2011 Fish Balloon Birdbath Cup.

Life is all about opportunities. Those you take, and those you don't. For Post, the 2011 Fish Balloon Birdbath Cup was an opportunity. An opportunity to achieve that which no man (or woman) has achieved before: to hold the three crowns of Templestowe—Master of Demolitions, Toss King and Keeper of the FNOath—at one time.

Many had tried. None had succeeded.

But with Post confirmed as Master of Demolitions and reigning as Toss King, all that remained was to claim the Oath and he was done. Clean sweep. And as he'd triumphed at the Cup before—twice in fact—this opportunity looked ready to be taken.

And take it now he must, because the wheel of time was turning and the annual Slurpee Toss was fast approaching. If Post was to lose the Toss, he would lose an opportunity many were saying he would never see again. For although he was the reigning Toss King, Post had typically not performed well at the Toss—or at least well enough to overcome he who had made the sport his own: Bart.

But in 2010, fortune smiled upon Post, and he at last secured the title of Toss King. And look, let's not concern ourselves to any great extent regarding the details of that year's contest; no, let's just gaze up at the Honour Roll and read '2010—Post'.

And then let's look to the 2011 Birdbath Cup and wonder: Toss King, Master of Demolitions… can Post make history by claiming Keeper of the Oath as well? Let the bottle drop!

First Elimination Final Post v CK
Showing an impressive commitment to the Cup, CK travelled to Templestowe all the way from Werribee, an outer suburb of Melbourne on the other side of town.

But his long journey came to a short end, as an initial burst of activity took CK to a 4-0 lead, but also to the brink of cardiac arrest.

Struggling to breathe, CK called a time out and made his way to the bench to recover. While CK reflected on the perils of ignoring a rigorous pre-season, the action continued.

Second Elimination Final Bart v JJ Glamma
The second elimination was a family affair featuring Bart (in some fetching calf-warmers) and JJ Glamma.
 

Many were hoping to see a repeat of their epic encounter at the 2009 Cup, that saw Glamma outlast his younger sibling and claim the match 11-9—a record score at the Cup. But sadly it was not to be as Bart blasted home five unanswered goals before Glamma even got himself on the board.

Hopes of a comeback were quickly dashed as Bart volleyed a serve under the bench for 2, securing the final 7-2.

First Elimination Final (resumed) Post v CK
When Post and CK resumed their final it was immediately apparent the damage had been done.

Though CK did add a one-point goal to his score, it was otherwise all Post, as the veteran stormed from four down to finish CK off 5-7.

First Semi-final Davet v Post
But there was no rest for the wicked or for Post that day, as he moved straight into his semi-final against Davet. The last time these two met was in the Grand Final at the 2008 Cup, where Post massacred Davet 7-1.

But in 2011 the pressure was all on Post, as his dream depended on Davet's defeat. Trading goal for goal the score inched its way up to 5 apiece. Wearniness was setting in, but Davet, finding something deep within, caught Post flat-footed and blasted an ace between his opponent's feet, taking the score to 6-5.

Davet returned to the line to serve again.

The opportunity was still there.

Davet sent the bottle scorching past Post again for another ace!

The opportunity was lost.

Post congratulated his opponent, but you could see it in his eyes. This one hurt. Hurt a lot.

Second Semi-final Bart v Ahab
The draw had been kind to the reigning champ Ahab who, fresh as a spring daisy, stepped out to meet Bart in the Second Semi-final. But sometimes being fresh doesn't count as much as having had time to settle in and find your range, which Bart clearly had.

There was plenty of big kicking on display and Ahab battled bravely, but the result was never in doubt. Bart imposed himself even more physically than usual…

…and sent Ahab back to the bench 7-5.

Grand Final Davet v Bart
Though Post may not have been there playing to make history, the Fish Balloon Birdbath Cup Grand Final is always an exciting match. And 2011 was no exception. Bart was in scintillating form, and though he'd just finished his second match for the day, he showed no signs of wearying.

Davet started strong, refusing to be intimated by Bart, and taking the early lead. But in typical style, Bart slotted home an intercontinental 3-point goal from way off the bricks, turning the momentum very much back his way.

And though Davet didn't lie down, he didn't get another look in, as Bart stormed home, claiming the match and the Cup 7-3. All credit to Bart, though his form at the Cup has been patchy in the past, in 2011 he did it, and he did it the hardest way you can, ascending to the summit by the longest possible route.

Bart, Keeper of the FNOath.

And with this result, a new opportunity arises. If Bart can reclaim Toss King—surely all but a certainty—will he go on to mount his own campaign for three crown glory and challenge Post for the last remaining title, Master of Demolitions? Concerns still linger over the adverse health effects that led to the competition being abandoned way back in 1995, but if anything can inspire a man to demolish a mountain of ice once more, it's surely the chance to claim glory everlasting.

Wouldn't want to pass up an opportunity.

FURTHER READING
The 2009 Fish Balloon Birdbath Cup
The 2008 Birdbath Olympic Cup
The 2007 Birdbath World Cup
A Concise History of All Things FNO

Obi-Wan never gave spoilers.

In addition to reading Winter The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, I've also just started playing the Lego Star Wars computer game with her. Life goal #36: complete.

And my, she loves it. When we sit down to play, she never wants to stop. The first thing she says to me each morning is, "Daddy, we play Lego Star Wars?" And if that's not proof enough of her devotion, the other night at bedtime she prayed, "And thank you Jesus for Lego Star Wars." Oh my.

Almost had a disaster this morning, though. I'd just woken up and Winter had come in to ask questions about Lego Star Wars.

Winter: Did you unlock any new characters last night, Dad?"

Me: Yep, Jango Fett.
Winter: Who's Jango Fett?
Me: Boba Fett's dad.
Winter: [pause] I didn't know people in Star Wars had dads!

Now, in hindsight, this should maybe have set off some kind of an alarm, but, for whatever reason, it didn't.

Me: Yeah, of course.
Winter: Who else has a dad?

Ok, this definitely should have triggered an alarm, but Winter's favourite character is Queen Amidala, who I'd earlier identified as Princess Leia's mum, so the groundwork for Princess Leia having a dad had already been laid and I carried right on…

Me: Well, Princess Leia has a dad. He's married to Princess Leia's mum.
Winter: Really? Who's Princess Leia's dad?

