Well, we had our final antenatal class last week and, I’ll tell you, this is going to be an ordeal. It’s been difficult already, what with Kate being sick for the whole eight months so far, but that’s nothin’ compared to what’s comin’! What with all the things that can swell, crack, bleed, rupture, explode, or just plain drop off, I think it’s a miracle that anyone survives the birthing process. How did we as a species make it this far? How’d they get by circa caveman time?
In the classes I frequently felt like one of the group of horrified drink-drivers from The Simpsons, watching Troy McClure’s driver’s ed films, "Alice's Adventures through the Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot”. What comforted me most was knowing that in these classes they have to cover every possible problem so you’re informed, but that there’s no way you’re going to experience the full set. One, two or three, maybe; but not the lot. I keep reminding myself of that. Also that it’s not going to be me on the table, which helps a lot too. Only jokin’. Come on.
So four weeks to go, and everything changes. One big speed hump to get over, and then a lifetime of smaller speed humps after that… with many, many moments in between of intense joy watching your child grow, of course.
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Book in for the package... Bugger this natural stuff... Knock her out, open her up, get that bad boy outta there... stitch everything up, Kate will wake up at the Sofitel with the son of a Lord and bang! There you have it... Isn't that how it works?
ReplyDeleteAhhh Bomber... if only it could be true! I especially like the bit about the Sofitel.
ReplyDeleteHow did we as a species make it this far? How’d they get by circa caveman time?
ReplyDeleteMany of them died. That's why the holy books all command the ones that don't to "be fruitful and multiply."
To the all too common idiots that frequently opine that our primitive ancestors lived closer to nature and thus had better and more wonderful lives, my standard response is "dentistry".
But "obstetrics" would trump that if I was a woman, I'm sure.
Package, package, package...
ReplyDeleteHave you decided if you are going to go the whole natural option? or have you had enough for 9 month and will get get the bad boy out as fast as possible to get on with things.
Phark me, we are getting close now... Best find some cigars. I got a mate Bill who has some special scented ones...
I got a mate Bill who has some special scented ones...
ReplyDeleteCharming.
I should point out that my "dentistry" argument for modernity vs a mythical past golden age is not original to me.
ReplyDeleteI originally picked it up from Terry Pratchett, but God knows where he got it from. Churchill, probably. Or Twain.
"anaesthesia" is another good one.
I originally picked it up from Terry Pratchett, but God knows where he got it from. Churchill, probably. Or Twain.
ReplyDeleteWell he got it from P.J. O’Rouke; and P.J. wrote it himself.
In general, life is better than it has ever been, and if you think that, in the past, there was some golden age of pleasure and plenty to which you would, if you were able, transport yourself, let me say one single word : "Dentistry"
P.J O’Rourke, All The Trouble In The World, 1994.
Season 7, season 8, whatever. :-)
Yes, you're right, it was PJ.
ReplyDeletePratchett's character of Cohen The Barbarian was the one who opined that - although when younger he might have yearned to drive his enemies before him and hear the lamentations of their women - at his age, the best things in life were "hot water bottles, good dentishtry, and shoft lavatory paper".