Highly Recommended.

Given the obvious retort, the longevity of this image in bus shelters across Melbourne continues to surprise me.


Well, if it was that uncrowded, I'd prefer public transport, too.

You'd think in the current climate of seething commuter frustration over chronic overcrowding, Metlink would take an ad like this down out of embarrassment. But no, they leave it up and, like an armpit in peak hour, they rub our faces in it. They even put up a billboard to make sure we got the message.


I mean, how can anyone take this ad seriously? How could those who approved the image have seen it and not thought, "Wow, we're kind of leaving ourselves wide open with this one, hey? Um, what else have you got?"

Something a little more reflective of reality may not excite the Metlink marketing department, but at least it gives potential commuters a better idea of what to expect, wouldn't you say?


And their next attempt on the theme wasn't much better. "How can we make public transport more appealing?"


"Well, we could tell people it's like travelling beneath a giant shark!" What?

And then along came a whimsical little campaign where some folksy fellow (who bore a striking resemblance to the delightful Frank Woodley), highly recommends I get on the bus.


Just weird.

First of all, who is this man and why should I listen to his opinion on buses? What does he know about them that I don't? More importantly, what does he know about me and my particular transport needs? Nothing! The arrogance of him to suggest I need to do anything.

Secondly, why is he highly recommending the bus but not other forms of public transport? Are buses now fully fitted out with Human Touch massage chairs perhaps? Because I'd go out of my way to catch a bus with Human Touch massage chairs on board. Is that what he means? Who knows. He doesn't expand. He just waves and tells me again to get on the bus.

But most importantly, what's with the wording? I highly recommend you get on the bus? Is it just me, or does that sound like a threat? Thinly veiled and menacing, delivered through gritted teeth, like you wouldn't want to find out what'll happen if you don't get on the bus. Don't make the man with the acoustic guitar mad. You wouldn't like him if he was mad. "Nice little car you've got here. Be a shame if something… happened to it, you know? If it had a little… accident, you know? I highly recommend you get on the bus." Shudder.

And would it be unkind of me to ask if you're highly recommending the bus to people with myki cards? Yes, it would be unkind. I know your campaign pre-dates the "launch" of myki. That was a cheap shot. I apologise.

Then a few months later it was revealed the man didn't just look like Frank Woodley, it was Frank Woodley!


Well, ok; now I know who you are, but I'm still not sure why you're qualified to offer an opinion on the merits of travelling by bus. In fact, if your regular job is telling jokes, how do I know I'm now supposed to be taking you seriously and not waiting for a punchline? How do I know you've even ever travelled on a bus and aren't just being paid to smile and play a quaint little jingle for us?

Because I'll tell you what I do know: when I used to catch the bus, I found them to be highly unreliable. I spent more time than you'd believe standing at a stop, staring off to the horizon, waiting for a bus that never turned up. It happened so often that eventually a friend highly recommended I get a bike. Which I did, and my journey to and from work has been the better for it ever since.

I don't know. Public transport just doesn't seem like it should be so hard to advertise. We lurch from one lame campaign to another, and even when they get it right, they still manage to get it wrong. Not even bringing Harry Connick, Jr. on board worked. In fact that campaign was arguably the greatest train wreck of the lot. Shudder.

Here, I've got a recommendation of my own. You know what I love about public transport? I love getting to read my book. Or watch TV on my iPhone. I love getting to stare out the window and daydream – or close my eyes and doze – without the fear of crashing into anything. I love not having to buy petrol or pay for parking. I love not having to worry about what speed I'm doing or whether I can make that orange light before it turns red. I mean, there's your campaign right there, Metlink. Focussing on the benefits rather than trying to be too clever is highly recommend, and I think you'll find your customers will prefer it.

UPDATE
I've since learned that the shark pictured above is a whale shark; a breed often used by shark aficionados to counter the popular misconception that all sharks are ferocious man-eaters. Don't think you're safe in you're plankton though, because the whale shark murders them by the boatload. So, it's not the deadly killing-machine I'd been counting on to support my argument, but I still say using any shark to sell PT is an odd choice. In advertising instinctive responses are important, and my first response was SHAAAAAARK! I only learned it was a loveable whale shark by asking friends, and then of its preference for plankton over warm human flesh only by extended reading on the Internet. By contrast, 0.125 seconds after seeing the poster I'd decided that if that's what public transport is like, I'll see you tomorrow from behind the wheel of my car. Shark.

