Connex can't seem to do anything right these days. With brake failures sidelining a third of their new passenger trains, a monitoring system that's unable to pinpoint the location of trains on around 90 per cent of its network, and this month an average of 87 train cancellations each weekday, it's a wonder anyone gets anywhere at all. And then, just when Connex thought things couldn't get any worse, the state government fined them $5 million for poor performance. I would have liked to be the guy who wrote that ticket.
UPDATE: It's almost enough to make you feel sorry for the ex-Conn. Trains skidding on soapy tracks like characters out of a slapstick movie; trains pulled from service with timetable chaos ensuing; trains so overcrowded a driver (allegedly) invited 15 passengers into his compartment; and trains repeatedly appearing on the front page of the mX "news"paper, plonked down next to a big old lemon. But, most tragic of all, I just discovered that Connex inherited these dodgy Siemens trains from National Express, the previous network operator, who purchased them back in 2003 before Connex took over! Why have I not heard Connex play this card, like that politician whose every mistake is merely the result of the mess handed to him (or her) by the previous administration?
UPDATE 2: It's also been alleged that the Connex driver who allowed 15 passengers to cram into his compartment then proceeded to chat on his mobile phone while driving the train! There is, of course, nothing new or surprising about that.
What is surprising in all this however, is that although the mX "news"paper has repeatedly hacked into Connex and their faulty Siemens trains on the front page, they've so far failed to make any Semen-related puns! It surely can't be because they haven't thought of any, but what other explanation can there be? Good taste? Ha! Did you hear of the recent competition where whoever drank the most water would win Nintendo's new gaming console, the Wii? One competitor, a mother of three young children, drank so much she died from water intoxication. The mX's headline for the story? 'Dying for a Wii'. I don't think taste factors too heavily in their decision-making process.
UPDATE 3: Wait, I've got it: a new ad campaign that's right up mX's alley and that'll win the masses back for Connex! You remember that bewildering campaign a while back that featured Harry Connick Jr looking surprised, horrified and stoned all in the one facial expression? It played tenuously on the similarity between Connick's and Connex, and had Harry mumbling something nonsensical about them naming the company after him.
Well, this time, when Harry's next over here on tour, we'll slide him a J, tell him his mum's just died, whack him in the head with a cricket bat, snap off a new set of photos, blow him up to poster-size and whack on the copy line:
"I heard someone talking about Connick's semen, and I thought I'd better check it out."
Gold! The public will be so busy dying with laughter, they'll completely forget their travel woes! It doesn't make much sense, but then the original campaign didn't make much sense either. Maybe I should pitch it to Cummins & Partners? Anyone else want to contribute to the brainstorm?
UPDATE 4: Look, I’m not imagining I flew out of left field on this one – the train was at the platform just waiting to be boarded – but as my “Harry Connex” comments were posted February 2nd and The Age’s high-brow gossip column, The Age Diary, published theirs on February 8th (see below), I was well and truly on the early train. :)
UPDATE 5: The train before mine was cancelled this morning, which means there’ll be an extra trainload of commuters trying desperately to squeeze into an already well-filled train. Fun for all. A few stations down the track, the livestock shuffled in, the doors slammed shut, but the train didn’t depart. Then it didn’t depart some more. And then some even more.
Eventually the driver wandered past, heading towards the rear of the train. After a few minutes he wandered back to the front.
We waited. Still nothing.
“If I spend much longer on this train,” someone said loudly, “I’m going to faint.” As if on cue, the driver came over the intercom to tell us that two passengers had done just that, but they’d been removed and an ambulance had been called, so we could be on our way. Although with a train this full, he continued, our way would be sloooow.
I wonder if once they’d recovered, the fainting people could’ve asked the ambos for a lift in to work? That’d be a real Express service.
Posts
How do you rate Connex to Yarra Trams?
ReplyDeleteThe other day (Thursday at 12:15am) I was waiting to catch a Balwyn tram, I checked the printed time table posted on the tram stop pole, and it said the last tram was due at 12:28am. Then I checked two meters down at the 'Smart Guide' (an LCD touch screen panel) where it had a completely different time table that said the tram would arrive at 12:32am. Thirdly the countdown screen, up on a pole that tells you how many minutes until the tram arrives, said there were no more trams coming for the night, for any route. Well, the deadlines on the timetables passed without any tram arriving and then at 12:40am a tram did turn up... a Kew Depot tram that would have got those waiting about 1/3 of the way along the route before ending its journey...
A bad few weeks for Connex. They seemed to stuff up badly in their allocation of rolling stock between the temporarily disconnected section east of Blackburn and the rest of the network. And strange times beget strange reactions. On the normally placid Glen Waverley line (oops location giveaway) for the first time ever I resorted to yelling out “can you move down please?” as us Parliament-station types attempted to board a packed 6.23 pm.