Ok, let's keep in mind that I had just woken up and my brain was not yet functioning properly, because that's the only way I can think of to explain:

Me: Darth Vader.

AWOOGA AWOOGA. At LAST an alarm went off and I abandoned ship!

Winter: Really?
Me: [pause] Um, well, sort of... but you don't know who that is, do you? Darth Vader?
Winter: The black one. With the helmet.
Me: Oh. [pause] [looooong pause] So anyway. Breakfast?

Look, it could have been worse. She doesn't know the connection between Princess Leia and … some other character who also has a father. And she won't find out that connection until after the… other connection is revealed, so we're all good. As long as I can keep my mouth shut until she's old enough to watch the movies.

UPDATE
Well, Christmas is coming, and I've been looking everywhere to try and find Winter a present that could encourage her interest in Star Waaaaaait a second, what the heck is this?

Princess Vader, you say? Perfect! Ticks all the boxes I can think of. Hmm, only thing is it's a custom job, so if I want something similar I better get to work.

The Child, the Book and the Checklist.

Just finished reading The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe to Winter. Life goal #22: complete.

Next up: Prince Caspian, because the books should be read in published order not chronological order. In my extraordinarily humble opinion.

UPDATE
Haha. Glamma informs me that the reading order for the Narnia series is actually a highly contentious issue that has been debated on the Internet at great length. I shouldn't be surprised—I've been on the Internet long enough to know that almost every issue has been debated at great length thereon—but still, I am. I mean, I can't see how anyone could argue in favour of reading them chronologically—at least, no one who'd actually read the books. To start with the Magican's Nephew is to totally undermine, ruin even, the whole story of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, and to diffuse it of its magic. Maybe you could argue for some other non-publishing order, but never chronological.

Steve Jobs – 1955-2011

As a child I never stopped dreaming about the future and what it would be like. My iPhone was the first thing to make it feel like the future had arrived. Thanks Steve. Rest in peace.

Happy Star Wars™ Day™.

I wasn't going to do a post for Star Wars™ Day™ this year. It's getting pretty tough coming up with new reasons to be excited (and new illnesses), and I didn't want my annual posts to become little more than a whinge about how much better things were back when I were a boy. Wa, wa, wa.

But then a friend sent me an article, I was a Star Wars fan – I'm still recovering, that so perfectly captured my own experience (someone else played Tapper?!), that I thought, "What the hell, one more whinge for old times' sake."

It's been a rough dozen years for us Star Wars fans. The release of The Phantom Menace split the community in half, the gushers (people who loved it) and the bashers (people who didn't). If you can't tell from my equating fandom with alcoholism, I am a basher. Each of the next two movies, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, was worse than the last, and it became increasingly hard to identify as a fan. After all, the whole franchise was based on six feature films, and I hated half of them (and only sort of liked Return of the Jedi).

Do click through. It's a great piece.

I've got to say, the deeper I get buried in disappointment, the more I warm to the idea of rebooting the franchise. My. I never thought I'd say that. I'm generally opposed to rebooting, just on principle. The current craze for it—Battlestar Galactica, V, The Hulk, Spiderman, Star Trek, Conan, etc, etc—reeks of profiteering; less, if at all, about telling better stories than simply exploiting nostalgia to maximise ticket sales.

But with Star Wars I'm prepared to make an exception. Because let's just admit it: the Star Wars saga is broken. Broken beyond repair. The warning signs were there in 1997 with the Special Editions, but it wasn't until the Prequels that the rot really set in. And as the years rolled by, the infection has spread so far that the only thing to do is burn the bugger to the ground and start again.

It's a drastic solution, for sure, but as I see it, rebooting would offer a chance to fix three of the Prequels' biggest flaws.

1. Far too special effects
George Lucas once said:

"Special effects are just a tool: a means of telling a story. People have a tendency to confuse them as an ends unto themselves."

And George should know, because it's a tendency he's fallen into himself. He continues:

"A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing."

Well, quite, but did you really need to make three multi-million dollar films to prove it? Point made! Give it a rest. What story there was in the Prequels was there only to support a special effects showcase. If Lucas had put the effort into crafting his narrative that he put into conjuring his effects, the Prequels might even have been good.

2. Joining the dots
One big problem with the Prequels is that faced by any prequel: we already know how it's going to end. Maybe not the details, but certainly the framework, and Lucas didn't try to subvert or challenge this at all. Like, we all knew Sidious was Palpatine, right? The hints were as subtle as a Force push to the face. Well, imagine it had turned out he wasn't! Imagine if Lucas—knowing what we thought we knew—had appeared to confirm it, only to pull the walking carpet out from under our feet when the great reveal finally occurred! But no. He joined the dots from A to V and woke us all up when we got there.

Rebooting would let us re-establish the characters we love, then enjoy their continuing adventures into the unknown. Han could live again! Sure, no one can replace Harrison, but everyone else is up for grabs, right? It's not like Mark Hamill, bless him, won any Oscars for his performance. Actually, thinking about it, maybe Harrison can be replaced? I'd love to see Sam Rockwell's Han Solo. Or Ed Norton, Christian Bale, Josh Brolin or even Brad Pitt! And what about Rupert Grint trying out for Luke? Seriously. And Emily Browning for Leia? Anyway.

3. Forward to the past
It's always bugged me how the universe of the Prequels is so obviously more technologically advanced than the Classic trilogy. And saying the galaxy withered and went backwards after the fall of the Old Republic doesn't explain how a slave boy's podracer can be more sophisticated than the Imperial military's frontline fighters. Anachronisms like that yank me out of the universe and remind me I'm watching a film made 20 years after the first. But a rebooted universe would let us start from the start (crazy!), and advances in the world of filmmaking could walk hand-in-hand with the worlds of the film. Everything can match, continuity can be achieved, and balance can be restored!

