The Annual Christmas Slurpee Toss 2008.

When Senator Barack Obama choose to campaign for President under the banner of CHANGE, he could not have known the extent to which his vision would be fulfilled. Far more than just a slogan, Obama tapped into a current that was sweeping the globe. From the marbled halls of power to the humblest hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, a force was rolling, kickin' down doors and blasting through homes like some kind of cosmic spring-clean.

CHANGE. Change was on the move!

Even in Templestowe, an outer eastern suburb of Melbourne, famed for its blend of city and country lifestyles, people were stopping in the streets, cocking their heads with quizzical expressions, as though catching a scent in the air or hearing a faint voice calling their names. Perhaps not recognising it consciously, but deep down, on some level, these people knew something was coming.

CHANGE. Change was coming!

It seemed a day like any other as seven tossers turned up to the former site of Templestowe Primary School (No. 1395), ready to hurl buckets of ice through the ether and into Glory.

As first among losers in 2007, Davet had earned the right to the penultimate toss, but boldly waving this aside he stepped out onto the pitch and fixed the horizon with a steely glare.


Could he go one better than Jack to claim Bart's crown of King? Or would he instead forget to let go of his cup, over-rotating and slamming it onto the ground where it would spin off several metres behind him? Sadly for Davet it was door #2, which saw him suffer the greatest reversal of fortune in tossing history, falling from Jack one year to Holder of the Plastic Straw the next. Not even Ahab (2004) or Alethea (2007) in their wildest fits of unconess had considered so disastrous a result.

Once the spectators had stopped laughing and settled down, Agent Cobbies got down to business.


Every day is Auction Day for Cobbies, and he was determined to get a result. Dancing down the pitch in his snappy leather loafers, he launched his cup into the air. Angling off to the left but flying true, it thumped down on the far side of the top court, establishing a challenging mark for those to follow.

If Ahab was troubled by his history of misfortune at the Toss, he wasn’t letting it show. Smiling as he walked around pre-toss, he appeared entirely relaxed and confident.


Even when Bart employed his familiar tactic of inspiring overconfidence through unexpected praise, Ahab refused to be rattled and just let him talk to the wind. A slightly stilted run-up led nevertheless to a beautiful toss that drew cries of praise from the assembled crowd. Smacking down just shy of the far gutter, Ahab landed himself clear in front of Cobbies, and in strong contention for the Jack!

After a disappointing debut in 2007, JJ Glamma was back for another toss.


As he lined up for his run, he declared with a wry smile that he'd be happy enough to just beat Davet. Which, as it turns out, was lucky because his toss was so disastrous it failed to reach even the top court’s fence, mere metres away. Critics were quick to find fault with his unconventional "drinking grip," saying it was more suited to lifting a cup to one's mouth than hefting it into the air. But they were also quick to commend Glamma’s willingness to take risks and toss down a path never tossed before. And while his cup may not have travelled far, unlike Davet’s it did at least travel forward and so, true to his word, he retired happy.

Absent from tossing competition for the last two years, former Toss King Benn (2004) was back and keen to make up for lost time.


Striking like a cobra, he flew down the pitch and launched his cup into the air. Despite the uncommon choice of a Medium cup for tossing, his shot thumped down a mere length behind Ahab’s. But Benn knew his choice of cup had cost him, turning away with a shake off his head, saying, “Just no weight…” Important lesson there for young tossers.

Next to the line was perennial toss disappointment, Steve.


As both Keeper of the FNOath and Perpetual Master of Demolitions, Steve had long coveted the title of Toss King and a clean-sweep of all three Templetitles. But each year Bart’s dominance left him frustrated, and the luckless veteran was stuck playing Chick Hicks to Bart's Mr. The King. A new year pours new hope, however, and Steve was hoping this year would be the one. The crowd fell into an expectant hush as he gathered himself, sensing perhaps that something extraordinary was about to happen. And they weren’t wrong. The air crackled as the Postman thundered down the pitch, but as his arm reached the apex of its mighty revolution, his cup slipped from his grip and shot straight up into the air! Slamming down ahead of Glamma’s but still on the wrong side of the fence, disaster had struck for the third time in a year! Involuntary cup release, more commonly known as ‘slip-grip’, is an inherent risk when tossing plastic cups, as condensation can make their smooth sides slippery indeed, offering not even the minimal grip afforded by the waxed-cardboard surface of the traditional cup. Usually considered a trap for young players, Steve's misfortune showed you ignore the basics at your peril.