ReplyDeleteTIME AND LOCATION! PHIL, I'M ONTO YOU! I'm going to be eagle-eyeing the platforms to see if there's anyone hiding suspiciously behind an opened newspaper! It's only a matter of time. Although I guess it would mean I'd have to get off my train and go for a wander... Hmm... not sure if I can be bothered.
ReplyDeleteAs one who keeps a low profile in public, it'd take a lot to make me shout things out too. But I've been close! I've certainly thrown a few glares around. It's a funny design on the new trains though, what with the handholds not running the length of the aisle. As there are only those couple on the backs of seats, it means the aisles are nearly always roomy.
Oh, and CK: give up, mate. Just walk. Your comment seems way too much like a riddle or a maths problem. :)
ReplyDeleteI've never really had a problem with tram timetabling as the only time I've caught them regularly was when I was living in Richmond. With multiple lines running along the same track I never had to check when a tram would arrive or where it was going. It was great.
Oh, and Phil, your hyperlinks don't seem to be working. Your Rothmans one worked, but the kerning one and this one don't.
ReplyDeleteYou all need to get a Bike!
ReplyDeleteBomber, I appreciate the irony given that this is my seventh Connex-related post, but we've been here before. Whatever inconveniences I might have to endure, I'm not about to sacrifice my daily reading times. Reading's far more pleasureable than riding, anyway, and there's less risk of getting sideswiped by a car.
ReplyDeleteI'm not about to sacrifice my daily reading times.
ReplyDeleteThe implicit assumption here, ap, is that a seat is available for reading. Which implies either a Flinders St or “Southern Cross at Spencer St” origin, or a trip at non-peak-ish times.
more pleasurable than riding, anyway, and there's less risk of getting sideswiped by a car.
As a bike commuter of several years standing until a tragic fall at indoor football ended my world as I knew it, there was no greater pleasure than abandoning the stresses and tensions of the working day with a pleasant “thrash” home on the two-wheeler. But I could manage 98% of my trip home via bike paths (oops more locational data)
The relative drawbacks:
- Bike – contretemps with cars, ill-lit other bikes, ill-lit pedestrians, dogs off-lead, punctures, prevailing weather.
- Train – Not exactly fitness-inducing, late, no seat, squashed, folk who expect their bag to have a seat, folk who extend their legs into your sitting space, folk having inane loud conversations on mobile or with fellow commuter, folk playing games on their phone with maximum volume enabled
Oh yes, the other day a woman and her 6year old child got on the tram and then she got out her mobile pone and started to play the ring tones to her son. Now this was no modern polyphonic phone, but an old one that that used a series of beeps to make its 'music'. And she cycled through all the beeping ring tone musics on the phone list at full volume!!
ReplyDelete"The implicit assumption here, ap, is that a seat is available for reading."
ReplyDeleteWhy do you need a seat to read? I read standing up all the time. Well, not all the time, but from time to time. Even when I'm lugging some weighty tome around with me.
"Which implies either a Flinders St or “Southern Cross at Spencer St” origin, or a trip at non-peak-ish times."
Not at all. We Melbourne Central-types mostly get seats too. It's only the unfortunate Parliament folk who miss out. So what you need to do, Phil, is when you leave Level 11 of 1 Spring St Melbourne 3000 (go to your window, I'm waving now) is to tram down to Flinders and enjoy a comfy trip home. Might lengthen your trip home, but what price personal space?
"As a bike commuter of several years ... there was no greater pleasure..."
You've got more chance getting me to rejoin FlyBuys than you have of convincing me there’s more pleasure to be found in riding than in the written word.
”... contretemps with cars...”
I think I already know you well enough to know that use was far from accidental...
”...folk having inane loud conversations on mobile or with fellow commuter...”
Yes, why does no-one ever discuss their theories on dialectical materialism on the train? It’s always, “Yeah? Not much. You? Oh yeah? Dunno. Not much. Yeah. What? Yeah.” etc, etc. (Real life example from yesterday.)
CK,
ReplyDeleteWould a screaming unentertained six-year old have been a preferred soundtrack to your journey?
JJ
Train – Not exactly fitness-inducing,
ReplyDeleteNo, but the walk to and from the station can be. I work in a suburban office complex about 20 minutes walk from the nearest station, allowing several cow-orkers to comfortably schedule 40 minutes of exercise into their daily routine.
No doubt the walk to and from home provides similar opportunities for many; and for those living across the road from a station, there is always the option of getting off the train a station or two later or earlier.
I'm also with Troph on the reading while standing; but rather than strain my arms holding up a heavy tome, I make sure there is always a mass-market paperback in my backpack, whatever other book(s) I may be reading at the time.
JJ
Level 11 of 1 Spring St Melbourne 3000
ReplyDeleteWha?