'Course, none of this could ever happen before—God forbid—Uncle George shuffles off to a galaxy far, far away... but we can dream, can't we? Dream of a re-imagined Classic trilogy—essentially unchanged (the Ewok storyline needs tweaking)—but made with today's filmmaking technology, followed up by an adaptation of Timothy Zahn's Thrawn trilogy, and concluded with a third trilogy based around the Yuuzhan Vong series. Or even better, get Zahn and the equally great Michael A Stackpole to craft something new altogether! And Peter Jackson can direct the lot! Or Christopher Nolan! I'm not picky. They can take it in turns if they want. Sure, it'd have to be done right—and there's oh-so-so much potential for it to go horribly wrong—but hey, I'm an optimist, so I believe.

Right, I'm off to watch Empire again. Happy Star Wars™ Day™. May the fourth be with you.

UPDATE
Now this could be interesting. Joe Johnston, Hollywood director and the man credited with designing Boba Fett's armour, wants to spin off a Boba Fett film. Not quite what I was thinking off, but it could be great—if it brushed with small strokes, limiting itself to a standalone story and avoiding any reference to Boba's growing back story. Young Boba in the Clone Wars animated series wasn't as bad as in the Prequels, but he wasn't much good either as he had to carry all of Lucas' baggage from the Prequels. I guess we'll see.

UPDATE 2
You're really not doing yourself any favours, you know, George? Sigh. The Blu-rays are out, and Lucas' urge to tinker is as irresistible as ever. The Ewoks now blink—at last—and arguably the worst moment in the Prequel trilogy now finds a reflection in the Classic. Nooooooooooo! Does anyone—even Rick "That's fantastic, George" McCallum—think these changes are good? Do any of them enhance the story at all? When will it end? Embarrassing.

UPDATE 3
George Lucas Strikes Back. With a little help from some old friends. Very good.

Choc lotto.

Made the mistake of buying a Cadbury Boost bar the other day. Mistake because I enjoyed it so much I bought another one the next day. And a third the day after that. Third time unlucky though, because halfway through the chocolate bar I discovered not so much a Golden Ticket, but more a small flap of blue plastic.


Eurgh. Gave it a tug, but it was stuck fast. First reaction was disappointment I wasn't going to be able to finish my chocolate bar. Called the number on the wrapper and got through to a very friendly woman who took down the details. After confirming the plastic was soft, she expressed relief that no one had been hurt. "It shouldn't have been there at all, of course," she said, "but it's great to hear it's unlikely to have hurt anyone."

A Reply Paid envelope would be dispatched, she said, so I could return the sample, and after a couple more questions she wished me all the best and we were done. I have to say, I was impressed by the exchange. The woman was friendly, helpful and seemed genuinely concerned about getting the issue resolved. I don't know what I was expecting. An automated set of recordings or the bored teenager working through a script that I usually seem to encounter when dealing with corporations over the phone, I guess.

Anyway, mail arrived today.


Not quite the Lifetime Supply of Boost Bars I'd been hoping for, but still, nice. "We appreciate you bringing this incident to our attention," the enclosed letter read, "and trust the complimentary parcel you received helped to restore your faith in our products." Well, let's not get too ahead of ourselves. I'll need to verify there are no further contaminants in these products before my faith can be properly restored.

Now, which one to verify first…

Summer lovin'.

Well, never thought I'd find myself saying this but, thanks summer, you've been awesome!

As a red-haired, pale-eyed, pasty sort of a fellow with an aversion to sweat, I'm not very fond of summer. By the end of February I'll normally yell, "Good riddance and don't let the falling leaves of autumn hit you on the way out."

But this year, things were a little different:


Only three days above 35 degrees, hours per day of direct sunlight well short of the average, and the wettest Victorian summer on record... well, I'm going to go on record myself and say this has been the greatest summer of my life!

I honestly feel blessed to have lived through the "summer that wasn't" of 2010-11. Summer of '69, you say? Remind me what that was all about? Buying a guitar and playing in a band that didn't get anywhere? Err, ok. Was that it? Well, each to their own, I guess, but if we're ranking summers, then one with over 300 millimetres of rain sounds hard to beat to me. :)


It's like the universe finally sat up and paid attention to all my years of moaning. "Come here, squeaky wheel," it said. "How does 14 more days of rain than normal sound?" Sounds pretty great, summer. Thanks! Got to say, I like the new you. Keep this behaviour up and you'll be welcome back in my hemisphere any time.


UPDATE
Pool old Gerry Harvey's doing it tough. First the Internet came along sticking the boots into his business, and now nature's conspiring against him too!

"The executive chairman of retailer Harvey Norman, Gerry Harvey, said Victorian sales of airconditioners were 30 per cent down on last year and fans and evaporative coolers had also sold poorly. "It was a very bad season for airconditioners,'' said Mr Harvey. "It would go down as one of the very bad years."

UPDATE 2
Winter said to me tonight, "Dad, I don't like summer. It's as hot as lava." Proud.

The Annual Christmas Slurpee Toss 2010.

Slurpee tossing. Doesn't sound like much. Sounds like the sort of thing a bunch of pissed blokes came up with while laying around with too much time on their hands. But for those who each year step foot on that sacred strip of Templestowe asphalt, Slurpee tossing is far more than an idle pursuit. For to toss Slurpees is to engage in that timeless struggle known as competition, and in competition the stakes are high: victory or defeat, glory or humiliation, life in abundance or death.

Sounds like serious business to me.

But serious though it is, Slurpee tossing has so far failed to achieve the wide acceptance of more traditional sports, such as football and cricket. Despite the best efforts of its fans and boosters, Slurpee tossing remains a grass-roots affair.

But the grass has begun to grow.

For in 2010, no less than the municipal council of the cities of Doncaster and Templestowe showed their support for the sport by organising a community barbecue to run in conjunction with the annual Slurpee Toss. "What better way to celebrate the festive season," the mayor possibly said, "than with sausages and Slurpees?" How indeed? And the people agreed, packing the kids and a picnic basket into the car and turning up at the appointed hour in droves. It was exciting stuff.

But when the tossers turned up and saw the crowd waiting to watch them, they weren't excited. If anything, they could only be described as, well… embarrassed! A readiness to toss turned into a stream of excuses: "Ooh, not the best conditions for tossing today, ooh, my back's a bit sore, ooh, I think I left the iron on at home…"

I know, I know. Unbelievable. At last these tossers had the audience they deserved, and yet one by one they all found an excuse to pass. All?

All but one.