UPDATE 2
Incidentally, did you note the freelance editorial update to the Metlink billboard above? Some activist has clambered up there with a spray can and crossed out 'public transport' so the message reads, 'Nature prefers a nuclear free future. Habitit.' How odd. I mean, if you're going to vandalise a billboard advertising public transport, shouldn't it be to make some kind of comment on public transport? Has Metlink started using nuclear powered trains? No? Well why are you attacking their environmental message to promote your own? A little selfish, isn't it? It's great that you care about the environment, but so does Metlink. They're on your side, friend. Or were, until you climbed up and ruined their ad.

UPDATE 3
Got off at Flinders St Station today noticed this little poster.


Good point, Metro! You've convinced me. That wasn't so hard now, was it? Not sure why you're putting it up at a train station though? Preaching to the converted, aren't you? I mean, everyone reading your good sense is already going on, taking the train, right? Surely you'd be better off getting your message out somewhere like, oh, I don't know, somewhere there are people in cars reading road maps? Just a thought.

Molly on Ice.

Interesting juxtaposition on the platforms at Southern Cross Station.


State of Origin destroys lives. No, wait, Don't let Molly go to your head. No, hang on, that's not it. Glory, I'm as confused as Molly normally is.

Thanks to "Human" Shield for the photo.

UPDATE
Seems like Molly's kicked the ice — good for him — but now he's threatening some of Australia's exceptional women. Raaargh! Come on, Molly; sort yourself out.

Telling Whoppers.

I WAS DRIVING ... PAST HUNGRY JACK'S.

I FELT MY HUNGER ... BURN WITHIN.

I PULLED INTO ... THE DRIVE-THROUGH,

AND ORDERED ARGUABLY THE MOST RIDICULOUS MOVIE TIE-IN PRODUCT ...

EVER!

THE ...

DARK WHOPPER!



The burgers might be better, but the advertising's rubbish! Glory, what were they thinking? When it played before The Dark Knight most of the cinema burst out laughing. That can't be a good sign.

But I guess they're laughing now, aren't they? Because I bought one. I guess I just couldn't help myself. I just had to know. Was the burger made from human flesh, perhaps? Or worse, lamb's fry? Was it somehow, slightly, even remotely, in any way, even conceptually, dark?

No.

Course not! Stupid. It was just a bog-standard hamburger with no discernible difference to any other I've eaten before! I had to go and look up what the differences were and discovered, get this, that it had barbeque sauce instead of ketchup, and no ... PICKLES! Oh, the humanity! Oh, the dark depths of my wicked, inky soul! NO PICKLES! Personally I love pickles, but I understand I'm in a micro-minority. Wouldn't it have been more iniquitous to have packed it with nothing but pickles?! Or is that TOO DARK?! Step back from the abyss, young one. Man was not meant to travel that far!

Dark Whopper.

Hmpprrppp.

The Apple-a-Day Massacre.

Tragedy on the streets of Melbourne today as another iPod-using hipster was gunned down in a tram shelter on Elizabeth Street. By some freak of providential timing, I happened to be right across the street with my camera, and managed to capture the exact moment of death on film. Or on CCD, rather.


With work already underway adapting Robert Capa's famous photograph for a new iPod ad campaign, Apple contacted me hoping to honour this second young hipster's choice of digital audio player by incorporating his image into their poster as well. I felt a little uncomfortable about handing the image over, but they drove a truckload of iPods up to my house and I'm not made of stone.


I still don't get how this is meant to sell iPods, but the marketing dude I spoke to seemed pretty sure they were onto another "epoch-defining, gold-class winner." I guess we'll see.

Neither victim has so far been identified.

Apple a day.

When it comes to product placement, Apple are doing very well for themselves. Back in the old days they had to actually work to get their products into other people’s ads, films and TV shows, but these days they’ve pushed that little lever that lets you swing your ergonomic chair back and they’ve got their feet up on the desk. In fact, they’ve already gone home and are having a snooze by the fire in the Jason Recliner.

