Bulky as a Hummer and featuring machine gun barrel-style ventilation on top of the outer sleeve, it's also emblazoned with Apache motifs! Apaches! (Actual Apache motifs unable to be seen in this photo, which I probably should have considered when composing it. Annoying. Oh well, can't be bothered retaking the photo now, so you'll just have to believe me.)
Haven't got around to applying the Invisible Shield yet, because I need to watch the instructional video first. Although, since it arrived, I've been given reason to wonder whether I actually need it at all. For you see, it seems my tough-as-nuts little iPhone is quite able to look after itself.
Allow me to illustrate.
Winter loves her bath. So much so that getting her out can be quite a challenge. Any suggestion that bath time is about to conclude is met with a resolute, "No. Stay in bath little bit longer." A little bit longer later however, and she's no more ready to get out, simply restating her intent to "Stay in bath little bit longer." Trying to problem-solve creatively, I decided to use a countdown timer in the hope that this might help her to understand something as abstract as a limited block of time.
I made the mistake, however, of using a two-buck plastic timer with an alarm like a wailing poltergeist jangling its chains in a drawer full of cutlery. So alarmed was Winter on hearing it that she burst into tears. A new approach was needed. I remembered that the iPhone had a large countdown timer and a pleasing selection of sound effects that could alert without raising the dead. I went with a novelty "boing" type alarm, which I played to Winter so she knew what to listen for, and then I set the timer counting down from five minutes.
Boiiiiing.
I held the iPhone up and as planned (as hoped), up rose Winter as well. Yes! As I stood to lift her out, however, I suddenly realised a problem: I had nowhere to put my phone. Normally during bathtimes I take off my watch and place it on the floor next to me, so as not to get it wet. But on this day, as my iPhone was not in my right pocket where it usually lives, I'd gone and put my watch in there instead. Protective as I am of my iPhone's pristine condition, I couldn't now put my phone in there as well, without risking its glass face against the metal edges of the watch. I couldn't put it in my left pocket for the same reason, as that's where I keep my keys. I couldn't put it on the floor, as the chance of Winter splashing water all over it as she got out was too high. And so, wanting to act before she sensed my hesitation and sat down again, I made a snap decision and slipped it into my shirt pocket. Then, remaining carefully upright, I lifted Winter from the bath and carried her from the room. Done.
Returning to the bathroom some time later, I noticed that the water was still in bath. "Better take care of that," I thought. As I lent over to pull out the plug, I felt a weight shift in my shirt pocket and, as realisation struck, time ground to a crawl and I watched in horror as my precious hydrophobic device plunged into the water. Faster than an Alien's inner jaw my hand shot after it and in one swift motion before it even came to rest, I gripped the iPhone and hoisted it back into the air.
Fighting a rising panic, I cleared the iPhone's airways and checked for signs of life. And the signs appeared to be... good! It went in and out of Airplane Mode (which is common after a watery dip, apparently), but otherwise it seemed to be just fine! I called Nee Hancock to test it, but he advised me to power it down at once and put it out to dry.
The Internet was, as ever, both incredibly helpful and entirely useless, as each remedial suggestion was subsequently denounced by others as likely to bring on not only massive system failure but arguably the End Times as well. I tried to find a sensible middle ground that avoided ovens, hairdryers or sacrificing a virgin goat, and ended up laying the dormant device on a bed of rice in an air-tight container. (Rice absorbs ambient moisture, you see.) I then placed the container in a warm, dry spot on a shelf, safe from curious little hands, and settled down to play the waiting game.
The waiting game sucked, but finally the day to roll away the stone arrived. I lifted the phone from its tomb and nervously powered it on.
All good!
Everything seemed to be working as it should, with no noticeable effects. Incredible! Scarcely able to believe my luck, I thanked the makers at Apple, ran through a series of diagnostic tests, and then got on getting on with life. Now, a number of months later, I've all but forgotten my iPhone's little splash with death, and as you would expect now the bugger's insured, the gravest threat it's faced has been the scourge of fingerprints! And long may it be so. "Long" here meaning however long it is until the iPhone 3G's successor is released, of course, at which time any unfortunate accidents that shuffle the old model off to silicon heaven will be welcomed with songs of thanksgiving and praise.
UPDATE
So, it seems the fears that led to all this were unfounded. Nee Hancock informs me that iPhone has highly scratch-resistant tempered glass on its face, as was demonstrated to him by an Apple Genius who went to work on the face of a faulty model with a set of keys; all to no effect! Oh well, fortune favours the cautious, or something. As an aside, I can't stand that title, Apple Genius. It's so wildly disproportionate to the service they actually provide it's laughable. It's like calling them the Apple Awesomes. Ridiculous.
UPDATE 2
Alriiiight, here's your Apache logo photo. Two instances of many. No digital life is safe without Apaches!
UPDATE 3
Well, two years down, I'm out of contract, have upgraded to iPhone 4, and my little aqua-lovin' 3G is still going strong. I've handed it down to my two girls, four and two, as their own little gaming machine, so let's see if it can survive that. :)
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So did you use the cover in the end or what?