While those around him wilted in the glare of a hundred eyes, only Post stayed firm. "I came here to toss," he declared, "and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Will no one join me out here on the pitch?" Disappointingly for those gathered, it looked like no one would, but then from out of the crowd stepped Dashi and Tweak.

Though they'd never tossed a Slurpee before, these two girls were ready to make a competition of this thing. Sure, aged four and two as they were, it wasn't much competition, but unlike the cowering veterans on the sidelines these two were ready to give it a shot, and the Toss was on!


Post elected to go first. Hurling himself down the pitch, he hit the line and sent his cup scorching into space like a fireball. Crashing down on the far side of the court, it was a mark the two 'small cup' competitors would find hard to beat. But what they lacked in size, they made up in heart, as each stepped forward to give it all she had.


Moving easily down the pitch, it was hard to believe Dashi hadn't done this before. With a smooth motion, she sent her cup skyward, but it came to rest only a few metres in front of her. It wouldn't land her the title, but Dashi was rightly proud of her effort nonetheless.


Tweak followed quickly and, employing the same unconventional under-arm style as used by her mother, she launched her cup right into the cameraman crouching just in front of her. A wide grin and a cheeky laugh suggested this might not have been entirely unintentional. Keep your eye on this one.


The title? The title was Post's.


Bart wandered over to shake the King's hand, and was heard to say he was reminded of the 1984 Olympics when America won all the gold because Russia didn't turn up. Perhaps fearing his comments might be seen as sour grapes, he was quick to add, "Although, you know, it was still Olympic gold." Exactly right. All a competitor can do is challenge those willing to compete on the day, and that on this day the victor could have thrown his competition as far as they were able to throw their cups... well, that's not the King's fault. It's still Olympic gold.

The Final Results (official).
1. Post (Toss King); 2. Dashi (The Jack); 3. Tweak.

All considered, it was an impressive debut by the two rookies. They might not have defeated Post, but had they been competing in 2008 they would have bested long-time campaigner Davet, and that's no small thing. The torch — or rather, the icy cup — has definitely been handed to the next generation.

All eyes now turn towards the Birdbath Cup. As Master of Demolitions and now Toss King, can Post reclaim the title of Keeper of the FNOath and realise his dream to hold all three Templetitles at once? Only time, and this blog, will tell.

See you at the Birdbath!

Too much Slurpee blogging barely enough?
Keep on Stolping: The First Pour–2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010.
Keep on Tossing: Dawn of Time–2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009.
Keep on Demolishing: The Alpha and the Omega.

The Annual Christmas Stolp 2010.

My word. It's the end of March and I still haven't posted this. Sigh. It's customary to write a few words to mark the occasion, but at this rate if I start now I probably still won't be done by the time the 2011 Stolp comes around. Suffice to say, it's always a pleasure stolping with the old crew, and 2010 was no exception. See you again soon.


Too much Slurpee blogging barely enough?
Keep on Stolping: The First Pour–2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009.
Keep on Tossing: Dawn of Time–2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010.
Keep on Demolishing: The Alpha and the Omega.

Happy approximate birthday Jesus, A.D. 2010.

Merry Christmas everyone. Happy birthday Jesus old mate. How many candles this year? Even with a margin for error, must be at least 2000, right? Oh, that's right: an immortal deity never reveals his age! Forgive me for asking. Awkward.

Anyway, Christmas at my house this year was a glittertastic celebration of pink barbie fairy princess butterfly ballerinas! Looking around after presents time, it was like a rainbow had exploded in the front room. Which was expected, of course. Especially after reading Winter's letter to Father Christmas:

Dear Father Christmas,

Can I please have a Princess Barbie doll, and a fairy doll with beautiful wings, please, and a pink flowery skirt with purple flowers, and a butterfly toy with rainbow wings, and fairy and flower stickers, and, last one, I would like a fairy dolls house. Thank you very much. PS: Also, a Daisy doll like Harper. And I want a new belt for Mum. Harper would like a birdie toy. And a Star Wars movie for Dad. And a ballerina's dress (white skirt with spots and pink top). Also some pink glitter.

Lots of love,
from Winter

Yikes. Don't forget the pink glitter, Father Christmas. One of Winter's gifts was actually a princess Barbie with a special skirt that magically transforms into a pair of fairy wings when you lift a lever on her back. Fairy Princess Barbie! What more does any girl need? There's a crossover for everyone these days.

It's not often I wish I had a son (in addition to my two wonderful girls), but I must admit Christmas is definitely one of those times. Thankfully Kate had mercy and got me the Boba Fett Mr Potato Head: Spuda Fett. He was outnumbered 50:1 by a legion of Barbies, ponies and fairies, but when he emerged from his packaging Winter grabbed a (previously purchased) Spudtrooper and began waving it around making laser noises! Don't know who she picked that up from but, mystery (I assume) boy, whoever and wherever you are, THANK YOU. :)

I must say I was impressed Winter thought to make requests for others in her letter; although I'm not sure what Star Wars movie she was thinking about: there ain't none that I want. Still, thought that counts. :)

Merry Christmas.

UPDATE
An alarming development: Winter just pointed a miniature, brightly coloured Polly Pocket coat rack at me and shouted, "Bang, bang, I shoot you dead!" My! Who has she been hanging out with?

i'd rather stab myself in the face and then unsuscribe.

Just came across this YouTube Comment Generator. Hard to believe they're randomly generated. I'm sure I've read a couple of them before.

Is there anything in the world more worthless than YouTube comments? Any activity more a waste of time? Not that there aren't videos worth commenting on – this one, for example – but what's the point? It's impossible to have any sort of a conversation, and whatever you might say would be drowned out by the half billion monkeys frantically hammering away at their keyboards.

If only YouTube had the calibre of commenters here on the Path. :)

Harper time.

After dropping Winter at playgroup and Kate at the hairdresser, Harper and I spent an hour or so wandering around the beautiful Fitzroy Gardens.

We lay on the grass and felt the warm sun and cool breeze on our skin. We collected pine cones and made a tower, which Harper promptly kicked over. "Do again, Dad? Do again? Knocky over?" We headed off the main path and up a narrow track that wound through the trees. And stumbled onto a teenage couple like fully makin' out on one of the secluded benches. With no apparent desire to stop. Oh. Um. Harper, look there's a duck back there behind us, shall we go and look at it? Yes? Good.