Because thanks largely (but not entirely) to the success of the iPod (which after all grew from a philosophy that informs all that Apple creates… except the one-button mouse, which is form giving function the finger, although thankfully Apple have seen the Might there. Oh, and the iPod’s symmetrically-shaped headphone cable sucks as well, but maybe that’s a good thing because it meant I switched back to using my old asymmetrical neck-chain Sony ones which, thanks to their being not-white, have probably saved me from being mugged every second day, and then copping a second thumping when the mugger discovers the fruit of their labour is merely a miserable third-generation iPod! How are they supposed to watch Pirates of the Caribbean on that?

But where was I? Oh yes, thanks largely to Apple being so hot right now, every man jack and his advertiser are desperate to get Apple products into their ads in the hope of picking up a little reflected glory.

Which is all well and good, but sometimes, as with this ad for New Zealand tourism, the quest for glory starts to look a little desperate and pathetic.


Note the iPod taking pride of place, but also note absolutely no reference to Apple or iPods anywhere else. Sure, they mention you can apparently organise trips to New Zealand ONLINE (Um, newsflash!), but the link from there to iPod is tenuous at best.

Less pathetic, but just as misleading, is this ad from Optus.


Optus, you’ll see, are quite happy to use Apple hardware to promote their product (once they’ve photoshopped off the Apple logo, of course), but if you’re a Mac user who signs up and calls their technical support, you’ll be told that Optus don’t support the Mac and to tell your story walkin’.

And no, it’s not an Apple Display plugged into a PC, because that’s an OS X scroll bar they’ve decided to paste in there for some unfathomable reason. And curiously, the scroll bar is showing there’s more to the page than we can see, which begs the question, “What will be revealed if you scroll back up?” Some sneaky small-print nastiness would be my guess. Possibly the bit where they let you know they don’t support Macs. :)

Just plain bizarre is this ad…


…for an Apple MacBoo… oh wait, I’m sorry, it’s not a MacBook Pro, it’s a… Twinhead or something laptop? I got confused because that’s Apple’s ‘Aqua Blue’ default desktop wallpaper you can see there on the laptop’s display. Trying to make your product look like something it isn’t is not a great way to project confidence. It’s like a Daewoo dealer sticking VW badges on his cars, hoping that no-one will notice. And I find it funny how they ask, “Why Settle For Less?” while making the brightest point of the ad a recognisable image from a competing operating system this machine can’t even run. (Unlike a MacBook which can do everything the Twinhead can do, and more.)

But where you could explain the Twinhead incongruence away as being some PC guy who liked the wallpaper and just downloaded it, I’d love to know the explanation for this double-take from The Sopranos:


Here’s an establishing shot of Janice Soprano tapping away evilly on her Apple PowerBook G3. But when we cut to her point of view, what do we see?


Windows?! What?! Even back in 2002 she could've easily used OS X and a multi-protocol IM client for her trickery, but she went instead for a Windows emulator? She really is insane!

Number one with a bullet.

Seems like getting mugged isn't the only risk facing iPod users out there on the streets today. There's also a chance you'll get shot!


That's assuming I'm reading this current iPod image correctly, of course? To my eye, the young hipster above would look right at home taking a bullet on the bloody battlefields of the Spanish Civil war.


Apple have been known to appropriate iconic images to advertise their wares, so maybe this is an intentional reference to Robert Capa’s renowned image? Can't for the life of me think why though. Maybe it's a start of a new campaign? Do you think Capa would have used an iPod?

Or maybe this is just what the kids call "dancing" these days, hey? :)

UPDATE: Bomber, I think you could be on to something (see Comments)! I just stumbled across the image below and your prediction was very close. It's a whole new round of iconic image appropriation to sell stuff! More iPods! Wooo!

Fly Byes.

A deadweight has been cut loose from around my neck and I’ve been set free; set free to fly.


I have been accruing wretched, bloody Fly Buys points since… glory, how long has it been? Well, since soon after the scheme’s inception in 1994, so 10 years, at least. Right from the start, a friend of mine who worked in Marketing at BP called Fly Buys, “the worst customer loyalty scheme in history.” As Fly Buys was linked to Shell, not BP, however, I assumed his was just a case of sour grapefruits, and kept on collecting those points anyway. I mean, I had to buy petrol, I had to buy groceries; why not get a little something extra for doing the things I had to do anyway?

