2011 Fish Balloon Birdbath Cup.

Life is all about opportunities. Those you take, and those you don't. For Post, the 2011 Fish Balloon Birdbath Cup was an opportunity. An opportunity to achieve that which no man (or woman) has achieved before: to hold the three crowns of Templestowe—Master of Demolitions, Toss King and Keeper of the FNOath—at one time.

Many had tried. None had succeeded.

But with Post confirmed as Master of Demolitions and reigning as Toss King, all that remained was to claim the Oath and he was done. Clean sweep. And as he'd triumphed at the Cup before—twice in fact—this opportunity looked ready to be taken.

And take it now he must, because the wheel of time was turning and the annual Slurpee Toss was fast approaching. If Post was to lose the Toss, he would lose an opportunity many were saying he would never see again. For although he was the reigning Toss King, Post had typically not performed well at the Toss—or at least well enough to overcome he who had made the sport his own: Bart.

But in 2010, fortune smiled upon Post, and he at last secured the title of Toss King. And look, let's not concern ourselves to any great extent regarding the details of that year's contest; no, let's just gaze up at the Honour Roll and read '2010—Post'.

And then let's look to the 2011 Birdbath Cup and wonder: Toss King, Master of Demolitions… can Post make history by claiming Keeper of the Oath as well? Let the bottle drop!

First Elimination Final Post v CK
Showing an impressive commitment to the Cup, CK travelled to Templestowe all the way from Werribee, an outer suburb of Melbourne on the other side of town.

But his long journey came to a short end, as an initial burst of activity took CK to a 4-0 lead, but also to the brink of cardiac arrest.

Struggling to breathe, CK called a time out and made his way to the bench to recover. While CK reflected on the perils of ignoring a rigorous pre-season, the action continued.

Second Elimination Final Bart v JJ Glamma
The second elimination was a family affair featuring Bart (in some fetching calf-warmers) and JJ Glamma.
 

Many were hoping to see a repeat of their epic encounter at the 2009 Cup, that saw Glamma outlast his younger sibling and claim the match 11-9—a record score at the Cup. But sadly it was not to be as Bart blasted home five unanswered goals before Glamma even got himself on the board.

Hopes of a comeback were quickly dashed as Bart volleyed a serve under the bench for 2, securing the final 7-2.

First Elimination Final (resumed) Post v CK
When Post and CK resumed their final it was immediately apparent the damage had been done.

Though CK did add a one-point goal to his score, it was otherwise all Post, as the veteran stormed from four down to finish CK off 5-7.

First Semi-final Davet v Post
But there was no rest for the wicked or for Post that day, as he moved straight into his semi-final against Davet. The last time these two met was in the Grand Final at the 2008 Cup, where Post massacred Davet 7-1.

But in 2011 the pressure was all on Post, as his dream depended on Davet's defeat. Trading goal for goal the score inched its way up to 5 apiece. Wearniness was setting in, but Davet, finding something deep within, caught Post flat-footed and blasted an ace between his opponent's feet, taking the score to 6-5.

Davet returned to the line to serve again.

The opportunity was still there.

Davet sent the bottle scorching past Post again for another ace!

The opportunity was lost.

Post congratulated his opponent, but you could see it in his eyes. This one hurt. Hurt a lot.

Second Semi-final Bart v Ahab
The draw had been kind to the reigning champ Ahab who, fresh as a spring daisy, stepped out to meet Bart in the Second Semi-final. But sometimes being fresh doesn't count as much as having had time to settle in and find your range, which Bart clearly had.

There was plenty of big kicking on display and Ahab battled bravely, but the result was never in doubt. Bart imposed himself even more physically than usual…

…and sent Ahab back to the bench 7-5.

Grand Final Davet v Bart
Though Post may not have been there playing to make history, the Fish Balloon Birdbath Cup Grand Final is always an exciting match. And 2011 was no exception. Bart was in scintillating form, and though he'd just finished his second match for the day, he showed no signs of wearying.

Davet started strong, refusing to be intimated by Bart, and taking the early lead. But in typical style, Bart slotted home an intercontinental 3-point goal from way off the bricks, turning the momentum very much back his way.