We watched the duck preen its feathers and then we threw twigs and leaves into the pond. Or rather, Harper threw twigs and leaves into a pond; I tried to restrain her enthusiasm and keep her from falling in. "Harper, waaaaait!" (She didn't fall in.) We chased the myna birds and told them to shoo. Nasty birds. We picked up sticks and whacked the metal bands around the trunks of many of the trees. We picked flowers for mum and took turns taking photos of whatever caught our eye. Harper by me.


Me by Harper.


Clearly she shares my fondness for photos with the heads cropped out.

And before I knew it, all too soon, it was time to go. Back into the car and back to collect Kate and Winter. Then some lunch.

As mornings go, it was another of my finest.

Sie Rebellenabschaum!

Re-imagining classic Star Wars characters as figures from World War II might seem like an exercise in redundancy, but when the results are this great, who cares?


Star Wars Transformers are good, but Star Wars 1942 is better. (Follow the link for the complete set by Sillof & Glorbes.) They look great, and the little touches—Han's jacket, Chewie's bowcaster, the power cord on Luke's lightsabre (ha)—really make the difference. Bonus points for Sillof too who "always has to have a Boba Fett in my Star Wars lines." Of course! :)

One more thing to add to my list of brown-paper-package crossovers.

UPDATE
Oh, and check out Sillof's Samurai Wars and Steam Wars collections as well. So good.

An Old Hope.

Nearly caved in and bought Star Wars on DVD today. Came to my senses as I stood there holding the discs in my hand, about to head for the checkout. I've waited a long time; I can wait a little longer. I've bought the Trilogy twice over already, and won't be doing it again until I can get the version I really want. I might be waiting a looooong time, but that's ok. I know how to wait.

I first bought the Star Wars trilogy in 1995, when remastered versions of the original films were released on the format of the day, VHS. Two years later, the Special Editions were released with suitable fanfare, and I bought the three films again.

Though initially a fan of the SEs, as I rewatched them over the years I grew to dislike them. A lot. Almost without exception, the changes were pointless...


...ridiculous...


...or brainless.


That is the same frame up there, if you can believe it. Can you find where Wally the stormtrooper is? He's behind the dinosaur. Can you see the dinosaur? Yep, just to the lef... that's it! I still haven't found Wizard Whitebeard or the scroll, but they've got to be there somewhere.

Worse, a number of actual issues that could have benefited from revision were overlooked – the monochrome, wireframe graphic displays in the TIE fighters and X-wings, for example.


How is it that the podracer of a slave boy on a planet furthest from the bright centre of the universe has a more sophisticated display...


...than the frontline fighters of the Imperial military? Unbelievable.

The worst change of all though was Greedo shooting first.


This bewildering revision completely undermined the integrity of arguably the saga's greatest character, Han Solo. How Lucas could believe Han getting the drop on an unsuspecting Greedo was somehow contrary to Solo's character… I just don't get. And how we're meant to believe Greedo could miss from that range after minutes sitting there pointing a blaster right at his target, I get even less.

No, the SEs are no good. The remastering had improved the sound and made the colours rich and even, but the changes to the story and the characters had compromised the overall package. The earlier remastered editions didn't have that problem, but the quality of VHS still left a lot to be desired. Ideally, what I wanted, if it wasn't too much to ask, were the original cinematic versions, remastered, and on a high-definition format. Like DVD! How about it, George?

Sadly, no. When the DVDs were announced in 2004, the SEs were the only option, as Lucas said they fulfilled his original vision. But like the future, always in motion is the original vision, apparently, as the Special Editions that made their way onto DVD were different to those already released on VHS. To be fair though, this time the changes weren't just indulgent tinkering, but an attempt to make connections between the classic trilogy and the new prequel trilogy which was busy crashing down around us. But once again, what started out sounding like a good idea resulted in confusion and disaster.

Anakin Skywalker's ghost, for example, which appears at the end of Return of the Jedi, was changed from Sebastian Shaw's time-of-death visage to the youthful, Prequel-era Hayden Christensen.


What?! What's the significance of that? How come Yoda and Obi-Wan's ghosts didn't get to visit the Force fountain of eternal youth? Is Hayden somehow meant to represent a redeemed Darth Vader, perhaps? This is the same Hayden who slaughtered all those adorable little Jedi kiddies, right? Sigh.

The Specialer Editions were also another opportunity for George Lucas to ruin Boba Fett. His demolition began in Attack of the Clones with the introduction of Boba's father, Jango Fett; a character who shared more with his son than just a family name. In a failure of imagination not seen since the second Death Star, Boba and Jango wear the same armour, fly the same ship, work the same trade, and even share the same reputation. I know Boba's supposed to be a clone of his father, but isn't that taking things a little too far?

Not far enough for Lucas, apparently, who, after taking away most of what made Boba unique, took away the one thing he had left: his voice. Gravelly and menacing, Boba's voice suited the character perfectly. But with the revelation that Boba was a clone of his father, Lucas decided to re-record Boba's handful of lines from The Empire Strikes Back using the voice of Temuera Morrison, the actor who plays Jango. Once a mysterious figure of power and menace, Boba Fett is now little more than a photocopy of his father. I'm sure Lucas intended it to be some sort of tribute to a fan favourite, but in making Boba the template for the entire clone army he's completely missed the point of what made the character great.

Even if you accept the whole clone thing, this change makes no sense to me. If anything, the different voices just add to the mystery of the character. Yeah, why doesn't he have the same voice as the other clones? Maybe it's as simple as his helmet having a voice-modulator to conceal his true voice? Like Darth Vader. Sebastian Shaw's unmasked Darth Vader sounded nothing like James Earl Jones. Or maybe it's a long and complicated story that Kevin J Anderson will eventually ruin by writing a book about it.

Anyway.

Then, after most people had gone out and bought the only DVD option it looked like we'd be getting, it was announced in 2006 that the Classic Trilogy would be released again, this time in a six-disc collection containing the three SEs and their original cinematic versions as well! Hurrah!

But there was a catch.

