2011 Fish Balloon Birdbath Cup.

Life is all about opportunities. Those you take, and those you don't. For Post, the 2011 Fish Balloon Birdbath Cup was an opportunity. An opportunity to achieve that which no man (or woman) has achieved before: to hold the three crowns of Templestowe—Master of Demolitions, Toss King and Keeper of the FNOath—at one time.

Many had tried. None had succeeded.

But with Post confirmed as Master of Demolitions and reigning as Toss King, all that remained was to claim the Oath and he was done. Clean sweep. And as he'd triumphed at the Cup before—twice in fact—this opportunity looked ready to be taken.

And take it now he must, because the wheel of time was turning and the annual Slurpee Toss was fast approaching. If Post was to lose the Toss, he would lose an opportunity many were saying he would never see again. For although he was the reigning Toss King, Post had typically not performed well at the Toss—or at least well enough to overcome he who had made the sport his own: Bart.

But in 2010, fortune smiled upon Post, and he at last secured the title of Toss King. And look, let's not concern ourselves to any great extent regarding the details of that year's contest; no, let's just gaze up at the Honour Roll and read '2010—Post'.

And then let's look to the 2011 Birdbath Cup and wonder: Toss King, Master of Demolitions… can Post make history by claiming Keeper of the Oath as well? Let the bottle drop!

First Elimination Final Post v CK
Showing an impressive commitment to the Cup, CK travelled to Templestowe all the way from Werribee, an outer suburb of Melbourne on the other side of town.

But his long journey came to a short end, as an initial burst of activity took CK to a 4-0 lead, but also to the brink of cardiac arrest.

Struggling to breathe, CK called a time out and made his way to the bench to recover. While CK reflected on the perils of ignoring a rigorous pre-season, the action continued.

Second Elimination Final Bart v JJ Glamma
The second elimination was a family affair featuring Bart (in some fetching calf-warmers) and JJ Glamma.
 

Many were hoping to see a repeat of their epic encounter at the 2009 Cup, that saw Glamma outlast his younger sibling and claim the match 11-9—a record score at the Cup. But sadly it was not to be as Bart blasted home five unanswered goals before Glamma even got himself on the board.

Hopes of a comeback were quickly dashed as Bart volleyed a serve under the bench for 2, securing the final 7-2.

First Elimination Final (resumed) Post v CK
When Post and CK resumed their final it was immediately apparent the damage had been done.

Though CK did add a one-point goal to his score, it was otherwise all Post, as the veteran stormed from four down to finish CK off 5-7.

First Semi-final Davet v Post
But there was no rest for the wicked or for Post that day, as he moved straight into his semi-final against Davet. The last time these two met was in the Grand Final at the 2008 Cup, where Post massacred Davet 7-1.

But in 2011 the pressure was all on Post, as his dream depended on Davet's defeat. Trading goal for goal the score inched its way up to 5 apiece. Wearniness was setting in, but Davet, finding something deep within, caught Post flat-footed and blasted an ace between his opponent's feet, taking the score to 6-5.

Davet returned to the line to serve again.

The opportunity was still there.

Davet sent the bottle scorching past Post again for another ace!

The opportunity was lost.

Post congratulated his opponent, but you could see it in his eyes. This one hurt. Hurt a lot.

Second Semi-final Bart v Ahab
The draw had been kind to the reigning champ Ahab who, fresh as a spring daisy, stepped out to meet Bart in the Second Semi-final. But sometimes being fresh doesn't count as much as having had time to settle in and find your range, which Bart clearly had.

There was plenty of big kicking on display and Ahab battled bravely, but the result was never in doubt. Bart imposed himself even more physically than usual…

…and sent Ahab back to the bench 7-5.

Grand Final Davet v Bart
Though Post may not have been there playing to make history, the Fish Balloon Birdbath Cup Grand Final is always an exciting match. And 2011 was no exception. Bart was in scintillating form, and though he'd just finished his second match for the day, he showed no signs of wearying.

Davet started strong, refusing to be intimated by Bart, and taking the early lead. But in typical style, Bart slotted home an intercontinental 3-point goal from way off the bricks, turning the momentum very much back his way.

And though Davet didn't lie down, he didn't get another look in, as Bart stormed home, claiming the match and the Cup 7-3. All credit to Bart, though his form at the Cup has been patchy in the past, in 2011 he did it, and he did it the hardest way you can, ascending to the summit by the longest possible route.