And though Davet didn't lie down, he didn't get another look in, as Bart stormed home, claiming the match and the Cup 7-3. All credit to Bart, though his form at the Cup has been patchy in the past, in 2011 he did it, and he did it the hardest way you can, ascending to the summit by the longest possible route.

Bart, Keeper of the FNOath.

And with this result, a new opportunity arises. If Bart can reclaim Toss King—surely all but a certainty—will he go on to mount his own campaign for three crown glory and challenge Post for the last remaining title, Master of Demolitions? Concerns still linger over the adverse health effects that led to the competition being abandoned way back in 1995, but if anything can inspire a man to demolish a mountain of ice once more, it's surely the chance to claim glory everlasting.

Wouldn't want to pass up an opportunity.

FURTHER READING
The 2009 Fish Balloon Birdbath Cup
The 2008 Birdbath Olympic Cup
The 2007 Birdbath World Cup
A Concise History of All Things FNO

2009 Fish Balloon Birdbath Cup.

In the lead up to the 2009 Birdbath Cup, all talk centred around the likelihood of two-time Keeper of the FNOath, Post, claiming his third title in a row. Any why wouldn't it? The champ's emphatic victories of the previous two years left little doubt as to the likely outcome, and in the absence of an obvious challenger, a threepeat®™ (Riles & Co. Used under licence. All rights reserved.) seemed all but certain.

Bart's name had been put forward – by himself – as a clear and present danger, but his form of recent years just didn't back him up. A more realistic threat came in the form of Ahab. He'd always possessed a thundering kick, but a remarkable pre-season that had seen him drop a staggering 44kgs from his frame meant he was lean, mean and keen to get out on the bricks and start booting bottles around. Provided there were no dog shows to attend that weekend, of course.

As the great day finally arrived, the expectation hit fever pitch. As first order of the day, a ceremony was held to bestow perpetual tournament naming rights on long-time FNOccer supporter, the Templestowe Fish Balloon. Once the formalities were complete, the competitors indulged in a generous spread of deep-fried Fish Balloon fare, and none left hungry or disappointed.


The first round of the 2009 draw saw Ahab and Davet set to clash in a Qualification match, before Bart and JJ Glamma would lock horns in the First semi-final, the winner of which would get an express ticket to the Grand Final. Round 2 would see the winner of the Qualifier run into the Defending Champion in the Second semi-final, and Round 3 would cap it all off as the two Semi-final winners met in the Fish Balloon Grand Final. Make sense? Good!

Let the bottle drop!

ROUND 1
Qualification: Ahab v Davet
As you would expect when two athletes step into the same space to battle over a bottle, FNOccer matches are often fiery affairs. But when Ahab and Davet lined up for their pre-drop press shot, each threw an arm around the other and grinned away in an expression of good-natured sportsmanship much applauded by the crowd.


When the bottle dropped, however, Davet's smile was promptly turned on its dial as Ahab lived up to his rating as a tournament threat and blasted home five unanswered goals.


Davet steadied though, and dragged himself onto the board with two of his own, but the marauding Ahab shrugged them off and slammed home another pair to finish his opponent off 7-2. A very convincing display.

First semi-final: Bart v Glamma
The First semi-final pit brother against brother, or as Bart quipped during the pre-match press conference, "cough v hangover", as each made early excuses for possible form.


Glamma drew first blood once out on the bricks, and then held the lead all the way to match point where, trailing by two, it looked like Bart would be bundled out early once again. Preparing to serve for his life, Bart took a deep breath, focussed his bleary eyes...


...and unleashed a storm! Recalling his golden displays of yesteryear, the prancing veteran slammed home three aces in a row, thumping the score to 7-6 in his favour, and turning the match on its head. Glamma wasn't giving up either though, and the brothers exchanged goal for goal all the way to 9-10, when a reckless over the shoulder hold by Bart sent Glamma to the penalty line. Glamma elected to kick from the one-point line, but he missed and the game was back on. Bart, getting desperate, was blazing away, but like William Wallace on the blood-drenched battlefields of ancient Scotland, Glamma held, held, held...


...and finally, with a deft touch, slid home his record-setting eleventh goal of the match to win by two. Epic!

ROUND 2
Second semi-final: Ahab v Post
Ahab's devastating takedown of Davet led several commentators to suggest the Keeper had cause for concern.


