When Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd visited China in March 2008, he took the opportunity to converse openly with Chinese President Hu Jintao on a range of topics, none more important than the inclusion of FNOccer in the upcoming Beijing Olympic Games. Mr Rudd, a longtime fan of competitive bottle kicking, put his case forward with passion, and in fluent Mandarian, no less. "Surely FNOccer deserved full event status," he argued, "after receiving widespread acclaim at Athens 2004 in a stunningly successful demonstration." President Hu reacted sharply at Mr Rudd's use of the word 'demonstration' (he mistakenly used yóu xíng 游行 meaning 'protest' instead of the correct cāo yǎn 操演 meaning 'a practical exhibition'), but a quick whisper to an interpreter cleared up the confusion at once. "And if the equine events are to be held off-shore in Hong Kong," continued Mr Rudd, "why not other events as well?"
President Hu, though clearly convinced, responded with regret, explaining that with the People's United Workforce already struggling to meet their construction deadlines, it would not be possible to construct another Glorious People's Venue in which the athletes could compete. Smiling, Mr Rudd turned to the assembled media and said (this time in English), "President Hu, on behalf of the Australian government and the Australian people, I make available to you and the citizens of the world, Australia's oldest, most hallowed brick surface and the home itself of the nation's second-favourite homegrown game, the Birdbath!! President Hu again turned to his interpreter, and Mr Rudd, sensing the confusion, rushed to clarify. "Or rather, I should say, the Templestowe FNOccer Ground, which is known affectionately to us Australians as the Birdbath! There was once a birdbath there, you see? But it was vandalised. By vandals. It's not there anymore. Let me show you a picture..."
Anyway, Mr Wu, eventually overcome by this genuine expression of the Olympic spirit, enthusiastically shook Mr Rudd's hand in acceptance, and an accord was reached. Back in Australia the news was received by the FNOccer community with great joy, but little surprise. After all, if freakin' beach volley ball can get in, there's no reason kickin' around a plastic bottle can't as well.
Roll on a few months to like the luckiest date in the history of forever, 08.08.08, and the big day finally arrived. Templestowe stood ready for the arrival of an army of athletes — drawn from a thousand countries, cultures, colours and creeds, united by nothing but the Olympic spirit and a pure love for FNOccer — but, mysteriously, the army somehow failed to arrive! Where could they be? What could have happened? Had they all somehow got the date wrong? Forgotten to set the alarm on their clock/radios? Travelled by mistake to Austria? Chosen to fly Qantas and were currently stranded in a transit lounge in Malaysia? No one could say for sure, and as FNOccer waits for no man, the officials eventually decided, international field or not, the bottle had to drop.
In the interests of keeping the global focus so essential for an Olympic event, the now all-Australian competitors pledged to each select a different nation to represent out on the bricks. (Any medals won would still be awarded to Australia, though. Of course. Don't get carried away.) As reigning World Champion and Keeper of the FNOath, Steve was offered first dibs on representing Australia, but with a pathological aversion to green and gold (especially in combination) he passed, and chose a country with a proper set of national colours, New Zealand. Seeing in Usain Bolt a hubris matched only by his own, CK elected to represent Jamaica. Enamoured of all things Scandinavian since his days at Ericsson many winters ago, Davet chose Sweden. Large, arrogant and with a fondness for invading impoverished nations and stealing their oil, JJ chose the USA. (Cheap shot, I know, but with a price that low I'd be mad going anywhere else!) Inspired by famous Olympic boxer, Naseem Hamed, who, despite boxing for Great Britain, insisted on being announced as "representing his heritage land of Yemen," Bart also chose Yemen.
Once allegiances were declared, the athletes gathered to enjoy the deep-fried Opening Ceremony, brought to you by Olympic Partner, the Templestowe Fish Balloon. Jaws dropped at a stunning display of synchronised burger-eating, and hearts were won as a troupe of performers imagined a world (using nothing but half-full bottles of Pepsi Max), where children were free to kick around a plastic bottle without fear of global warming swelling the oceans and flooding their low-lying, coastal bricked surfaces. It was amazing. When the Opening Ceremony concluded, the athletes made their way to the Templestowe FNOccer Ground, to await Bart (the bad boy of the FNOccer circuit), who was en route after sitting a motorcycle test that morning.
While they waited, the draw was done. Round 1 pit CK against JJ Glamma in a Qualification match, while Bart and Davet clashed in a Semi-final, the winner of which would travel directly to the Grand Final. Round 2 was the Second Semi-final, which would see the winner of the Qualifier come up against the Defending Champion, Steve, whose reigning status earned him a first round rest. Round 3 would be the Gold Medal match between the two Semi-final winners. As a concession to CK, who'd somehow made it to the Olympics without ever actually playing FNOccer, it was agreed that in Round 1 the Semi-final would be played before the Qualifier, so he'd at least get to watch a game being played before being called upon to play one himself.
Once the draw was done, (and Bart had finally arrived), the bottle was dropped and the Game was on!