Hurooh. The cinematic versions were a straight rip from the laserdiscs which had never been remastered. Finally the best of both worlds – original and remastered – existed in high-definition, but on different discs. That those discs came bundled in the same box only heightened the frustration. So close, yet so far, far away. Sigh.

I still cling to my old hope that Lucas will eventually get bored or whatever, and remaster the original versions just for the hell of it, but I'm not holding my breath. Lucky no one's pumping dioxis into the room. Dioxis. Sigh. "Hey idiots. Have you ever heard of carbon monoxide?"

UPDATE
Well, as was prophesied long ago, the Blu-ray version of the Star Wars saga has just been announced. To, by now, no one's surprise, the Special Editions are the only versions to make the cut. The surprise came from Lucas' explanation for not restoring the original versions, which was that it would "cost too much"! Seriously, George? Bit skint just now, are you? Has the merchandising machine broken down and you've had to stop printing money for five minutes? And remind me how much it was you spent making the Prequels? Actually, don't. Forget it.

Anyway, I don't mean to sound bitter. Really I'm not too disappointed because I'd already decided to skip Blu-ray as a format, anyway. Physical media is soooo last century. Thanks to services such as the iTunes Media Store, I expect Blu-ray will become obsolete faster than DVD did. Why spend all that money on an expensive Blu-ray player and overpriced discs when there's an option like the latest Apple TV? No need to trek down to your local retailer/renter for movies or TV shows; you can get what you want without getting off the couch. Just a few clicks of the remote, and you're away. And as my friend Glamma said in response to the news: "Nope, I genuinely don't care. It's hard to get too excited over seeing movies made in the early 80s transferred to Blu-ray." Quite so. As a Collector of Things, I don't find a digital collection as satisfying as a physical one, but the sheer convenience is undeniable. Blu-ray schmu-ray.

No, you can't always get what you want, but that's ok. There's something right about watching Star Wars on crappy old lo-fi VHS. Seems appropriate. Do you think Luke's got a Blu-ray holo-player there in his little man-shed? I don't think so; he'd have a VCR for sure. One that needed a new power converter. And its heads cleaned.

UPDATE 2
This post is already too long, but no whining about the SEs would be complete without mentioning Jabba the Hutt. That scene blows.

UPDATE 3
I know I said this post is already too long, but the hits they keep on comin'. Hot on the heels of Lucasfilm's Blu-ray announcement comes the news that the Star Wars saga is to be rereleased in 3D. In 3D. Sigh. So, remastering the originals is "too expensive", but converting them into freakin' 3D – a process that can take up to a year – isn't? You know, George, you're really not doing much to counter the widely-held belief that you're cynically exploiting the devotion of your fans for commercial gain. 

What a waste of time. I'm not a fan of 3D films at all. It's the Emperor's New Film Studio. 3D is a gimmick that adds nothing to a film, but $10 to the price of admission. I don't mind films that've been conceived as and shot in 3D, like Avatar, but two-dimensional films converted to 3D in post-production are a con; no more than a marketing ploy to generate hype and drive ticket sales. 3D is just one more thing to distract filmmakers from the most important part of a film: the story! Forget 3D. A 2D film with a three-dimensional story will beat the reverse every time.

UPDATE 4
Simon Pegg on Twitter: "Watching TPM [The Phantom Menace] in 3D would be like the car actually crashing into your face as opposed to just unfolding before your eyes." 

Gold.

UPDATE 5
One more. Just read this interview with Jeremy Bulloch by Vanity Fair. I like Bulloch. Not just because he was the original and best Boba Fett, but because he seems genuinely enthused about his role in Star Wars. He's not too cool for it, or resentful of the attention it's brought him; he seems to have greatly enjoyed his time working on the films and is grateful for the experience.

Of particular note, I was pleased to see him say he didn't think they should have changed Boba's original and "far more menacing" voice. And that's not him being precious or protective, as Boba's voice wasn't his anyway; his on-set dialogue was overdubbed by American actor, Jason Wingreen. And the bit here where Bulloch does his impression of Wingreen's voice reminded me of when I met him at a signing years ago. As I handed him my Boba headshot I asked if he could write "Survive" on it as well as his name, and he laughed as he intoned, "What if he doesn't survive…" in his best gravelly Boba impression.

Hearing Bulloch favours Boba's original voice also reminds me of when I met Timothy Zahn, the author who coined the name Coruscant for the Imperial capital. When reading the books I'd always pronounced the name as corus•cant, with a hard c. But in the films the actors all pronounced it corus•sant, with a soft c. So, as the creator, I asked Zahn how he pronounced it. "With the soft c," he told me, but he wasn't too upset as he was grateful Lucas had decided to use his name at all and not come up with one of his own. That's fair enough, but I felt validated none the less. :)

UPDATE 6
Another interesting Boba Fact: the Star Wars Holiday Special, broadcast in November 1978, has long been considered the first appearance of Boba Fett. But thanks to the Lucasfilm archives, it's been revealed his first appearance was actually two months earlier at a public parade in San Anselmo, California. Let the record show! Phew. The less we need to mention that Holiday Special, the better.

Batman for Batman.

Given how important Batman is to the people of Melbourne, I'm surprised it's taken the politicians so long to come out in his support. The Dark Knight is the hero and defender of the common man, and the politicians, well, they might not like how he gets things done, but they know how to sniff a breeze.

This is no time to be cynical, though. No, this is the time to support those who are prepared to support Batman. People like Federal Member of Parliament, Martin Ferguson AM, who is leading the charge by making Batman the focus of his election campaign.


Batman has lived in the shadows for so long, rejected and often persecuted by those he seeks to serve. A better future for Batman? Martin Ferguson, you've got my vote.

UPDATE
Hang on a second! This is a turn up. Seems Martin Ferguson isn't just supporting Batman; he's out and out working for Batman!


Forget Batman and Robin. It's Batman and Martin! I've got to say, it's great to see a politician stick their neck out like this; a politician prepared to speak with actions, not just words. Keep watching the skies, Mr Ferguson, and when the people of Melbourne need you, they will call.

Joy story.

Took Winter to see Toy Story 3 today; her first ever trip to the cinema. I'm not sure who was more excited. I just love Pixar and everything they make, and Winter couldn't believe she was going to see "a TV bigger than our TV bigger than our house even!"

