The Lion, etc.

Did you hear me being interviewed on the radio the other week about my thoughts on The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe? Ok sure, I was actually just one of a number of callers to ABC talkback, and yes, it was a discussion with Tracy Bartram, but my voice still travelled out across the length and breadth of this wide, brown land we call home... well, across Victoria anyway.

Tracy didn’t like the film, but that’s ok because I don’t like Tracy. I find her irritating, like lemon juice flicked into your eyes.

Tracy was hosting the 774 Breakfast Program while Red Symons was on holiday, and I’ll tell you, there are few things that can snap you into consciousness faster than the coarse sound of Tracy’s voice in the morning. Like a sharp jab to the larynx, it slices through the fog of slumber and wrenches you awake, triggering an apoplectic fit as you flounder frantically for the Snooze button.

Anyway, just as I was about to hurl the alarm clock at the wall, Tracy asked for listeners to phone in with their opinions of the Narnia movie, and started to give her own. My curiosity was captured, and my hand was stayed. For the moment at least. As I said before, she didn’t like it, which put her at odd with her callers, who all did. I wasn’t going to call in, but then I heard her say that one thing that irritated her was that you’ve got these English children in a very English movie and then they go through the wardrobe and the first creature they meet is an American beaver! To me, the beavers’ British accents placed their origin elsewhere, so I thought I’d call to set her straight.

The show’s producer answered the phone and asked for my name and suburb, which I gave her. “Did you like the film,” she asked? “Yes, I did,” I replied. “Ah, good. So did I. She’s on her own here.” He, he.

When I got through to Tracy I told her I liked the film but that I was calling because she’d said that the beavers were American when they were clearly English. The only American accent came from Morgrim the wolf. “Oh no,” she clarified, “I meant the beaver is an American animal.” One wonders why Tracy was troubled at seeing an American beaver in an English setting, but not an African lion, and a… well, you know, a faun, a unicorn, a centaur, and a minotaur? She asked me what I thought of the evil wolf being given an American accent, and I said I found it quite refreshing. Villains, more often than not, have British accents, while the heroes have American ones, as in Star Wars, for example, so I thought it was nice to see it the other way around. She said she guessed that was what was good about the ABC, that everyone was entitled to express their own opinion. I asked if she was going to read the book, and she said she had no intention of doing so. Which is a shame.

So yes, I was very happy with The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. Not a perfect film, but a very satisfying adaptation of the book. I thought Lucy and Edmund were brilliant. Great casting. Peter and Susan were mostly irritating, though fortunately not to the extent of Lucy from the 80’s TV series, who made me want to bash her head in with a paving stone. I also liked how the animals were just animals, and didn’t wear clothes like they did in the TV series. Strangely enough, they looked more dignified without pants on!

I thought the character development in the film was a little heavy-handed and awkward at times, particularly when it came to showing how selfish and irresponsible Edmund was. Yes, I get it! Move on! I don’t know if I would have had Liam Neeson’s voice for Aslan. His voice had the warmth and strength I was expecting, but not the majesty. Maybe James Earl Jones would’ve made the whole thing seem like The Lion King 2, but that’s who I’ve long heard as Aslan. He’s just incredible. (Except when he’s Darth Vader screaming “Noooooooo!” like some overacting, B-grade hack. Then he’s just awful; but, to be fair, I don’t think anyone could have made that line work.)

Contrary to some early reports, the film wasn’t cunning Christian proselytising designed to poison children’s minds with Christian values and soften them up like some sort of pre-evangelism. The underlying allegory was there if you wanted to see it, and easy to miss if you didn’t. In fact, if you didn’t know anything about Christianity, the Christian references would go right over your head. I think a lot of people have been getting too worked up over the issue. The story may be influenced by that of Christianity, but, as Age writer Philippa Hawker recently pointed out, it’s also influenced by “E. Nesbit, Enid Blyton, The Wind in the Willows, Greek mythology, Norse tales, Hans Christian Andersen and schoolboy chivalric fantasies”. Whatever its influences are, I think it’s a wonderful story with a positive message that anyone can enjoy and benefit from hearing.