And so, with everyone spent but Bart, all that remained to be determined was by how much he'd win. Would he land his cup on the lower court again, or would he smash his own book of records and cross that one too?


Counting down from five, Bart blasted forward and launched his cup into space. But a cry went up as mere seconds into flight it started to descend! Ah, Houston, we have a problem! Trailing a stream of ice, Bart's cup came crashing down to Earth all too soon, failing to clear not only the top court, but... Three. Other. Cups. as well!!

CHANGE. Change was here!


Above left: Ahab, 2008 Slurpee Toss King. Above right: Bart's non-threatening congratulatory handshake.

Gallant and good-humored in defeat, Bart turned to the stands, spread his arms and acknowledged, "I've been done." Perhaps, like Samson, Bart’s recent hair-cropping had deprived him of his strength when he needed it most? Who could say? And for the time being, who cared? What an extraordinary year! A new, first-time Toss King, Bart defeated for the first time in competition and not just deprived of the title through absence, and three competitors unable to toss their way out of a pot! Just extraordinary.

Ahab refused to be drawn on whether he’d be able to go Back-to-Back, but the 2009 Toss is shaping to be an absolute balls-out BLOCKBUSTER! See you there!

The Final Results (official): 1. Ahab (Toss King); 2. Benn (The Jack); 3. Cobbies; 4. Bart; 5. Steve; 6. JJ Glamma; 7. Davet (Holder of the Plastic Straw).

ADDENDUM
In the lead-up to the 2008 Festival of Slurping, Bomber affirmed his commitment to the Stolp and posed an interesting question regarding the Toss.

"I will however drag my sorry arse to the local Sev to truly explore what a Malaysian Slurpee tastes like. Does it have the same texture even? I have found many thing over here appears to be the same as at home, but they are not.

I will then proceed to throw that cup with as much slurpee as i choose not to drink southeast bound which will no doubt land about 10 feet behind 'The Champ's'. The next step is a massive question. As the Stolp field is the stolp field, and the chuck line is the chuck line... Will my throw of approx 6360 km still lose if it falls 10 feet short of the Champ's?”

JJ Glamma stepped in helpfully to reply.

"Something else to keep in mind is that the toss line is a North/South line extending North and South from Templestowe Primary (-37.757755,145.128601).

At the latitude of Kuala Lumpur (3.16177, 101.707993) the line passes through the Pacific Ocean north of New Guinea. At this point it is only 4,820km East of KL.

However.

The contestants in the toss stand on the Eastern side of the line and throw west. So Bomber is not 4,820km behind the line — he is 4,820km in front of it.

Fortunately, the Earth is round, so that by turning around and facing West, he will find himself behind the line once again. 35,193km behind it, to be exact.

However, since lines of longitude get closer together the further away from the equator we get, his best toss strategy will be to throw almost directly North, with just a hint of west.

I am not familiar with the rulings that apply here — is the winner judged by metres west of the line, or degrees of longitude west of the line? It matters little when all tossers are at the same latitude, but could be critical here.

In any event, however that question is answered, the target point for Bomber will be within 100m of the North Pole. Which means he must throw a distance of 9,656km.

Any questions?"

There were none, and as no cup came slamming down from the stratosphere on Toss day, there was no need to question the final result either.

Too much Slurpee blogging barely enough?
Keep on Stolping: The First Pour–2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007.
Keep on Tossing: Dawn of Time–2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007.
Keep on Demolishing: The Alpha and the Omega.