"In this world nothing can be said to be certain,When Benjamin Franklin compiled his little list of life's certainties, there was one glaring omission:
except death and taxes."
Bart.
Born as Bart was some 186 years after the fact, this is to a large extent understandable, and his inclusion would not only have robbed the proverb of its universality, but likely caused considerable confusion amongst Franklin's contemporaries. "Who is this Bart?" they might have been heard to ask one another over a pint of McTavish down the local tavern, "And what exactly is it about him that's so certain?" Well, let's cut to the chase and confirm what they might not have known but what we certainly did: Bart won again and remains the undefeated Toss King and Holder of the Soggy Biscuit.
Was there ever any doubt? Well, if you can believe a recently uncovered piece of pre-Toss correspondence to fellow tosser Post, Bart would like you to think there was:
"You've definitely been closing the gap in the slurpee toss - and I believe your technique is improving. I certainly have history on my side but you are a growing force in these events...plus you have dad strength. I'd have us as even priced favourites."But of course you only need scratch the surface of this uncharacteristic magnanimity to discover the ruse that lies beneath. Bart, as adept at games of the mind as games of the muscle, knows that his unexpected flattery will inspire overconfidence and come Toss Time his deluded and ill-prepared opponents will be easily swept aside with a flick of his judgmental arm.
You wonder why he bothers. The only time he failed to win the title was 2004 when he was in another country. And while the prancing champion would no doubt have struggled to overcome a handicap that saw him 15,395kms behind the tossing line, you write Bart off at your peril.
And it's exactly this lack of tension that has in recent years seen the real interest shift to what the Anderson St Press has dubbed The Toss for First Loser, which they describe as "a fiercely fought battle of peers with an outcome as uncertain as the other is sure." And in recognition of this secondary struggle, now, in 2007, a new title has been established and enthroned in the Royal Pantheon of Slurpee Tossing:
The Jack!
Yes, the Jack may not be the King, but it's still Toss Royalty, and for the crumb-grabbers under the King's table, it's the only hope they've got. So let's get Tossing!
An unprecedented nine tossers turned up to hurl frozen sugary ice across one or possibly two netball courts, and the chill in the air was palpable.
First to the line was Ahab who stepped up with a mad gleam in his eyes and tossed a thumper onto the far side of the court, landing just shy of the gutter and setting a high mark for those to follow.
After a promising debut in last year's Toss, Bomber turned up ready to deliver a performance that at the end of the day would be a credit to the boys. And with a sweep of his arm he sailed his plastic cup into the air, but it failed to cross the court and crashed down several metres short of Ahab's.
Decked out in his Auction Day Best, Agent Cobbies brought a touch of class to this year's Toss, but must have left his brute force in his jeans at home because his toss — though smooth and graceful — arced down onto the court a metre or so behind that of Bomber.
Following Cobbies came this year's debutante tosser, JJ Glamma, who turned up to the Pitch with not one but two Slurpee Cups. When questioned by the assembled media he explained that he liked to have his Slurpee and drink it too, and as such he brought a spare for some post-Toss thirst-quenching. Such foresight marks Glamma as a rookie to watch, although, sadly, not this year, as his cup thumped down too far back to have any real impact on the final tally.
Davet turned up to the Toss ready to win, and like a Ruby-crowned Kinglet raising its crown, his red t-shirt was a WARNING sign to his competitors. Eyes ablaze, he thundered down the Pitch and with an arm-wrenching toss he belted his cup up, up and up, over the court and down onto the dirt on the far side, putting him in strong contention for The Jack!
Next to the line was Bambi. Seeking to channel the power of nature, she removed her shoes and connected with the earth spirit that surged beneath her feet. Whirling into action she tossed off a shot that slammed down in the far corner of the goal circle which, although not enough to win, easily surpassed her effort in 2006 and marked a new personal best.
In her second appearance at the Toss, Alethea dared to go where only Ahab had gone before. With a wildly uncontrolled toss, her cup jagged off sideways and landed in the Dead Zone on the wrong side of the top court's fence. Sometimes a pure love for the game just isn't enough to overcome those showtime jitters.
As both 'Master of Demolitions' and 'Keeper of the FNOath', the 2007 Slurpee Toss saw Postman Steve with a chance to hold all three Templetitles at once; a feat as yet unachieved by any man. And for someone like Post who considers being awake as a form of exercise, it would be an achievement all the more extraordinary. Disappointingly though, his plastic cup slammed down just short of the top court's gutter and, like his hopes and dreams, shattered into pieces. Tape measures were rushed to his and Ahab's cups and the officials ruled in favour of Post by the narrowest of margins.
Any pre-Toss questions of newfound humility were answered in the half-man, half-peacock form of Bart, strutting onto the pitch once more to punch his cup up through the stratosphere and down onto the lower court.
The only surprise was his technique. Bart, like most tossers, has traditionally employed the over-arm, grenade-tossing style, but this year he unexpectedly switched to a lateral sweep that delivered his cup to its destination with such efficiency that it had observers drawing favourable comparisons with Jonty Rhodes at his prime. Expect to see this technique adopted more widely next year.
And speaking of next year, see you next year!
The Final Results (official): 1. Bart (Toss King); 2. Davet (The Jack); 3. Post; 4. Ahab; 5. Bomber; 6. Cobbies; 7. Bambi; 8. JJ Glamma; 9. Alethea.
Too much Slurpee blogging barely enough?
Keep on Stolping: The First Pour–2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007
Keep on Tossing: Dawn of Time–2003, 2004, 2005, 2006
Keep on Demolishing: The Alpha and the Omega
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