So one down, somewhere between four and six more to go, depending on who you talk to (apparently not all the books would do well as films). I just hope they make The Last Battle (and make it well), which is my favourite of the Narnia books. Actually, I wonder if people will still call this one ‘Narnia’ when the other films are out? I know ‘The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe’ is a bit of a mouthful, but that, not ‘Narnia’, is the film’s title. Yes, yes, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe is the actual title, but if you have to shorten anything it should be the book title, not the series title. What’s wrong with “The Lion, etc.” for example? I think that’s what I’ll use. Maybe people will call them Narnia 1, Narnia 2, and so on? I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

A Concise History of the Annual Christmas Slurpee Toss.

Slurpee Tossing was a well-established pastime well before it became an integral part of the Annual Christmas Stolp. Its origins can reliably be traced back to Templestowe, Australia in the early Nineties, where a teenage boy named Bart was rapidly developing an interest in tossing. He’d toss whatever he could get his hands on, and, growing up in Templestowe with its abundance of trees, it wasn’t long before he discovered sticks. His love for tossing sticks was so great that he even acquired the (somewhat uninspired) nickname, Stickboy.

We couldn’t go for a stolp without Stickboy eventually spying a stick somewhere and running off to hurl it as far as he could. Templestowe Primary School, No. 1395 (RIP), with its outdoor basketball courts and high brick walls, provided many markers to measure height and distance, and was a natural throwing ground. Playing basketball there would only amuse Bart for so long before he’d suggest a competition to see who could toss the ball the furthest. We’d usually all agree. I’m not sure what it is, but there’s certainly something primeval about tossing. Maybe it taps into a Scotch ancestry and their love of tossing the caber? Who can say?


Anyway, Bart, as stated before, would toss whatever was at hand, and amongst our little group, Slurpees were often at hand. What would have started as a bit of fun, quickly became a competition with rules, boundaries and champions. A favourite area for tossing was the Parker Street basketball court at the Primary (above), with the canteen roof being the benchmark for success. Hitting the roof was good, but hitting the roof and sliding your cup over the far side onto the oval was best.

Eventually, one year, ‘Christmas’ and ‘Toss’ were put together, and the Annual Christmas Slurpee Toss was born. In 1994 our beloved Primary was bulldozed and replaced with netball courts. The landscape had changed, but our connection to the location had not. If we couldn't aim for the canteen roof or the downball wall, we'd just have to find something new. Fortunately, the new netball courts were well-suited to hosting the fierce competition of the Slurpee Toss, and the tradition lived on. The pictures below are from the first Slurpee Toss to be photographed in 2003.

Here we see the efforts of Steve and Kate, with the former caught sliding into disqualification.


Next came Cobbies. Check out his flying cup and straw with its spangled trail of ice.


And finally a barefoot Bart, who set the current Toss Record with a massive effort over the shelter and onto the lower netball court.


See here for the Slurpee Toss 2004 and here for the Slurpee Toss 2005.

See here for 'A Concise History of the Annual Christmas Stolp'.

The world isn’t worse, Part 2.

The tram driver leaped from his stationary tram and bolted across the road towards me, narrowly being missed by a car as it sped through the intersection. He flew down the footpath, jagged to his right, and skidded into one of those old-style, phone box-sized urinals dotted throughout the city. Sometimes when you gotta go, you really gotta go.

Now, I catch trams up Swanston Street all the time, so I’m used to seeing tram drivers making for the facilities. Many’s the time I’ve been late for work and I’ve had to sit watching as the driver wanders off to the little building at the intersection of Swanston and Victoria, only to return once we’ve missed at least one cycle of lights.

But here’s the issue. This tram wasn’t at the intersection of Swanston and Victoria. It was the next stop along. Not the usual spot for a pitstop. There is a toilet there, but it’s hidden around the corner, and certainly not in sight of those on the tram.

I think there’s a finite number of likely reasons for your driver to suddenly flee his or her tram, with the most likely made less likely as you’ve just passed the normal spot. Given my own near-brush with tram-bound terrorism, I could easily imagine myself leaping to conclusions before frantically leaping from the vehicle.