When I first asked her if she'd like to see Toy Story 3, I was surprised she already knew it was out. "How have you heard about Toy Story 3?" "It's on vanilla, Dad." "What?" "Toy Story 3. It's on vanilla yoghurt." A victory for the marketers there, I think.

I was also surprised when she told me we should get popcorn at the movie! She's never been to a movie and she knows you're supposed to get popcorn? As we stood munching away while waiting in the queue to get in, she surprised me yet again when she said, "I think that's enough popcorn for now, Dad." "Oh! You think we should save some for later?" "No, I think you've had enough." Next time she can buy her own.


Going in I was quite nervous. I was very much looking forward to this film, and really didn't want to be fielding "Who's that? What's that person doing?" questions all the way through. Or worse, "Dad, I'm bored. Can we go home?" Anyway, I needn't have worried. Winter was perfect, and so was the film. As Jim Gaffigan said, "Brilliant. Is there anyway Pixar can be in charge of all entertainment?"

Yep, once again Pixar have exceeded my expectations. Predicting the usual disappointing follow-up, I groaned when Toy Story 2 was announced, but it was great! So great in fact that I couldn't decide which of the two I liked more. And it's the same with 3. While building on what's gone before, Pixar have once again crafted something entirely new. All three stories are filled with adventure, humour and genuine emotion, but they each have something unique that gives them a character of their own. Unlike a certain other trilogy, Pixar haven't remade the same film or just doubled the size of the villain. They've made the effort to craft new characters and develop a story that, while working with familiar themes, places our heroes in a whole new world. And each time they pull it off. Magnificently.

I can't think of another trilogy/series in which I'm unable to pick a favourite, or rank the films based on order of preference. Star Wars? Empire, New Hope, Jedi. Indy? Raiders, Crusade, Temple, and the other one. Toy Story? Um, well… it's a three-way tie! Lord of the Rings is about as close as I can get, but even those I could rank if you pushed me.

The three Toy Story movies sit together so well it's like they were always intended to do so. They're three acts that blend seamlessly into one. And Pixar make it seem so easy. When you're watching 3 you wonder how else it could have been done, how could the story be anything but what it is here? But reading about an alternate plot that was developed when Pixar lost the sequel rights, I realised how easily it could have been so different and, imho, worse. The "recall" plot doesn't sound convincing to me, and thankfully it was recalled itself, and Pixar were put back in charge.

For them, making movies really doesn't seem to be about the money, it's about the story, and so I can't imagine we'll ever see Toy Story 4. The story's been told, told well, and now we're done. And that's not a bad thing. I could happily watch these three for the rest of my days. They're just so good. Thanks Pixar for all the joy.

Star and the Wars.

Just read one of the best reviews of Star Wars I've ever read, and it's not even about Star Wars. It's about Sex and the City 2. And the guy hasn't even seen it. Gold.

UPDATE
And the Star Wars good stuff just keeps coming today. Got a few good giggles out of this one: General Dodonna launches the iPad.

UPDATE 2
Michael J Nelson tweets: "Had to review Sex and the City 2. As a result I now hate sex, cities, conjunctions, articles and numerals."

Happy Star Wars (tm) Day 2010.

Happy Star Wars (tm) Day everyone. May the Fourth be with you.

How was your Star Wars year? Much been happening? Personal Star Wars highlight of the year for me came from 30 Rock, to which I was recently introduced. The main character, Liz Lemon, is, among other things, a Star Wars dork, but to my surprise her love is portrayed sympathetically. We laugh with the character, rather than at her. Instead of the usual jokes about sociopathic man-child Star Wars fans with poor personal hygiene living in their parents’ basement, we get something fresh and inventive. The “Uncanny valley” exchange between Tracy and Frank from the season 2 episode, ’Succession’, was a particular standout.

Personal lowlight of the year was watching a 70-minute video review of The Phantom Menace by one Mr. Harry Plinkett from RedLetterMedia. Lowlight not because it was bad – it was brilliant – but because it drove home with the force of a pick-axe how truly terrible The Phantom Menace is and how different things could have been if someone other than George had been in charge. To compound the misery, Plinkett has just released a follow-up review of Attack of the Clones. Sigh.

But let’s not finish on a low. Let’s peek ahead to a possible highlight of the upcoming year: Star Wars Uncut. Someone has chopped A New Hope into 15-second clips, bunged it on the web and enabled anyone – anyone – to upload their own 15-second remakes! Brilliant. Video, illustration, stop-motion, whatever… it’s a tapestry of almost unlimited variety and colour. I've already lost a day browsing through the many clips. It is a mixed bag, but there's plenty of goodness there. Once complete, the best clips will be spliced together to create the ultimate fan homage to the film we know and love.

Hopefully Han will shoot first.

UPDATE
And in honour of The Empire Strikes Back's 30th anniversary, do please enjoy this review by Dan Moren of the best Star Wars film of all. :) Perfect.

Savour.

I've just discovered a rival service to Twitter. It's called Savour.


It's a service that lets you make the most of all the great things that happen to you throughout the day.

It's free, and you don't need to sign up or anything, but the best thing about it is you can access the service from anywhere. Don't have 3G reception? Don't need it. Don't have an iPhone? Don't need one. It's that simple.

So if you're out having a great time with friends, or you're at the park playing with your kids, or you're sitting somewhere just watching the world go by… don't tweet it, savour it.

I'm hoping to use it a lot.

Highly Recommended.

Given the obvious retort, the longevity of this image in bus shelters across Melbourne continues to surprise me.


Well, if it was that uncrowded, I'd prefer public transport, too.

You'd think in the current climate of seething commuter frustration over chronic overcrowding, Metlink would take an ad like this down out of embarrassment. But no, they leave it up and, like an armpit in peak hour, they rub our faces in it. They even put up a billboard to make sure we got the message.


I mean, how can anyone take this ad seriously? How could those who approved the image have seen it and not thought, "Wow, we're kind of leaving ourselves wide open with this one, hey? Um, what else have you got?"

Something a little more reflective of reality may not excite the Metlink marketing department, but at least it gives potential commuters a better idea of what to expect, wouldn't you say?


And their next attempt on the theme wasn't much better. "How can we make public transport more appealing?"