Bart, Keeper of the FNOath.

And with this result, a new opportunity arises. If Bart can reclaim Toss King—surely all but a certainty—will he go on to mount his own campaign for three crown glory and challenge Post for the last remaining title, Master of Demolitions? Concerns still linger over the adverse health effects that led to the competition being abandoned way back in 1995, but if anything can inspire a man to demolish a mountain of ice once more, it's surely the chance to claim glory everlasting.

Wouldn't want to pass up an opportunity.

FURTHER READING
The 2009 Fish Balloon Birdbath Cup
The 2008 Birdbath Olympic Cup
The 2007 Birdbath World Cup
A Concise History of All Things FNO

Obi-Wan never gave spoilers.

In addition to reading Winter The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, I've also just started playing the Lego Star Wars computer game with her. Life goal #36: complete.

And my, she loves it. When we sit down to play, she never wants to stop. The first thing she says to me each morning is, "Daddy, we play Lego Star Wars?" And if that's not proof enough of her devotion, the other night at bedtime she prayed, "And thank you Jesus for Lego Star Wars." Oh my.

Almost had a disaster this morning, though. I'd just woken up and Winter had come in to ask questions about Lego Star Wars.

Winter: Did you unlock any new characters last night, Dad?"

Me: Yep, Jango Fett.
Winter: Who's Jango Fett?
Me: Boba Fett's dad.
Winter: [pause] I didn't know people in Star Wars had dads!

Now, in hindsight, this should maybe have set off some kind of an alarm, but, for whatever reason, it didn't.

Me: Yeah, of course.
Winter: Who else has a dad?

Ok, this definitely should have triggered an alarm, but Winter's favourite character is Queen Amidala, who I'd earlier identified as Princess Leia's mum, so the groundwork for Princess Leia having a dad had already been laid and I carried right on…

Me: Well, Princess Leia has a dad. He's married to Princess Leia's mum.
Winter: Really? Who's Princess Leia's dad?

Ok, let's keep in mind that I had just woken up and my brain was not yet functioning properly, because that's the only way I can think of to explain:

Me: Darth Vader.

AWOOGA AWOOGA. At LAST an alarm went off and I abandoned ship!

Winter: Really?
Me: [pause] Um, well, sort of... but you don't know who that is, do you? Darth Vader?
Winter: The black one. With the helmet.
Me: Oh. [pause] [looooong pause] So anyway. Breakfast?

Look, it could have been worse. She doesn't know the connection between Princess Leia and … some other character who also has a father. And she won't find out that connection until after the… other connection is revealed, so we're all good. As long as I can keep my mouth shut until she's old enough to watch the movies.

UPDATE
Well, Christmas is coming, and I've been looking everywhere to try and find Winter a present that could encourage her interest in Star Waaaaaait a second, what the heck is this?

Princess Vader, you say? Perfect! Ticks all the boxes I can think of. Hmm, only thing is it's a custom job, so if I want something similar I better get to work.

The Child, the Book and the Checklist.

Just finished reading The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe to Winter. Life goal #22: complete.

Next up: Prince Caspian, because the books should be read in published order not chronological order. In my extraordinarily humble opinion.

UPDATE
Haha. Glamma informs me that the reading order for the Narnia series is actually a highly contentious issue that has been debated on the Internet at great length. I shouldn't be surprised—I've been on the Internet long enough to know that almost every issue has been debated at great length thereon—but still, I am. I mean, I can't see how anyone could argue in favour of reading them chronologically—at least, no one who'd actually read the books. To start with the Magican's Nephew is to totally undermine, ruin even, the whole story of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, and to diffuse it of its magic. Maybe you could argue for some other non-publishing order, but never chronological.

Steve Jobs – 1955-2011

As a child I never stopped dreaming about the future and what it would be like. My iPhone was the first thing to make it feel like the future had arrived. Thanks Steve. Rest in peace.

Happy Star Wars™ Day™.

I wasn't going to do a post for Star Wars™ Day™ this year. It's getting pretty tough coming up with new reasons to be excited (and new illnesses), and I didn't want my annual posts to become little more than a whinge about how much better things were back when I were a boy. Wa, wa, wa.

But then a friend sent me an article, I was a Star Wars fan – I'm still recovering, that so perfectly captured my own experience (someone else played Tapper?!), that I thought, "What the hell, one more whinge for old times' sake."