There was no panic on the tram, however, no-one screaming, no-one hurling women and children behind them as they lunged for the doors. No-one looked alarmed, or even particularly alert actually. Maybe he’d made an announcement beforehand, “Sorry folks, I thought I was right back there, but wouldn’t you know it? So if you can just bear with me…”

I guess I’ll never know. And life in Melbourne went back to normal.

A Concise History of The Annual Christmas Stolp.

As I've just posted the first couple of Annual Christmas Stolp posts, perhaps some 'stolping' history is in order.

stolp /'stolp/ vb. colloq. to travel by foot amongst company from home to a 7-Eleven to purchase a Slurpee.

As a teenager there was always plenty to do in Templestowe, as long as you liked walking to the local 7-Eleven to get a Slurpee, which, fortunately, we did. The word 'stolp' was first used by Cobbies in 1990 to describe people walking around his school who looked funny. We all liked the word and began to use it ourselves. Gradually it came to mean walking in general, and seeing as most times when we walked, we walked to 7-Eleven, the specific destination was soon added to the definition.

Them ol' days were simple days. When someone called up and said, "Stolp?", you knew what they were asking. It was handy to have "Do you want to go up the street and get a Slurpee and possibly a donut if they're fresh today and then maybe play some basketball at Templestowe Primary School and if you say yes, I'll call the others and then meet you at the bottom of my hill in, say, ten minutes?" compressed into one word. A phone call could be that simple: Hello? Stolp? Yep. Click.

The photo below is from an early stolp in 1993. The earnest expressions do seem somewhat ridiculous, especially as we're posing in front of a hopscotch, but there you go.


The date of the first Christmas Stolp has been lost in the mists of time, but one year 'stolp' and 'Christmas' were put together, and the Annual Christmas Stolp was born. The idea was that before the madness of Christmas Day really set in, we'd all take the time to get together, wish each other a Merry Christmas, and go up the street for a Slurpee. The first Annual Christmas Stolp we photographed was in the year of our Lord 1996 (below).


The Annual Christmas Stolp 1997.


The Annual Christmas Stolp (featuring Bart’s biceps) 1998.


1999 brought an obstacle that threatened to tear the still young tradition apart. JJ went to live in America, so, for the first time, one of the five was going to be missing. A plan was formed, however, whereby he would stolp to the 7-Eleven in Sparks, Nevada (where he was going to be) at the same time that we'd be going to ours in Templestowe. We'd take a photo of him up with us, and he'd call one of us on a mobile, so he'd be there in image and voice, not just in spirit. The timing needed to be just right, and it was. Just as we set the camera up for the photo, JJ rang through, and the Christmas Stolp was saved.



The Annual Christmas Stolp (featuring possibly JJ’s lowest depth in hairstyles) 2000.


The Annual Christmas Stolp 2001.


2002 was Ladies’ Day at The Stolp! A trifecta of Ks: Kirst, Kate and Kerry (the KKK) came along for their first Christmas Day Slurpee.


2003 saw Ahab & Naomi head off to Sweden over Christmas, where, to paraphrase Samuel Taylor Coleridge, there’s ‘ice, ice, everywhere, nor any Slurpee to drink’. So Ahab came with us in the usual fashion, (as did his parents for their first Stolp), and was also there in spirit.


By 2003 there was only one who’d been present in person for every Christmas Stolp, year in, year out: me. Hooray. I didn't win anything though. Not even a sunhat or a pair of orthonadontic sandals. Maybe next year. See here for 2004 and here for 2005.

See here for 'A Concise History of the Annual Christmas Slurpee Toss'.

The Annual Christmas Slurpee Toss 2004.

Ahab kicked off the Annual Christmas Slurpee Toss 2004, and set a remarkable new low. His cup cleared the fence of the netball court (an admirable achievement) but it wasn’t the far fence in front of him, it was the nearby fence off to his left (not an admirable achievement).


Kate was the sole female tosser in 2004, and she chose to experiment with an unconventional, under-arm toss. It wasn’t her furthest throw ever, but it did get further than Ahab, and at least it landed on the court.