But you don't win back-to-back Birdbath Cups by listening to the opinions of others, and right from the drop the champ came out strong, knocking Ahab off balance with a 'don't argue' in the centre circle, and then knocking the first score onto the board.


But it was there his score stayed as Ahab grabbed the game by the throat and slammed home five goals in a row for the second time that day. It takes more than a five-goal onslaught to rattle Post, however, and muttering something about being "no' left-handed" he responded by piling on five straight goals of his own! It felt, to be honest, a little like watching a cat playing with a mouse.

And so, with the champ perched on match point, Ahab needed something big. His next serve went scorching across the bricks, but it was narrowly deflected by Post's foot and went scuttling over to the lamppost, coming to rest just off the bricks. Ahab moved in and pumped the bottle through the air, past the champ's feet and... under the bench for three!


Clearly surprised, Post turned slowly as his brain worked feverishly to process what had just occurred. Ahab... on five... first kick... from off the bricks... scores three... makes eight... which is one past seven and two past me... he's won! Ahab's won!


Dreams crushed, Post sealed the deal with a somewhat reluctant handshake. And who can blame him? In the post-match press conference, the jackals of the free press asked if he was disappointed to fail in his claim for a third straight title? The hardest part, he replied, had been calling his wife after the defeat and hearing his three-year-old daughter in the background asking, "Mum, did Dad lost?" He hadn't let himself down, he explained, he'd let his little girl down. That's special, isn't it? There's always next year, little one.

ROUND 3
Fish Balloon Grand Final: Ahab v JJ Glamma
Unlike previous years, the 2009 Fish Balloon Grand Final had no clear favourite. As a grand finalist in 2007, Glamma was comfortable performing on the big stage, and Ahab's blistering form was such that doubts and nerves didn't get a look in.


And initially neither did Glamma, as Ahab dominated out on the bricks once again, driving the score to four goals to none in no time at all.


Glamma eventually dragged himself onto the board with a scorcher he sliced through Ahab's feet and under the bench for two. He followed it up with another quick goal, declaring defiantly to the crowd that he wasn't just going to roll over. But in the end it wasn't up to him, as Ahab volleyed his next serve under the bench to claim the competition, 6-3.


It was a classy end to a magnificent performance from Ahab, and combined with his stunning upset victory at the last Slurpee Toss, this really has been the Year of the Whale. A new superpower has arisen, and with Glamma despairing at being the bridesmaid once again, Post longing to regain his lost crown, and Bart just desperate for plasticware (any sort of plasticware), the annual campaigns to come promise to be compelling indeed.

Below: Ahab, Keeper of the FNOath.


FURTHER READING
The 2008 Birdbath Olympic Cup
The 2007 Birdbath World Cup
A Concise History of All Things FNO

The 2008 Birdbath Olympic Cup.

When Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd visited China in March 2008, he took the opportunity to converse openly with Chinese President Hu Jintao on a range of topics, none more important than the inclusion of FNOccer in the upcoming Beijing Olympic Games. Mr Rudd, a longtime fan of competitive bottle kicking, put his case forward with passion, and in fluent Mandarian, no less. "Surely FNOccer deserved full event status," he argued, "after receiving widespread acclaim at Athens 2004 in a stunningly successful demonstration." President Hu reacted sharply at Mr Rudd's use of the word 'demonstration' (he mistakenly used yóu xíng 游行 meaning 'protest' instead of the correct cāo yǎn 操演 meaning 'a practical exhibition'), but a quick whisper to an interpreter cleared up the confusion at once. "And if the equine events are to be held off-shore in Hong Kong," continued Mr Rudd, "why not other events as well?"

President Hu, though clearly convinced, responded with regret, explaining that with the People's United Workforce already struggling to meet their construction deadlines, it would not be possible to construct another Glorious People's Venue in which the athletes could compete. Smiling, Mr Rudd turned to the assembled media and said (this time in English), "President Hu, on behalf of the Australian government and the Australian people, I make available to you and the citizens of the world, Australia's oldest, most hallowed brick surface and the home itself of the nation's second-favourite homegrown game, the Birdbath!! President Hu again turned to his interpreter, and Mr Rudd, sensing the confusion, rushed to clarify. "Or rather, I should say, the Templestowe FNOccer Ground, which is known affectionately to us Australians as the Birdbath! There was once a birdbath there, you see? But it was vandalised. By vandals. It's not there anymore. Let me show you a picture..."

