And for a small band of boys from Templestowe — an outer north-eastern suburb of Melbourne, famed for its superabundance of hairdressers, tennis courts and dishwashers — this was never more true than when it came to Slurpees.
For them, a Slurpee wasn't merely a many-flavoured ice confection, but rather a gateway to understanding their limitations and uncovering their potential. For while we know that anyone can finish a Slurpee, do we know the fastest time in which it can be done? And if we do, do we know if it's possible to do it even faster...
And lo, the Super Slurpee Demolition Competition was born.
On the first summer scorcher the boys would gather and tread the well-worn path to the Templestowe 7-Eleven. Supersized cups were filled and given time to settle as the group made its way back to the Primary. Once there, straws were drawn across the top of each cup to ensure all were evenly filled, and when all was ready and the competitors stood waiting — steely gaze meeting steely gaze — the word was given, and the Demolition began!
The only rule in a Demolition Competition is to get that bucket of ice down your gullet and into your guts in the shortest time possible. And as such it doesn't take long to hit the first hurdle: sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia, or, in layman's terms, that icy kick to the head known as a Brain Freeze. But as you stand there trembling, eyes squeezed shut, palm of your hand jammed against your forehead, all you can do is grit your brain and push on. For not only is there no other way to the prize, but if you can't withstand a Brain Freeze, you've got no hope of surviving its big brother: the Ice Chest.
Yes, a Brain Freeze is but a mere chilly tickle when compared to the Ice Chest. As sheet upon sheet of ice avalanches through your alimentary canal, you slowly grow aware of frosty fingers running across your ribs, and then the sudden grip of an icy hand constricting your chest, squeezing ever tighter, as your heart goes into spasms desperately trying to keep the blood moving... your body cries out to stop, but like Aussie superhero Kieren Perkins at the 1400m mark, you know you've just got. to. keep. going... onwards and upwards to be all that you can be... [overdub roar of cheering crowd rising to fever pitch / gradual fade to silence / throw in a reverb, maybe?]
The first Super Slurpee Demolition Competition was held in 1993, and saw Bart crowned Master of Demolitions after a narrow win in 6 minutes 35 seconds. The following year Bart won for a second time, shaving 30 seconds of his previous time to win in 6 minutes 5 seconds. A benchmark appeared to have been established, but then in 1995 the world of Slurpee Demolitions was suddenly poured flat when Steve, shovelling ice like a snowplow, demolished his Super Slurpee in a stunning 4 minutes 37 seconds!
It was an extraordinary achievement, but his victory was not without cost. You don't just close the door on an Ice Chest and walk away, and for a full five days afterwards Steve continued to feel the painful effects of his ordeal. I'm no doctor, but that can't be good. And in response, searching questions were asked by all involved: is there knowledge that lies beyond 4:37, and if there is, is it knowledge worth obtaining? Is the possible cost simply too high?
The answer, inevitably, was that it was. And so, like the 'Flying Wedge formation' of American Football — banned from play in 1905 when President Roosevelt intervened after a string of tragic deaths — the Super Slurpee Demolition Competition was abandoned; put up on the shelf and left to stand as a tribute to a more reckless age. Amen.
FURTHER READING:
A Concise History of All Things FNO
A Concise History of The Annual Christmas Stolp
A Concise History of The Annual Christmas Slurpee Toss
A Very Concise History of the Milk Run
Posts
HA! Habby looks like a Triathlete!
ReplyDeleteWhats with the old posts... where is the most recent toss post?
ReplyDeleteIt's good that you can draw positives from someone wearing those shorts, Bomber. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat do you mean old? This isn't a Toss post. The 2007 Toss is coming; I just needed to get the Demolition history posted first.