The problem, of course, is that it takes more than the odd purchase of petrol and assorted food stuffs to collect enough points for even the smallest of shiny trinkets. It takes strategic purchasing and lifestyle alteration to get anywhere close, and with no credit card, no home loan, and no dupes to farm additional cards out to, I was left paddlin’ around in the shallows.

But I plugged away with my groceries, my petrol, and occasional BONUS! points from a triple-pack of chewing gum or whatever, only to discover several years into the scheme that Fly Buys points have a shelf life! Don’t cash them in within three years and, like your dreams for that ‘Kambrook Pancake Factory + Omlette Maker’, they disappear in a puff of smoke. You don’t just need to work hard, you need to work fast! I was trapped on a treadmill of insanity, frantically grabbing for new points while old ones flew out behind like a ticker-tape parade down Main Street.

I should have jumped there and then, but it was like being on hold for 20 minutes: If I’d known it was going to take this long, I wouldn’t have bothered, but now that I have, I can’t give up, because then it REALLY will have been for nothing. And if I’ve been at it this long, surely the end will come any second now… any second… five, four, three, two, one… and a half, one… damn it! Too late I realised my friend had been right all along, and every time I used my card I felt him and his beloved BP Bookmuncher floating just over my shoulder, shaking their heads in disappointment.

And then, out of the blue, Fly Buys sent me a second card that someone else could use, but that would be linked to my account. With duplicitous words and promises of untold riches I convinced Kate to join me, hoping that together we could knock this one over the fence. And we did actually manage to make some small headway, and so set ourselves the goal of gathering the 12,000 points required for a dozen bottles of wine, before getting out the scissors and calling it a day.

Fast-forward several lifetimes, and at last that great day arrived. The day we held in our trembling hands a Fly Buys statement with enough points for the Wyndham Estate Mixed Dozen! We simply could not believe this journey was about to end. And, of course, it wasn’t. The statement had arrived on the last day of the month, and 300 precious points were primed to be blasted into oblivion when the new month began. A loss that would take us just under the required number of points. “Quickly! Find the phone,” I bellowed. “Let’s cash these first-born in while there’s still time!” Which, of course, there wasn’t. It was now outside business hours, and the head-smashingly perky Fly Buys robot told me to call back tomorrow when the team would be delighted to assist me with my enquiry. “To the Internet!” I screamed. “There are no business hours on the Internet!” Which, of course, there are. And after logging in I discovered that not only had they shut down for the day, they’d also already stripped me of my 300 points although the current month had several hours to live! It seemed as though the excruciating journey would go on.

But then Bomber – who had recently brought his own drawn out Fly Buys saga to a 12 bottle conclusion – swept down like an angel of mercy and bestowed his wisdom upon me. While my 11,992 points was not enough for the Wyndham dozen, it was more than enough for the Cleanskin Dozen. “Cash ‘em in, and be done with it,” he ordered me, and I did. Twelve labels are not worth the grief.

And so, a new dawn. Yesterday, I filled up the car at whatever service station I happened to be driving past, handed over some cash, and walked the hell away. It was great. On my way home I also popped into whatever supermarket was convenient, which just so happened to be Coles. At the register, the checkout executive asked me if I had Fly Buys? “Certainly don’t,” I replied with a smile. “I’ve just set myself free from Fly Buys and ditched my card into the bin. It’s wonderful.” With an expression as bored as a plank of wood, she held my gaze for a second, before wordlessly turning back to her register to complete my transaction.

Oh well, I never expected everyone to share my excitement.

Please Kelloggs, I want some more.

Speaking of the need for this blog to tackle the Big issues, have you seen the ‘serving suggestion’ on a box of Special K? I have. (For some reason).


Thirteen flakes (give or take) and a thimble-full of milk! And you'll like it! No whinging. I don’t know if a spoon’s worth of Special K for breakfast will “keep you looking and feeling good”, but it’ll certainly keep you skinny.

Credit where credits are due.

(Here be Six Feet Under spoilers.)