Anyway, Mr Wu, eventually overcome by this genuine expression of the Olympic spirit, enthusiastically shook Mr Rudd's hand in acceptance, and an accord was reached. Back in Australia the news was received by the FNOccer community with great joy, but little surprise. After all, if freakin' beach volley ball can get in, there's no reason kickin' around a plastic bottle can't as well.


Roll on a few months to like the luckiest date in the history of forever, 08.08.08, and the big day finally arrived. Templestowe stood ready for the arrival of an army of athletes — drawn from a thousand countries, cultures, colours and creeds, united by nothing but the Olympic spirit and a pure love for FNOccer — but, mysteriously, the army somehow failed to arrive! Where could they be? What could have happened? Had they all somehow got the date wrong? Forgotten to set the alarm on their clock/radios? Travelled by mistake to Austria? Chosen to fly Qantas and were currently stranded in a transit lounge in Malaysia? No one could say for sure, and as FNOccer waits for no man, the officials eventually decided, international field or not, the bottle had to drop.

In the interests of keeping the global focus so essential for an Olympic event, the now all-Australian competitors pledged to each select a different nation to represent out on the bricks. (Any medals won would still be awarded to Australia, though. Of course. Don't get carried away.) As reigning World Champion and Keeper of the FNOath, Steve was offered first dibs on representing Australia, but with a pathological aversion to green and gold (especially in combination) he passed, and chose a country with a proper set of national colours, New Zealand. Seeing in Usain Bolt a hubris matched only by his own, CK elected to represent Jamaica. Enamoured of all things Scandinavian since his days at Ericsson many winters ago, Davet chose Sweden. Large, arrogant and with a fondness for invading impoverished nations and stealing their oil, JJ chose the USA. (Cheap shot, I know, but with a price that low I'd be mad going anywhere else!) Inspired by famous Olympic boxer, Naseem Hamed, who, despite boxing for Great Britain, insisted on being announced as "representing his heritage land of Yemen," Bart also chose Yemen.


Once allegiances were declared, the athletes gathered to enjoy the deep-fried Opening Ceremony, brought to you by Olympic Partner, the Templestowe Fish Balloon. Jaws dropped at a stunning display of synchronised burger-eating, and hearts were won as a troupe of performers imagined a world (using nothing but half-full bottles of Pepsi Max), where children were free to kick around a plastic bottle without fear of global warming swelling the oceans and flooding their low-lying, coastal bricked surfaces. It was amazing. When the Opening Ceremony concluded, the athletes made their way to the Templestowe FNOccer Ground, to await Bart (the bad boy of the FNOccer circuit), who was en route after sitting a motorcycle test that morning.

While they waited, the draw was done. Round 1 pit CK against JJ Glamma in a Qualification match, while Bart and Davet clashed in a Semi-final, the winner of which would travel directly to the Grand Final. Round 2 was the Second Semi-final, which would see the winner of the Qualifier come up against the Defending Champion, Steve, whose reigning status earned him a first round rest. Round 3 would be the Gold Medal match between the two Semi-final winners. As a concession to CK, who'd somehow made it to the Olympics without ever actually playing FNOccer, it was agreed that in Round 1 the Semi-final would be played before the Qualifier, so he'd at least get to watch a game being played before being called upon to play one himself.

Once the draw was done, (and Bart had finally arrived), the bottle was dropped and the Game was on!

ROUND 1
Semi-final: Davet (Sweden) v Bart (Yemen)
A stiff draw for Davet saw him run into heavyweight Bart in his first game, but if he could knock the prancing Yemeni down, he'd earn himself a trip direct to the golden Grand Final. Refusing to be intimidated by Bart's physicality out on the bricks, Davet managed to hold his own. And citing lessons learned last year from JJ the Great One-Pointer, he capitalised on a number of penalty shots by playing safe from the 1-point line, building his score slowly but surely.


But then, with the scores locked at four all, the two competitors clashed at the centre line. In a tangle of feet, Davet managed to kick free, but Bart, somehow, volleyed with his primary kick and sent the bottle scuttling under the bench for two, perching himself on the very lips of victory. Could Davet score the next four straight points to claim the game? Well, as the Swede stepped to the serving line to find out, Bart – seemingly stung by a sudden attack of conscience – threw up a red flag, saying that he might possibly have stepped over the line when kicking his last goal...


