Shoe-horning a metaphor into a bleeding simile, or something.

I’d rather eat the ubiquitous Mx “newspaper” than read it. But sometimes when I’m on the train, I’ll catch a serve in the face from the person opposite, as I glance up while turning the page of whatever foundational work of world literature I happen to be enjoying at the time. I caught the headline of the article below the other day, and had to bring it home to share.


‘Lost Dogs are no Bass and Flinders as they try to find their station in life’? Wow! This sub-editor just couldn’t let it go, could they? They had an overstuffed bale of puns and come hell or high water they were gunna get ‘em all in, no matter what no-one had to say about it, ya hear?! So, take a second and try to guess what the article's about. Go on.

All done? How'd you go? Here for your edification is the text in full.

Lost Dogs are no Bass and Flinders as they try to find their station in life

Bulldog Scott West’s football skills meant nothing today as he took part in a variation of the popular TV show The Amazing Race. West even tried to bribe a club official to help get his team away from Flinders St station and back on to the quickest path around Melbourne. The Bulldogs were split into groups and had to find clues to their next destination.

Great story, and it’s clever you see because the men in the photo play for the Bulldogs and they’re playing a navigation type game so there’s a chance they could be lost and there’s an organization called the Lost Dogs Home so that ties that together and the Lost Dogs (he, he) are at Flinders St station and there’s a famous Australian explorer called Flinders who would have had to navigate so that ties them together and they’re trying to find something so let’s say it’s a station in life, or something although I’m not sure how that applies and Flinders knocked about with Bass which is a fish so let’s get that in there because... well because he and Flinders always went fishing together and the Lost Dogs (he, he) are no Bass and Flinders because they’re trying to bribe som… wait a minute, there’s no bribe pun in the title… um, 'Here Comes the Bribe'? Yes! Because he’s moving forwards! So, revise; let’s bring it all together: “Here Comes the Bribe as Lost Dogs show they’re no Bass and Flinders as they try to find their station in life and stuff.” Gold! And I get paid by the word! High Five!

My irritation with the article was all the more as it reminded me how bad Season 8 of The Amazing Race has been, and not just because they continue to call ‘clues’, what should clearly be called ‘instructions’. Those boring old sods at Oxford call a ‘clue’: a fact or piece of evidence that helps to clarify a mystery or solve a problem. If there’s no mystery or problem to solve, it’s not a ‘clue’, it’s an ‘instruction’, which is: a direction or order. I’ve only watched the last few seasons, so maybe there was a time when they had to use clues to solve puzzles, but not anymore. Now it’s just “Go to Point A and get directions to Point B”. Boring. Kate called this season “The Amazing Disgrace” and she’s got it right. Hopefully next season’ll improve.

Well I wandered off-topic, but that’s ok. If you hadn’t already read it on the train yourself, I hope you enjoyed catching up on some riveting Doggie news. Woof, woof.