I cannot count the times I sat exhausted, reeling in response to another high-intensity episode of the brilliant Six Feet Under, when Pete "Copperart" Smith (Network 9’s ubiquitous voiceover man), would bust in, trample the closing theme and vomit all over me with his pointless promo for some upcoming piece of nothing.

I know they need to advertise, but it always seemed so inappropriate, especially with a show like SFU. Instead of being a quiet moment of music and introspection that allowed you to disengage and start to process, it became a desperate scramble for the remote so you could hit Mute before Pete would hove into view and kill the moment.

One of the best things about watching SFU via… other means than network TV, besides being able to set your own agenda, was the freedom from Pete and his inane blather. So it was with great pleasure (although great sympathy as well) that I read the following letter in this week’s Green Guide.

If I hadn’t heard it I wouldn’t have believed it. Seven seconds into the closing credits of Monday night’s Six Feet Under, just after Nate had died, a Channel Nine voice-over said “We hope you enjoyed Six Feet Under. Tonight 10:30, we’ll have you laughing with brand new Comedy Inc, the series where no-one is safe and nothing is sacred, taking aim at the living and the dead.” Unbelievable.
Chris Page, East Malvern.

Sadly, Chris; it’s not unbelievable at all. Seems like a fitting epitaph for Six Feet’s run on network TV.

Spooked.

(Here be Spooks spoilers). Allow me to set the scene.

London. Present day. MI5 are attempting to infiltrate a mosque where they believe acts of terrorism are being planned. They are eventually able to get an agent inside, who informs them that a young boy is being prepared to martyr himself. When the day of action arrives, the boy is readied in a warehouse before heading to the strike zone. MI5 learns of the boy’s location and agents race to stop him. The boy flees the warehouse and into the busy playground of a neighbouring kindergarten where he prepares to detonate his explosives.


In the nick of a time, an agent disturbs him and the boy flees through a fence to an empty basketball court where he is surrounded. Two agents approach and attempt to talk him down.


But negotiations fail, and he triggers his vest.


As body parts and other debris fly through the air, a blue banner zips suddenly onto screen!


As agents rush desperately towards their fallen friends, we’re delightfully informed that ‘3 Non-Blondes’ is up next!



Well, wacky do. I’ll be sure to stay tuned. Thanks for letting me know. I thought the Mother of All Watermarks was irritating, but this takes things to a whole new level. Spooks is often intense, and as the events of this episode reach their tragic climax - a split second after a young boy has killed himself and murdered an innocent man - the network saunters in and urinates over everyone. Way to go. Good work everyone.

Young Demons.

I walked past this poster for Australian Idol’s so-called ‘Young Divas’ today, and I double-took so hard I nearly walked into a phone booth.


A touch more 'demon' than 'diva', I think. If your stomach can handle it, click on the link and have a closer look. Is their manager the Joker? He turned beautiful women into foul-faced freaks in the first (proper) Batman movie. Maybe he's at it again? It took me a second to realise what must have occurred to transform these wondrous beauties into the hideous, demented, gargoylish, toxic monstrosities that they appeared as now. I know that poster-pasting people work to a tightly-packed schedule and that when you rush mistakes can happen, but I wonder if there was any mischievous intent to this apparent mistake? If not quite, “Hey, I’ve got an idea,” then maybe, “Ah bugger, look what I’ve done! Should I fix it…? Nah. Hehe.” So good. I couldn't have done a better job in Photoshop. :-)

Le Chef Domestic (tm).

Allow me to introduce the ‘Homemaker Professional’ series of knives. Domesticity is dead, and a new standard of cutting-edge excellence awaits the truly discerning homemaker.


I can’t decide if finding this combo incongruous makes me a patriarchal oppressor who's determined to deny the role of ‘homemaker’ the proper respect and recognition it deserves, or whether Homemaker are just tacking on the word ‘Professional’ in a desperate attempt to make their product seem more impressive than it actually is? I just can't decide. It’s not as ridiculous as China claiming to be the home of freedom, but it strikes me as a bit of a toss nonetheless.

Big bother over nothing.