Davet was up next, and tried a little experimentation of his own. New strategies and techniques are secretly considered by all tossers in the lead up to the event. How much Slurpee should I leave in the cup? Will a larger cup suffer from greater wind resistance? Would a throwing or lobbing technique be the most effective? Am I seriously here throwing a Slurpee cup into the air when I need to be at my family’s in 20 minutes? Anyway, this year Davet devised the controversial clutch grip, whereby he crushed close the top of the cup and threw it like a grenade. His cup just cleared the court, so maybe the technique has some merit.


Benn stepped up with great confidence and hurled his cup over the court and beyond the shelter. It was an impressive throw, and would be tough for final tosser, Steve, to beat.


Steve gave it his best with a strong toss, but only managed to make the white line. Benn was crowned Slurpee Toss King 2004. The absent and now dethroned King, Bart, was heard bellowing belligerently from Belgrade. He’d have to wait until 2005…


The Final Results (official): 1. Benn, 2. Davet, 3. Steve, 4. Kate...


...and 5. Ahab.

The Annual Christmas Stolp 2004.

In 2004 the ranks were hit hard. JJ & Kerry were in the US, Bart was in a bar in Belgrade, and Cobbies was… actually, where was Cobbies?! JJ&K called in from Foggy Bottom, Washington DC, on Christmas Eve at 17:00 Local Time, and Bart, as previously mentioned, was in a bar… so join the dots on whether or not he called in.


Like the Diggers' grandkiddies turning out for Anzac Day, 2004 saw new blood swell the numbers. 2004 also saw an earth-shaking change to tradition. During the year, all the original stolpers had moved out of Templestowe, and in a surprising twist of fate, Davet had bought a house and moved in! Keen to join in with the time-honoured Templestowe tradition, Davet and housemate Benn said they’d be there on Christmas morning. As they were now the only Locals, it seemed appropriate to move the kick-off point from its traditional location at the bottom of Kelvinside Drive, to a new one at their place. The proposal for the shift was met with some degree of trepidation, but it ended up working quite well (less hills to climb on the new route, you see).

The Annual Christmas Slurpee Toss 2005.

A much-anticipated part of the Annual Christmas Stolp is the Annual Christmas Slurpee Toss. Perennial favourite Bart was absent in 2004, so his sought-after title, Slurpee Toss King, went to first-time stolper Benn. With Bart's return in 2005, a showdown loomed.

Davet went first, with his controversial clutch-grip. His strong toss cleared the netball court, but didn't quite make grass.


Cobbies emptied his pockets, tossed hard, and landed his cup in line with Davet's.


Then Ahab stepped up, keen to make up for his shameful effort in 2004 where although his cup travelled a fair distance, that distance was sideways. His toss this year was much improved and fell just short of Davet and Cobbies.


Next up was Bart, keen to regain his crown, and full of his usual bluster and cockiness. After an affected warm-up throw for the crowd, he unloaded, clearing the shelter and landing his cup next to the fence of the second netball court. Not his furthest toss ever, but an impressive distance nonetheless.


Steve was once again caught foot-faulting by the camera, so his so-so throw that didn't clear the court didn't count anyway. Maybe next year.


Finally came Toss King Benn, keen to slap Bart down. The tension was immense as his cup sailed over the netball court and into the shelter, where it skittered underneath the back wall and came to rest on the grass… still a couple of metres from Bart’s cup.


Bart, Slurpee Toss King 2005.


The Final Results (official): 1. Bart, 2. Benn, 3. Davet, 4. Cobbies, 5. Ahab. Disqualified: Steve.


See you in 2006.

The Annual Christmas Stolp 2005.

Well, there was a good turn-out for the Annual Christmas Stolp this year, with JJ and Kerry the only truants. They were sunning themselves up north in Queensland, but still faithfully trooped on down for a Slurpee to their local 7-Eleven, albeit a shade too early due to some time-zone trickery. The required call was still made at the right time though, so it all worked out fine.


2005 saw our first ever non-human stolper in Stolichnaya the Samoyed! First-time stolpers are always welcome, especially ones that enjoy a good Slurpee, and Stoli certainly met that criteria, even if he didn't go for the Super.


2005 also saw the first in utereo stolp, with 'Alpha' along for the ride. Hopefully brain freezes don't affect foetal development.