The match officials went straight to the tapes, and confirmed that, yes, he had indeed faulted, and the scores were levelled again at 4 apiece. The crowd, inspired by this display of sportsmanship, applauded Bart loudly. Good lesson there for the kids coming up through the junior leagues: it's not about winning; it's about winning right. However noble the act may have been, though, it seemed to rob Bart of his fire, and Davet, with three thumping goals in quick succession, knocked the scores to 7-4 and Bart back onto the steps.

In the post-match interview, a deflated Bart expressed regret for once again failing to achieve his personal goals for the Cup, and depriving his fans of the razzle dazzle they so love to see when he's out on the bricks. Davet, by contrast, was pleased with his performance, though unsurprised at the result, suggesting that a victory over Bart no longer meant what it once did! A slapdown we can only hope reignites Bart's fireworks next year.

Qualification: JJ Glamma (USA) v CK (Jamaica)
In the lead-up to the Cup, first time competitor CK was all over the Anderson St Press talking up his prospects, declaring that once he was out on the bricks, the Birdbath would become the bloodbath. Come game-day however, the only blood being shed was CK's as JJ Glamma came out like a Superpower, slamming home five rapid goals and leaving the rookie struggling for answers.


Realising that his dreams of gold were about to be washed in white, the Jamaican dug deep, and with legs pumping like pistons he blasted home a pair of goals, including a 2-pointer from off the bricks. But JJ, keen to recapture the glory of his dream run last year, refused to be rattled, and slotted home another two goals to finish CK off, 7 to 3.


ROUND 2
Semi-final: JJ Glamma (USA) v Steve (New Zealand)
(Bronze Medal match)
Glamma's win over CK came with a cost though, as the Round 1 reshuffle meant he advanced straight into a Semi-final against the well-rested Keeper of the FNOath, Steve. And the cost was clear as Steve blitzed the heavy-footed JJ, dragging the scoreline out to 6-1 whether it wanted to go there or not. And when Glamma faulted in the following rally and sent Steve to the penalty line, the Golden Ticket looked to have the Champ's name all over it.


But a shocked gasp erupted from the steps as Steve strode past the 1-point penalty line, and headed for the 2. "What are you doing?" Davet exclaimed. "You only need one point to win!" "Nope," the Champ replied, "You can't win with a 1-point penalty." As Davet started to respond the Champ cut him short with an emphatic clarification, "I can't win with a 1-point penalty!" There it was again. The need to win right: some call it cocky; others the mark of a true champion. Steve's shot went wide, however, and the game was back on.


Glamma staged an impressive fightback, scoring the next three goals to take his tally to four, but his dreams of gold disappeared under a bench as the Keeper finally slid another goal through, finishing his opponent off, 7 to 4.

ROUND 3
Grand Final: Steve (New Zealand) v Davet (Sweden)
(Gold Medal match)
No rest for the magnificent as now it was Steve's turn for back-to-back clashes, heading straight into the Grand Final against the Norsca-fresh Davet. "It's only fair," Steve was overheard saying as he adjusted his shoelaces before stepping onto the bricks. "I wouldn't ask anything of my fellow competitors that I wasn't prepared to do myself." Anything except lose, of course. The champ seems quite prepared to leave that one to just his opponents.


And, indeed, now it was Davet's turn as Steve smashed the Swede into the ground, 7 to 1, in a demolition that recalled his equally impressive takedown of Bart at the 2007 Birdbath World Cup. But the one-sided scoreline doesn't tell quite the whole story as, despite Davet's only score coming from one of his now habitual 1-point penalties, he nevertheless fought a tough defensive game that pushed the champ to his limits.


In the end though, with a seismic 3-point primary kick from deep off the bricks, and a salvo of singles sent scorching under the bench with devastating precision, the man they call The Postman got his message through.


Below: Gold Medallist and Two-time Keeper of the FNOath, Steve


Below: The Medal Ceremony. Gold: Steve (New Zealand), Silver: Davet (Sweden), Bronze: JJ Glamma (USA).