OMG OMG AWESOME AWESOME 2NITE IS THE NITE I LITERALLY CANNOT WAIT 2 FIND OUT WHAT BIG BROTHERS “WORLD-FIRST” THAT THEY HAVE PROMISED WILL SHOCK ME IS GOING TO BE IM SO EXCITED I JUST CANT HIDE IT I CANT WAIT I CANT WAIT MY HEAD IS LITERALLY ABOUT TO EXPLODE!!!

Or not. No-one loves their hyperbole more than Channel 10, but they’ve failed to deliver so, so, so many times that their ads now provoke nothing within me but apathy and exhaustion. Wonder too, I guess; wonder at how they can continually get so excited over nothing, and find the enthusiasm and inspiration to talk up a vacuum.

It’s like how they love to promote Australian telemovies as being WORLD EXCLUSIVES. Yeah, because the US TV networks were just banging down Channel 10’s door, desperate to get first-run rights for the latest Aussie telemovie. Talkin’ loud, sayin’ nothing. It’s pretentious and it’s pathetic. I think I’d be more likely to watch if they just said, “Hey this new telemovie’s pretty good. Worth checking out. Maybe give it a look?” Not working, Channel 10, not working.

“But ah-ha,” you cry, “clearly their advertising IS working because you noticed it and now you’re talking about it!” Yes I noticed it; I also notice dog poo on the footpath, and I am talking about it, but not in a positive way (and to, what? an audience of five people?) And talking isn’t the same as watching.

I cannot conceive of any possible WORLD-FIRST revelation that would convince me to watch the new Big Brother, short of Gretel being stuck in front of a brick wall and shot… now that’d be a world-first, and it’d certainly be a shock… oh Channel 10, don’t tell me? Don’t tell me you’re finally going to deliver on your bluster? Hey, even better, what about if they raised the furiously-spinning George Orwell from the dead and he got to pull the trigger himself? Ratings gold!

You know, I don’t think they will. The 'shock' will come, the 'shock' will go, everyone’ll shrug their shoulders, say, “meh, whatever,” and life will trundle on as before.

Microsoft iPod.

If you haven’t seen the Microsoft iPod packaging video you should definitely check it out. The update is that it's now been revealed that the video was made by none other than Microsoft itself! You can read the story at the iPod Observer. Hilarious.

National banks on small change.

Have you seen the National Australia Bank’s new look?


No longer ‘National’, they’re now just ‘nab’. I’ve never actually heard anyone call the bank ‘nab’, but I’m told this change reflects common usage among National, sorry, nab employees and customers. I guess I don’t talk to enough people about banking.

I find it bewildering that a bank would choose to identify themselves with a word meaning, ‘to take or grab suddenly’ and ‘to catch and arrest a criminal’. I mean, their candour is refreshing, but none the less surprising. Even more surprising when you consider this quote from an article in The Age:

“The bank's rebranding has been characterised by marketing experts and banking analysts as an attempt to assert a new identity after it discovered rogue traders on its foreign exchange desk had lost $360 million through shonky accounting.”

Let’s refocus, people. Let’s leave the past in the past. Let’s put a new face on things and boldly move forward towards a prosperous future, and let’s do it under a name that means to take, to grab, and to arrest a criminal.

That really is a bold move! I don’t know. Maybe people won’t be affected by any alternate meanings, maybe I’ll be the only person who double-takes at ‘nab’, maybe the National will be revitalized and business will boom, and if so, well, good luck to them. Many happy banking returns.

Waterlogged.

Australians all, let us rejoice, for we are relatively watermark free. If you think our TV station watermarks are irritating, try watching the UK's 'Sky One' sometime. How’s this for distracting?



I’m finding that I just filter watermarks out nowadays. Like banner ads on websites, I rarely notice them, and (unlike banner ads), they’re actually quite handy when you’re trying to tune a VCR manually, which, you know, I do all the time…

Then I started watching Battlestar Galactica and discovered the Mother of all Watermarks. No matter how dramatic or intense a scene, few things drag you back to reality faster the Sky One (did we mention this is an EXCLUSIVE) logo buzzing around a character's face like some oversize mosquito. Poor old Apollo looks like he's got a band-aid across his nose, and Adama looks like he could be a hologram! At least the DVDs are clean, so we can always take refuge there, but I wonder if it’s just a matter of time before studio watermarks start appearing there as well?

I’ll never complain about Australian network television again. He, he. As if.