It's been a rough dozen years for us Star Wars fans. The release of The Phantom Menace split the community in half, the gushers (people who loved it) and the bashers (people who didn't). If you can't tell from my equating fandom with alcoholism, I am a basher. Each of the next two movies, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, was worse than the last, and it became increasingly hard to identify as a fan. After all, the whole franchise was based on six feature films, and I hated half of them (and only sort of liked Return of the Jedi).

Do click through. It's a great piece.

I've got to say, the deeper I get buried in disappointment, the more I warm to the idea of rebooting the franchise. My. I never thought I'd say that. I'm generally opposed to rebooting, just on principle. The current craze for it—Battlestar Galactica, V, The Hulk, Spiderman, Star Trek, Conan, etc, etc—reeks of profiteering; less, if at all, about telling better stories than simply exploiting nostalgia to maximise ticket sales.

But with Star Wars I'm prepared to make an exception. Because let's just admit it: the Star Wars saga is broken. Broken beyond repair. The warning signs were there in 1997 with the Special Editions, but it wasn't until the Prequels that the rot really set in. And as the years rolled by, the infection has spread so far that the only thing to do is burn the bugger to the ground and start again.

It's a drastic solution, for sure, but as I see it, rebooting would offer a chance to fix three of the Prequels' biggest flaws.

1. Far too special effects
George Lucas once said:

"Special effects are just a tool: a means of telling a story. People have a tendency to confuse them as an ends unto themselves."

And George should know, because it's a tendency he's fallen into himself. He continues:

"A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing."

Well, quite, but did you really need to make three multi-million dollar films to prove it? Point made! Give it a rest. What story there was in the Prequels was there only to support a special effects showcase. If Lucas had put the effort into crafting his narrative that he put into conjuring his effects, the Prequels might even have been good.

2. Joining the dots
One big problem with the Prequels is that faced by any prequel: we already know how it's going to end. Maybe not the details, but certainly the framework, and Lucas didn't try to subvert or challenge this at all. Like, we all knew Sidious was Palpatine, right? The hints were as subtle as a Force push to the face. Well, imagine it had turned out he wasn't! Imagine if Lucas—knowing what we thought we knew—had appeared to confirm it, only to pull the walking carpet out from under our feet when the great reveal finally occurred! But no. He joined the dots from A to V and woke us all up when we got there.

Rebooting would let us re-establish the characters we love, then enjoy their continuing adventures into the unknown. Han could live again! Sure, no one can replace Harrison, but everyone else is up for grabs, right? It's not like Mark Hamill, bless him, won any Oscars for his performance. Actually, thinking about it, maybe Harrison can be replaced? I'd love to see Sam Rockwell's Han Solo. Or Ed Norton, Christian Bale, Josh Brolin or even Brad Pitt! And what about Rupert Grint trying out for Luke? Seriously. And Emily Browning for Leia? Anyway.

3. Forward to the past
It's always bugged me how the universe of the Prequels is so obviously more technologically advanced than the Classic trilogy. And saying the galaxy withered and went backwards after the fall of the Old Republic doesn't explain how a slave boy's podracer can be more sophisticated than the Imperial military's frontline fighters. Anachronisms like that yank me out of the universe and remind me I'm watching a film made 20 years after the first. But a rebooted universe would let us start from the start (crazy!), and advances in the world of filmmaking could walk hand-in-hand with the worlds of the film. Everything can match, continuity can be achieved, and balance can be restored!

'Course, none of this could ever happen before—God forbid—Uncle George shuffles off to a galaxy far, far away... but we can dream, can't we? Dream of a re-imagined Classic trilogy—essentially unchanged (the Ewok storyline needs tweaking)—but made with today's filmmaking technology, followed up by an adaptation of Timothy Zahn's Thrawn trilogy, and concluded with a third trilogy based around the Yuuzhan Vong series. Or even better, get Zahn and the equally great Michael A Stackpole to craft something new altogether! And Peter Jackson can direct the lot! Or Christopher Nolan! I'm not picky. They can take it in turns if they want. Sure, it'd have to be done right—and there's oh-so-so much potential for it to go horribly wrong—but hey, I'm an optimist, so I believe.

Right, I'm off to watch Empire again. Happy Star Wars™ Day™. May the fourth be with you.