FURTHER READING:
The 2007 Birdbath World Cup
A Concise History of All Things FNO

The Birdbath World Cup 2007.

A World Cup is a sign. A sign that a game has come of age, and is ready to join the elder statesmen of international sport. And for FNOccer, that mortal struggle of mind and muscle over the mastery of a molded vessel, that time... is now.


The Birdbath World Cup. With record crowds flocking to the games of the FN National FNOccer League, the establishment of a World Cup was merely a matter of time. A generation had grown up living and breathing and eating and drinking and stacking the dishwasher of FNOccer, and now they were passing the passion on. Children around the world were coming home from school, or in from the park, or wherever, and discovering an unexpected gift sitting on their bed. With squeals of delight, and in a frenzy of tearing paper, they'd unwrap it to discover their very first empty plastic bottle. Their eyes would light up, their minds would fill with wonder, and the game played on.

The Birdbath World Cup. At last, the debate that has been raging in pubs, over dinner tables and around water coolers everywhere, will end. The debate over who (or possibly 'whom'?) in the realm of FNOccer is King. For it's true that any man who pulls on a pair of boots and kicks around a plastic bottle is, by definition, a King, but of those Kings, who is Kingest of all? Who has what it takes to rend all rivals asunder and claim that most coveted of crowns, The Birdbath Cup... if, indeed, a cup can be a crown? Well, it can certainly be a cup and, for now, that'll do.


The Birdbath World Cup. It's the game that stops a Nation! Well, part of a nation. Ok, a suburb. And I guess that Templestowe didn't so much stop, as... well, you know, continue on as it was before... but there certainly were some children who stopped to look on as they were passing. For a minute or so. And there were some dogs, too.

Anyway, enough preamble, let the Bottle drop! GAME ON!

ROUND 1
Game 1: Ahab v Bart
A tough draw for Captain Ahab saw him facing off against tournament favourite Bart in the first round. In typical fashion, Bart strutted onto the bricks like a rooster, talking loudly about "another day at the office," and claiming victory was assured even if he was to let only his reputation out onto the Bricks.


Ahab, to his credit, struggled valiantly against his opponent, even firing off a number of rockets that brought the crowd to their feet, but was nevertheless quickly slotted away, 7 goals to 2.

Game 2: Cobbies v Davet
Agent Cobbies arrived at the Cup ready to win. A rigourous pre-season regimen, including 10 sessions of Bikram Hot Yoga, had him "as fit as a Mallee bull." But even a Mallee bull can be thrown onto the backfoot, and Cobbies promptly was, as Davet worked a mighty mill of cracked pepper at his defence.


Cobbies managed to hold the line, but, when looking good at 5 goals to 3, he suddenly fell foul of a rule he claimed to have never heard; but a World Cup is not the place for pillows, daisies, or second chances and the game went on.


But The Agent was rattled, and Davet, sensing the opportunity, dug deep and finally broke through with a pair of two pointers, sealing the game, 7 goals to 5, and sending Cobbies back to the steps to ponder what could have been.

Game 3: JJ Glamma v Steve
Seismographs around the world detected the shockwaves of Game 3.


A trio of quick, unanswered goals to FNOccer Superstar Steve confirmed for many that this was the start of his dream run to glory. But the dream turned slowly into a nightmare, as a passage of uncharacteristically untidy play yielded three penalty shots to JJ.


Playing it slow and steady, JJ chose to take each shot from the safer 1 point penalty line, leaving the more risky 2 point line for those who like to play for higher stakes. As each shot sailed through, JJ not only got himself back in the game, but positioned himself for victory with a couple of follow-up goals on the Bricks, killing a giant 8 goals to 6.


Commentators praised JJ's gutsy and most unexpected victory, wondering if maybe this upset signalled the end for Steve?

ROUND 2
Game 1: Ahab v Cobbies (5th vs 6th)
Round 2 kicked off with a Battle of Brotherly Love that saw the siblings sizzling in a fight to avoid the wooden spoon. Ahab was battling for pride, and Cobbies just to show all that yoga hadn't been for nought. Locked at three goals each, a sudden scorcher from Ahab sent the metal-capped bottle hurtling into Cobbies' right kneecap. The raking right-footer went down, but was up again quickly, stoically declaring, "Who needs a right leg when you've still got a left?"