"Well, we could tell people it's like travelling beneath a giant shark!" What?

And then along came a whimsical little campaign where some folksy fellow (who bore a striking resemblance to the delightful Frank Woodley), highly recommends I get on the bus.


Just weird.

First of all, who is this man and why should I listen to his opinion on buses? What does he know about them that I don't? More importantly, what does he know about me and my particular transport needs? Nothing! The arrogance of him to suggest I need to do anything.

Secondly, why is he highly recommending the bus but not other forms of public transport? Are buses now fully fitted out with Human Touch massage chairs perhaps? Because I'd go out of my way to catch a bus with Human Touch massage chairs on board. Is that what he means? Who knows. He doesn't expand. He just waves and tells me again to get on the bus.

But most importantly, what's with the wording? I highly recommend you get on the bus? Is it just me, or does that sound like a threat? Thinly veiled and menacing, delivered through gritted teeth, like you wouldn't want to find out what'll happen if you don't get on the bus. Don't make the man with the acoustic guitar mad. You wouldn't like him if he was mad. "Nice little car you've got here. Be a shame if something… happened to it, you know? If it had a little… accident, you know? I highly recommend you get on the bus." Shudder.

And would it be unkind of me to ask if you're highly recommending the bus to people with myki cards? Yes, it would be unkind. I know your campaign pre-dates the "launch" of myki. That was a cheap shot. I apologise.

Then a few months later it was revealed the man didn't just look like Frank Woodley, it was Frank Woodley!


Well, ok; now I know who you are, but I'm still not sure why you're qualified to offer an opinion on the merits of travelling by bus. In fact, if your regular job is telling jokes, how do I know I'm now supposed to be taking you seriously and not waiting for a punchline? How do I know you've even ever travelled on a bus and aren't just being paid to smile and play a quaint little jingle for us?

Because I'll tell you what I do know: when I used to catch the bus, I found them to be highly unreliable. I spent more time than you'd believe standing at a stop, staring off to the horizon, waiting for a bus that never turned up. It happened so often that eventually a friend highly recommended I get a bike. Which I did, and my journey to and from work has been the better for it ever since.

I don't know. Public transport just doesn't seem like it should be so hard to advertise. We lurch from one lame campaign to another, and even when they get it right, they still manage to get it wrong. Not even bringing Harry Connick, Jr. on board worked. In fact that campaign was arguably the greatest train wreck of the lot. Shudder.

Here, I've got a recommendation of my own. You know what I love about public transport? I love getting to read my book. Or watch TV on my iPhone. I love getting to stare out the window and daydream – or close my eyes and doze – without the fear of crashing into anything. I love not having to buy petrol or pay for parking. I love not having to worry about what speed I'm doing or whether I can make that orange light before it turns red. I mean, there's your campaign right there, Metlink. Focussing on the benefits rather than trying to be too clever is highly recommend, and I think you'll find your customers will prefer it.

UPDATE
I've since learned that the shark pictured above is a whale shark; a breed often used by shark aficionados to counter the popular misconception that all sharks are ferocious man-eaters. Don't think you're safe in you're plankton though, because the whale shark murders them by the boatload. So, it's not the deadly killing-machine I'd been counting on to support my argument, but I still say using any shark to sell PT is an odd choice. In advertising instinctive responses are important, and my first response was SHAAAAAARK! I only learned it was a loveable whale shark by asking friends, and then of its preference for plankton over warm human flesh only by extended reading on the Internet. By contrast, 0.125 seconds after seeing the poster I'd decided that if that's what public transport is like, I'll see you tomorrow from behind the wheel of my car. Shark.

UPDATE 2
Incidentally, did you note the freelance editorial update to the Metlink billboard above? Some activist has clambered up there with a spray can and crossed out 'public transport' so the message reads, 'Nature prefers a nuclear free future. Habitit.' How odd. I mean, if you're going to vandalise a billboard advertising public transport, shouldn't it be to make some kind of comment on public transport? Has Metlink started using nuclear powered trains? No? Well why are you attacking their environmental message to promote your own? A little selfish, isn't it? It's great that you care about the environment, but so does Metlink. They're on your side, friend. Or were, until you climbed up and ruined their ad.

UPDATE 3
Got off at Flinders St Station today noticed this little poster.


Good point, Metro! You've convinced me. That wasn't so hard now, was it? Not sure why you're putting it up at a train station though? Preaching to the converted, aren't you? I mean, everyone reading your good sense is already going on, taking the train, right? Surely you'd be better off getting your message out somewhere like, oh, I don't know, somewhere there are people in cars reading road maps? Just a thought.

Batmania.

There are many things I love about my hometown, Melbourne; not least of which is the number of statues, plaques and monuments dotted around the area dedicated to Batman. (Something I'm not sure even Gotham itself can claim.) Sure, sure, they may not be in honour of the Dark Knight, but rather the farmer, businessman and early settler in the region, John Batman, but knowing that doesn't lessen the pleasure in seeing a plaque marking Batman's Hill.


Cool! Whoever may have been the inspiration, the first time I saw the above plaque I read the name as bat•man, not bat•mun. But then, I have tendency to refer to the historical figure as bat•man as well; if only to even out the effect of my Dad, who persists in pronouncing the superhero as bat•mun, though I've corrected him many times.

And imagine getting to start your commute each morning from Batman Station! For a lucky group of commuters in North Coburg, that's exactly what they do.


Cool! Sure, the station itself is no Grand Central Station, but as long as a train can roll through it it doesn't need to be. And the gangs of suspicious youths loitering around only add to the mystique. You actually half expect Batman to swoop down at any moment to sort them all out and demand to know where the Joker's lair is located. I'll tell you where it definitely won't be: Batman Park, Northcote, that's where.


Cool! Although maybe the Joker should set himself up there. It's the one place the cops would never think to look!

And just imagine one of the proposed names for Melbourne, Batmania, (à la Tasmania), had actually made the final cut! Should have. I mean, what's Lord Melbourne really done for the world? Batman on the other hand, well, how many times does a man need to save the world to get a city named after him? Keep up the good fight, Bats. If there's any justice in the world, you'll get the recognition you deserve one day. Until then, hopefully having an avenue named in your honour will do. :)