ROUND 1
Semi-final: Davet (Sweden) v Bart (Yemen)A stiff draw for Davet saw him run into heavyweight Bart in his first game, but if he could knock the prancing Yemeni down, he'd earn himself a trip direct to the golden Grand Final. Refusing to be intimidated by Bart's physicality out on the bricks, Davet managed to hold his own. And citing lessons learned last year from JJ the Great One-Pointer, he capitalised on a number of penalty shots by playing safe from the 1-point line, building his score slowly but surely.
But then, with the scores locked at four all, the two competitors clashed at the centre line. In a tangle of feet, Davet managed to kick free, but Bart, somehow, volleyed with his primary kick and sent the bottle scuttling under the bench for two, perching himself on the very lips of victory. Could Davet score the next four straight points to claim the game? Well, as the Swede stepped to the serving line to find out, Bart – seemingly stung by a sudden attack of conscience – threw up a red flag, saying that he might possibly have stepped over the line when kicking his last goal...
The match officials went straight to the tapes, and confirmed that, yes, he had indeed faulted, and the scores were levelled again at 4 apiece. The crowd, inspired by this display of sportsmanship, applauded Bart loudly. Good lesson there for the kids coming up through the junior leagues: it's not about winning; it's about winning right. However noble the act may have been, though, it seemed to rob Bart of his fire, and Davet, with three thumping goals in quick succession, knocked the scores to 7-4 and Bart back onto the steps.
In the post-match interview, a deflated Bart expressed regret for once again failing to achieve his personal goals for the Cup, and depriving his fans of the razzle dazzle they so love to see when he's out on the bricks. Davet, by contrast, was pleased with his performance, though unsurprised at the result, suggesting that a victory over Bart no longer meant what it once did! A slapdown we can only hope reignites Bart's fireworks next year.
Qualification: JJ Glamma (USA) v CK (Jamaica) In the lead-up to the Cup, first time competitor CK was all over the Anderson St Press talking up his prospects, declaring that once he was out on the bricks, the Birdbath would become the bloodbath. Come game-day however, the only blood being shed was CK's as JJ Glamma came out like a Superpower, slamming home five rapid goals and leaving the rookie struggling for answers.
Realising that his dreams of gold were about to be washed in white, the Jamaican dug deep, and with legs pumping like pistons he blasted home a pair of goals, including a 2-pointer from off the bricks. But JJ, keen to recapture the glory of his dream run last year, refused to be rattled, and slotted home another two goals to finish CK off, 7 to 3.
ROUND 2
Semi-final: JJ Glamma (USA) v Steve (New Zealand) (Bronze Medal match)Glamma's win over CK came with a cost though, as the Round 1 reshuffle meant he advanced straight into a Semi-final against the well-rested Keeper of the FNOath, Steve. And the cost was clear as Steve blitzed the heavy-footed JJ, dragging the scoreline out to 6-1 whether it wanted to go there or not. And when Glamma faulted in the following rally and sent Steve to the penalty line, the Golden Ticket looked to have the Champ's name all over it.
But a shocked gasp erupted from the steps as Steve strode past the 1-point penalty line, and headed for the 2. "What are you doing?" Davet exclaimed. "You only need one point to win!" "Nope," the Champ replied, "You can't win with a 1-point penalty." As Davet started to respond the Champ cut him short with an emphatic clarification, "
I can't win with a 1-point penalty!" There it was again. The need to win right: some call it cocky; others the mark of a true champion. Steve's shot went wide, however, and the game was back on.
Glamma staged an impressive fightback, scoring the next three goals to take his tally to four, but his dreams of gold disappeared under a bench as the Keeper finally slid another goal through, finishing his opponent off, 7 to 4.
ROUND 3
Grand Final: Steve (New Zealand) v Davet (Sweden) (Gold Medal match)No rest for the magnificent as now it was Steve's turn for back-to-back clashes, heading straight into the Grand Final against the Norsca-fresh Davet. "It's only fair," Steve was overheard saying as he adjusted his shoelaces before stepping onto the bricks. "I wouldn't ask anything of my fellow competitors that I wasn't prepared to do myself." Anything except lose, of course. The champ seems quite prepared to leave that one to just his opponents.
And, indeed, now it was Davet's turn as Steve smashed the Swede into the ground, 7 to 1, in a demolition that recalled his equally impressive takedown of Bart at the 2007 Birdbath World Cup. But the one-sided scoreline doesn't tell quite the whole story as, despite Davet's only score coming from one of his now habitual 1-point penalties, he nevertheless fought a tough defensive game that pushed the champ to his limits.
In the end though, with a seismic 3-point primary kick from deep off the bricks, and a salvo of singles sent scorching under the bench with devastating precision, the man they call The Postman got his message through.
Below: Gold Medallist and Two-time Keeper of the FNOath, Steve
Below: The Medal Ceremony. Gold: Steve (New Zealand), Silver: Davet (Sweden), Bronze: JJ Glamma (USA).
FURTHER READING: The 2007 Birdbath World CupA Concise History of All Things FNO
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