UPDATE
Now this could be interesting. Joe Johnston, Hollywood director and the man credited with designing Boba Fett's armour, wants to spin off a Boba Fett film. Not quite what I was thinking off, but it could be great—if it brushed with small strokes, limiting itself to a standalone story and avoiding any reference to Boba's growing back story. Young Boba in the Clone Wars animated series wasn't as bad as in the Prequels, but he wasn't much good either as he had to carry all of Lucas' baggage from the Prequels. I guess we'll see.

UPDATE 2
You're really not doing yourself any favours, you know, George? Sigh. The Blu-rays are out, and Lucas' urge to tinker is as irresistible as ever. The Ewoks now blink—at last—and arguably the worst moment in the Prequel trilogy now finds a reflection in the Classic. Nooooooooooo! Does anyone—even Rick "That's fantastic, George" McCallum—think these changes are good? Do any of them enhance the story at all? When will it end? Embarrassing.

UPDATE 3
George Lucas Strikes Back. With a little help from some old friends. Very good.

Choc lotto.

Made the mistake of buying a Cadbury Boost bar the other day. Mistake because I enjoyed it so much I bought another one the next day. And a third the day after that. Third time unlucky though, because halfway through the chocolate bar I discovered not so much a Golden Ticket, but more a small flap of blue plastic.


Eurgh. Gave it a tug, but it was stuck fast. First reaction was disappointment I wasn't going to be able to finish my chocolate bar. Called the number on the wrapper and got through to a very friendly woman who took down the details. After confirming the plastic was soft, she expressed relief that no one had been hurt. "It shouldn't have been there at all, of course," she said, "but it's great to hear it's unlikely to have hurt anyone."

A Reply Paid envelope would be dispatched, she said, so I could return the sample, and after a couple more questions she wished me all the best and we were done. I have to say, I was impressed by the exchange. The woman was friendly, helpful and seemed genuinely concerned about getting the issue resolved. I don't know what I was expecting. An automated set of recordings or the bored teenager working through a script that I usually seem to encounter when dealing with corporations over the phone, I guess.

Anyway, mail arrived today.


Not quite the Lifetime Supply of Boost Bars I'd been hoping for, but still, nice. "We appreciate you bringing this incident to our attention," the enclosed letter read, "and trust the complimentary parcel you received helped to restore your faith in our products." Well, let's not get too ahead of ourselves. I'll need to verify there are no further contaminants in these products before my faith can be properly restored.

Now, which one to verify first…

Summer lovin'.

Well, never thought I'd find myself saying this but, thanks summer, you've been awesome!

As a red-haired, pale-eyed, pasty sort of a fellow with an aversion to sweat, I'm not very fond of summer. By the end of February I'll normally yell, "Good riddance and don't let the falling leaves of autumn hit you on the way out."

But this year, things were a little different:


Only three days above 35 degrees, hours per day of direct sunlight well short of the average, and the wettest Victorian summer on record... well, I'm going to go on record myself and say this has been the greatest summer of my life!

I honestly feel blessed to have lived through the "summer that wasn't" of 2010-11. Summer of '69, you say? Remind me what that was all about? Buying a guitar and playing in a band that didn't get anywhere? Err, ok. Was that it? Well, each to their own, I guess, but if we're ranking summers, then one with over 300 millimetres of rain sounds hard to beat to me. :)


It's like the universe finally sat up and paid attention to all my years of moaning. "Come here, squeaky wheel," it said. "How does 14 more days of rain than normal sound?" Sounds pretty great, summer. Thanks! Got to say, I like the new you. Keep this behaviour up and you'll be welcome back in my hemisphere any time.


UPDATE
Pool old Gerry Harvey's doing it tough. First the Internet came along sticking the boots into his business, and now nature's conspiring against him too!

"The executive chairman of retailer Harvey Norman, Gerry Harvey, said Victorian sales of airconditioners were 30 per cent down on last year and fans and evaporative coolers had also sold poorly. "It was a very bad season for airconditioners,'' said Mr Harvey. "It would go down as one of the very bad years."

UPDATE 2
Winter said to me tonight, "Dad, I don't like summer. It's as hot as lava." Proud.

The Annual Christmas Slurpee Toss 2010.

