was releasing some hell-related product yesterday. Nothing like a good gimmick, I guess?
Monday, June 05, 2006
Where'd they steal this idea from?
Back in 1992 a news clipping from The Age newspaper was distributed amongst the Year 12 students at my high school. The controversial article outlined a drastic new plan whereby the government would imprison students who were found to be cheating on their Common Assessment Tasks. This controversial move was in response to a report that uncovered high levels of cheating throughout the VCE program, including instances of students paying other students to complete their assignments for them.
The article sent the student body into fits. Ever-vigilant Student Council members protested in the strongest of terms to anyone who'd listen, labelling the idea draconian, unconstitutional and absolutely preposterous. And of course it would have been; if it were true.
Turns out a mischievous student (who shall remain nameless but who made a pretty penny completing others students’ assignments), had so much free time on his hands that he fabricated the article himself for a bit of a laugh. I don't think even he expected it to be swallowed as quickly and as easily as it was.
The incident was just brought back to mind when I came across this familiar-sounding story from the BBC Online. It appears that the West African Examinations Council is threatening school pupils in Liberia with possible prison sentences if they cheat in their exams! Ma… I mean, the unnamed student was 14 years ahead of his time!
Somehow I ended up with the original article stuck to my bedroom wall, but I’m not sure where it is anymore. Might have got lost during a move, or it might be sitting in some box somewhere, just waiting to come out into the light once again. We’ll just have to wait and see.
The article sent the student body into fits. Ever-vigilant Student Council members protested in the strongest of terms to anyone who'd listen, labelling the idea draconian, unconstitutional and absolutely preposterous. And of course it would have been; if it were true.
Turns out a mischievous student (who shall remain nameless but who made a pretty penny completing others students’ assignments), had so much free time on his hands that he fabricated the article himself for a bit of a laugh. I don't think even he expected it to be swallowed as quickly and as easily as it was.
The incident was just brought back to mind when I came across this familiar-sounding story from the BBC Online. It appears that the West African Examinations Council is threatening school pupils in Liberia with possible prison sentences if they cheat in their exams! Ma… I mean, the unnamed student was 14 years ahead of his time!
Somehow I ended up with the original article stuck to my bedroom wall, but I’m not sure where it is anymore. Might have got lost during a move, or it might be sitting in some box somewhere, just waiting to come out into the light once again. We’ll just have to wait and see.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
A rock star and a hard place.
If over the next few months I happen to kick down your door and strut in screaming, “Hellomelbourneareyoureadytoroooooooock?!” please forgive me, nod politely and go about your business. I’ve just started using ‘Instant Rockstar’ hair product, you see, and I’m not sure how literal its claim will turn out to be.
Instant Rockstar? How desperately lame. It took me some time to muster enough courage to overcome my embarrassment and take it to the counter. It was like I was sixteen again, trying to rent an R-rated movie from the video store. The helpful woman at the Hairhouse Warehouse, however, assured me it would do exactly what I wanted my hair product to do, so what’s a 31 year old, decidedly un-rockstar personality to do?
As an aside, apparently Bart went to school with the brains behind Instant Rockstar! He was the slack-arse who no-one thought would amount to anything, but I guess he's proved 'em wrong. Although, Instant Rockstar? Maybe not. It's certainly not a name I would have chosen if I’d been involved, but if it’s shifting units and working out, good luck to him, I guess. I’m yet to be convinced the product's better than its ridiculous name, but we’ll just have to see.
Instant Rockstar? How desperately lame. It took me some time to muster enough courage to overcome my embarrassment and take it to the counter. It was like I was sixteen again, trying to rent an R-rated movie from the video store. The helpful woman at the Hairhouse Warehouse, however, assured me it would do exactly what I wanted my hair product to do, so what’s a 31 year old, decidedly un-rockstar personality to do?
As an aside, apparently Bart went to school with the brains behind Instant Rockstar! He was the slack-arse who no-one thought would amount to anything, but I guess he's proved 'em wrong. Although, Instant Rockstar? Maybe not. It's certainly not a name I would have chosen if I’d been involved, but if it’s shifting units and working out, good luck to him, I guess. I’m yet to be convinced the product's better than its ridiculous name, but we’ll just have to see.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
People for the Ethical Treatment of Children.
I'm sure there are only too many demented half-wits out there, muttering to themselves as they rock back and forth in their straight-jackets, who, assuming you could get close enough to ask, would reply that, yes, they do indeed find the pictures below to be infinitely cute and delightfully adorable.
Not that you'd be likely to understand their answer, punctuated as it no doubt would be with fits of insane cackling and liberally smothered in streams of drool. I, on the other hand, find these images to be terrifying and deeply unsettling. Filled with menace and a definite sense of impending ultra-violence. I’m sure this poor child has a date with a tumble-drier somewhere not too far in its future.
Thanks CK for sending me the images. I’ve forwarded them on to the appropriate authorities.
Not that you'd be likely to understand their answer, punctuated as it no doubt would be with fits of insane cackling and liberally smothered in streams of drool. I, on the other hand, find these images to be terrifying and deeply unsettling. Filled with menace and a definite sense of impending ultra-violence. I’m sure this poor child has a date with a tumble-drier somewhere not too far in its future.
Thanks CK for sending me the images. I’ve forwarded them on to the appropriate authorities.
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