And moving to a place where he and the bottle were one, Cobbies slammed home a string of winners to take the game 7 goals to 4. Though even last place in the Birdbath World Cup is a stunning achievement, the brothers left with ambitions unfulfilled, each knowing they could have achieved so much more.

Game 2: Davet v JJ (1st Semi-Final)
As Round 2 moved on to Game 2, JJ Glamma's Cinderella Story continued. Many who'd seen him in the lead up to his first match — sitting on the sidelines reading the latest Harry Potter book — questioned how seriously he was taking the tournament. But however unorthodox a warm-up technique it may have been, the boy wizard was clearly having some kind of an effect, because JJ was out there on the Bricks working some magic of his own. Continuing to employ the defensive style that had brought him victory in Round 1, JJ punished any of his opponent's mistakes, as he travelled time and again to the 1 point penalty line and slowly, brick by brick, built Rome in a day.


Troubled at JJ's growing self-belief, Davet dug deep, doing all he could to stave off defeat, but in the end it was JJ who booked himself a ticket to the Birdbath World Cup Grand Final, inching Davet out, 8 goals to 6. It was another stunning victory to JJ, and the success of his 1 point strategy led the commentary team to dub him "JJ the Great One Pointer." Praise came also from his peers, with Cobbies declaring Glamma to be the "revelation of the tournament."

Game 3: Bart v Steve (2nd Semi-Final)
It was the Semi-Final many had expected to be the Grand Final. As the highest scoring loser of the first Round, Steve had scraped into Round 2 as the Lucky Loser, running headlong into the winner of Game 1: Bart. And with JJ Glamma having secured a berth in the actual Grand Final, you might have thought he'd be watching this clash of favourites very intently; analysing, sizing up, getting the measure of his likely hurdle to the Cup. But no; inscrutable as ever, he was back again with his nose buried in Harry Potter. If it ain't broke, I guess?

Well, the Bottle dropped and the arm wrestle began: first a thumping goal to Bart, then a needle-threader to Steve, and it looked like an epic struggle was in store.


But then, in one brief moment — the workings of which can perhaps be explained only by theologians — a golden shaft of sunlight glanced across the Bricks, pausing only to rest, ever so lightly, on the forehead of Steve, anointing his brow with its golden gleam before disappearing in the blink of an angel's eye. And whatever its significance may have been, its effect on Steve was like that of flame to fuel.


Exploding into action, Steve was suddenly working the bottle like a man with six legs, belting a trio of 2 pointers past Bart like he wasn't even there, and taking the game — possibly the quickest ever — 7 goals to 1. Any questions concerning Steve's form were crushed under a hail of plastic bottles and, falling over themselves in a scramble for superlatives, the commentary team dubbed him The Postman; for neither rain nor sleet nor driving rain nor Bart the Toberua Prancer shall halt the delivery of his goals.


Stunned and shaken, Bart shook his opponent's hand and scuttled back to the steps, where Rosie the dog tenderly licked his wounds.

ROUND 3
Grand Final: JJ Glamma v Steve
It was the re-match Steve had been desperate to play; desperate to show that his loss in the first Round had been only a blip and to restore balance to the Force.


But before the Question of the Day could be answered, the tournament combatants put aside their respective claims, coming together for an amiable amble to 7-Eleven and The Fish Balloon for a Feast of Champions. And if you're the sort who'd like to know what FNOccer Grand Finalists eat for lunch (perhaps so as to inform your own sporting diet), the answer can be found EXCLUSIVELY here. JJ tucked in to a minimum order of Fish Balloon chips (plenty of carbs), and a new blend of Slurpee that contained electrolytes! Where will they turn up next? Steve, on the other hand, wolfed down a Fish Balloon Hamburger with the Lot and a small (glass) bottle of Pepsi Max. Would Steve's 'One with the Lot' sit like a lead weight in his guts and slow him down on the Bricks? And would JJ's electrolyte-laden Slurpee do for him... whatever the hell it is electrolytes are supposed to do for you? Well, let's end this increasingly prolix post by jumping in and finding out. Game on!


Steve won 7/3.

Below Left: Postman Steve, Keeper of the FNOath.
Below Right: The Birdbath Cup.


See you next year!