Slurpee tossing. Doesn't sound like much. Sounds like the sort of thing a bunch of pissed blokes came up with while laying around with too much time on their hands. But for those who each year step foot on that sacred strip of Templestowe asphalt, Slurpee tossing is far more than an idle pursuit. For to toss Slurpees is to engage in that timeless struggle known as competition, and in competition the stakes are high: victory or defeat, glory or humiliation, life in abundance or death.

Sounds like serious business to me.

But serious though it is, Slurpee tossing has so far failed to achieve the wide acceptance of more traditional sports, such as football and cricket. Despite the best efforts of its fans and boosters, Slurpee tossing remains a grass-roots affair.

But the grass has begun to grow.

For in 2010, no less than the municipal council of the cities of Doncaster and Templestowe showed their support for the sport by organising a community barbecue to run in conjunction with the annual Slurpee Toss. "What better way to celebrate the festive season," the mayor possibly said, "than with sausages and Slurpees?" How indeed? And the people agreed, packing the kids and a picnic basket into the car and turning up at the appointed hour in droves. It was exciting stuff.

But when the tossers turned up and saw the crowd waiting to watch them, they weren't excited. If anything, they could only be described as, well… embarrassed! A readiness to toss turned into a stream of excuses: "Ooh, not the best conditions for tossing today, ooh, my back's a bit sore, ooh, I think I left the iron on at home…"

I know, I know. Unbelievable. At last these tossers had the audience they deserved, and yet one by one they all found an excuse to pass. All?

All but one.

While those around him wilted in the glare of a hundred eyes, only Post stayed firm. "I came here to toss," he declared, "and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Will no one join me out here on the pitch?" Disappointingly for those gathered, it looked like no one would, but then from out of the crowd stepped Dashi and Tweak.

Though they'd never tossed a Slurpee before, these two girls were ready to make a competition of this thing. Sure, aged four and two as they were, it wasn't much competition, but unlike the cowering veterans on the sidelines these two were ready to give it a shot, and the Toss was on!


Post elected to go first. Hurling himself down the pitch, he hit the line and sent his cup scorching into space like a fireball. Crashing down on the far side of the court, it was a mark the two 'small cup' competitors would find hard to beat. But what they lacked in size, they made up in heart, as each stepped forward to give it all she had.


Moving easily down the pitch, it was hard to believe Dashi hadn't done this before. With a smooth motion, she sent her cup skyward, but it came to rest only a few metres in front of her. It wouldn't land her the title, but Dashi was rightly proud of her effort nonetheless.


Tweak followed quickly and, employing the same unconventional under-arm style as used by her mother, she launched her cup right into the cameraman crouching just in front of her. A wide grin and a cheeky laugh suggested this might not have been entirely unintentional. Keep your eye on this one.


The title? The title was Post's.


Bart wandered over to shake the King's hand, and was heard to say he was reminded of the 1984 Olympics when America won all the gold because Russia didn't turn up. Perhaps fearing his comments might be seen as sour grapes, he was quick to add, "Although, you know, it was still Olympic gold." Exactly right. All a competitor can do is challenge those willing to compete on the day, and that on this day the victor could have thrown his competition as far as they were able to throw their cups... well, that's not the King's fault. It's still Olympic gold.

The Final Results (official).
1. Post (Toss King); 2. Dashi (The Jack); 3. Tweak.

All considered, it was an impressive debut by the two rookies. They might not have defeated Post, but had they been competing in 2008 they would have bested long-time campaigner Davet, and that's no small thing. The torch — or rather, the icy cup — has definitely been handed to the next generation.

All eyes now turn towards the Birdbath Cup. As Master of Demolitions and now Toss King, can Post reclaim the title of Keeper of the FNOath and realise his dream to hold all three Templetitles at once? Only time, and this blog, will tell.

See you at the Birdbath!

Too much Slurpee blogging barely enough?
Keep on Stolping: The First Pour–2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010.
Keep on Tossing: Dawn of Time–2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009.
Keep on Demolishing: The Alpha and the Omega.

The Annual Christmas Stolp 2010.

My word. It's the end of March and I still haven't posted this. Sigh. It's customary to write a few words to mark the occasion, but at this rate if I start now I probably still won't be done by the time the 2011 Stolp comes around. Suffice to say, it's always a pleasure stolping with the old crew, and 2010 was no exception. See you again soon.


Too much Slurpee blogging barely enough?
Keep on Stolping: The First Pour–2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009.
Keep on Tossing: Dawn of Time–2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010.
Keep on Demolishing: The Alpha and the Omega.