Why do you need a seat to read? I read standing up all the time.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I've not been able to bridge that massive gulf. Probably to do with poor balance. I was never destined to be a top shelf (or even middle shelf) surfer or skier. Generally when standing up I have the need to hold onto something other than a book. Which reduces the ability to effectively manage one’s tome-of-choice. Unless of course, and please confirm you don’t do this on a crowded train – lean against the horizontal bar near the door. The other night a young lass was doing this when we were absolutely sardines and to retain my balance I couldn’t grab the vertical rail next to her without avoiding contact with her flowing locks. I reconciled this by noting my mandatory requirement (retaining balance) against her arbitrary requirement (bottom and back against the bar).
Phil,
ReplyDeleteIt is very strongly implied that the advantage for me of the mass market paperback is that, with practice, it can be held one-handed.
With more practice, pages can even be turned one-handed. But personally I usually just let go of the rail, flip the page, and re-grip.
JJ
"I'm also with Troph..."
ReplyDeleteHooray, he's back, and bloody hell I can't believe I have those words IN PRINT! Or in pixel, rather. WHATEVER! There they are! :)
"I make sure there is always a mass-market paperback in my backpack..."
Yes, I'm usually the same, but when a book's as good as AHotTC, it's worth the inconvenience. And forearm pain. And back pain. Also, as I said before, on the train is often the only time I get to read, so you do what you gotta do.
"Unless of course, and please confirm you don’t do this on a crowded train..."
Rest assured, Phil, I am an absolute model commuter and, like a game of Tetris, I'm always trying to make sure I fit into whatever space I may (or may not) have in the best way possible.
"The other night a young lass was doing this when we were absolutely sardines..."
Yes, Epping line's always packed too, but I wonder how they're going on the former Zone 3 lines? Has its abolishment led to a significant increase in passengers? If yes, glory, I wonder how many people in Zone 1 (even possibly 2) are waiting on the platform watching train after train roll in and out with no room for them to get on?
"Wha?"
ReplyDeleteIs that “Wha...t the hell are you talking about? I’m actually in Canada,” or “Wha...t the devil, Holmes?! Your powers of deduction are extraordinary!” Either way, based on your FlyBuys apologetics, I've assumed you’re an employee of Pacific Loyalty, which the Whitepages lists as being at 11/1 Spring St Melbourne 3000, which is very near to the station you carelessly revealed as being the one you use. I could well be wrong however, and Google Earth has so far been useless for tracking movement out of the building around hometime.
With God as my witness, your honour, I am not an employee of Pacific Loyalty.
ReplyDeleteAh well. It was worth a shot. :)
ReplyDeleteThe hunter and the hunted!
ReplyDeleteAh well. It was worth a shot. :)
ReplyDelete... and you were on the right track...
So Phil, you don't work for Pacific Loyalty... but do you work for -> Loyalty Pacific Pty Ltd...!?
ReplyDeleteHehe, oh yes. I believe the defendant will decline to answer on the grounds that he might incriminate himself. Not that it's a crime to work for Loyalty Pacific. (Or Pacific Loyalty.)
ReplyDeleteAlright... pants off and onto the next topic. C'mon Astro Boy... gimmie something... I am bored.
ReplyDeleteI see that connect trains failed the soapy water test. Are you happy that the trains you ride in every day do through the rigours of testing which includes breaking on tracks which have been covered in soapy water... and FAIL!
Happy to be on the bike.
Sorry to hear you're bored, Bomber, but I've got nothing new for you. Too much going on in life at the mo, and not enough time for tapping away at trivialities.
ReplyDeleteIf you are bored though, I see that Aker's got a new column in the Herald Sun! You should check that out. At least ask Max if it's any good because I'm sure he's already read it.
He should stay out of the media till he wins another brownlow... I like he speaks his mind rather than repeating the same olds... but he now has a performance point to prove, and I don't think the Doggies will give him a Beckham like contract to take up space on the bench.
ReplyDeleteI'm off to read it now...
Why have I not heard Connex play this card, like that politician whose every mistake is merely the result of the mess handed to him (or her) by the previous administration?
ReplyDeleteWell, if Connex owns the trains (or leases from a third party), the fact that they are substandard is their problem; the time to complain about any problems would have been during the due diligence process prior to their purchase or lease.
To complain about it now would be to admit that they got ripped off.
Or, more exactly, that National Express got ripped off, but managed to pass the buck to them. Either way, it doesn't make Connex look too smart.
On the other hand, if the trains are owned (or leased) by the Government and merely managed by Connex, then yeah, you'd expect them to be passing the buck back.
(You can probably tell from my lack of knowledge about the workings of this fundamental part of our great city's infrastructure that I get to work courtesy of Yarra Trams. Whose SMS service appears to rock, by the way.)
JJ
Triple J, if you ever use the verb "to rock" on this blog again, you will be barred from posting. You have been warned.
ReplyDelete"You guys ROCK!" is one of the foulest expressions in the English language.
(Shudder)