ReplyDeleteDoes this mean you have ISP connections again?
ReplyDeleteOh, and while you have opened the can of worms known as the 'Apple Genius'... its a real pet hate of mine how the IT industry grabs other professions and stuffs them into a completely different occupation... My main pet hate... System Architect.
ReplyDeleteThe project I am currently on I find I am dealing with a number of people who carry the title 'Architect'... do they design buildings? do they have the claim that their work is a landmark for the country... NO. They are glorified document writers who design systems at such a high level and have no concept how that design is actually going to be delivered...
An architect is an achitect and has no place in the IT industry.
My 2 cents...
Another one... Subway Snadwitch Artist... WTF!
ReplyDeleteWell, hello Bomber! :)
ReplyDelete"So did you use the cover in the end or what?"
Actually, after all this time, no. Nee Hancock bought the same one, and I benefitted from his experience. The sheet for the back was very tricky to apply, and dirt and dust would quickly attach to any bit that wasn't stuck down smoothly. Made it look a bit tatty after a while. As for the front sheet, it (obviously) changed the feel under your finger from smooth glass to a plasticy one that I didn't like. Others might feel differently, though, so if anyone reading this wants military-grade protection for free, let me know.
"Does this mean you have ISP connections again?"
Yep, back online at home. Wasn't as bad this time, as having the iPhone meant it was pretty easy to stay connected online.
"...its a real pet hate of mine..."
I understand what you mean, although personally I don't have much of a problem with "architect" (except for the fact that just hearing the word brings the unwelcome voice of Hey Dad's Betty Wilson into my head. ARGH!) Architect comes from the Greek arkhi-tekton meaning 'chief builder', so I think it can be used broadly.
The real IT word I hate is 'Solution'. ARGRRRRRGH! Solution Architect, Solution Provider, etc, etc... it's absolute pure wank. Another one is Executive. A meaningless word you can add to any title to make it seem more than it is. You're not a Receptionist anymore, you're an Administrative Executive. YES! Does my pay go up? Aah, no. Don't be stupid.
"Subway Snadwitch Artist... WTF!"
Ha, ha. Yes, that's pure gold. It really would be tough to top that one.
Apple call their minimum-wage drones "Geniuses"?
ReplyDeleteReally?
I assume that we're talking about the guys that work in the shops that you take your Apple kit to when it breaks, right?
"Geniuses"?
Really?
I mean, when Einstein did his best work, his job title was "Patent Clerk".
OK, so maybe I should be acknowledging that this whole post is a testament and tribute to Apple's first-rate industrial design. And it is. But then the same damn company goes and gives their techs the job title of...
Really?
OK, having overcome my disbelief I proceed to read the comments...
ReplyDeleteBefore I tell you you're wrong, Mr Apostropher, what is it about the word "Solution" that you object to?
("Architect" is a far worse buzzword, if only because there's a perfectly good word - "Designer" that does the same job.
Or at least did, before "Designer" came to mean "Web Designer" or "Graphics Designer" for people too lazy to use two words.)
Incidentally does anyone have any thoughts on Disney Theme Parks designation of their staff as "Cast Members"?
I suppose it's reassuring to know that you're not really a burger-flipper in the Disneyland Cafe - it's just a role you're playing.
"Really? ... Really? ... Really?"
ReplyDeleteHa, ha. Exactly. And you do realise you're agreeing with me here, JJ? Did you want to back up and try again? :)
"Before I tell you you're wrong..."
Do you know, I actually can't tell if you're saying that tongue in cheek...
"...what is it about the word "Solution" that you object to?"
It's a weasel word, an empty shell, that sounds impressive but ultimately means nothing. I mean, who in their job *isn't* working to solve some question or problem? The garbo provides a solution to the problem, "What should I do with all this rubbish?" He's a waste management solution provider.
Architect and Designer (whose meanings I would argue intersect at certain points) can and have been used in a similar way, but not to the extent of 'solution'.
"...Disney Theme Parks designation of their staff as "Cast Members"?
Ha, ha. That is priceless. Not as pompous and wanky as Subway's Sandwich Artists, as surely there's a degree of knowing humour in there?
Chaps... good to be back, nice to start the year off with a bang.
ReplyDeleteSo from what I can establish someone who's title is 'SOLUTION ARCHITECT' is the biggest toss pot in the office.
Well brace yourself... I can count 4 people I work with who actually sign their emails off with that bad boy.
I should use that title for myself. Half the time I have no idea what I am doing over here... its all bahasa to me... and no one would really know or care the difference.
No. Way. Ha, ha, that's too funny.
ReplyDeleteWasn't Himmler called the Architect of the Final Solution? It's a bit too close for me to be comfortable with something like that on my business card.
I can't decide if I'm a Solution Coordinator or a Type Architect? Or maybe I'm an Executive Production Architect?
ReplyDeleteYes, it's wanky to call the Garbo a "Waste Management Solution Provider".
ReplyDeleteThat doesn't mean that there's no such thing. The company that employs him is definitely a "Waste Management Solution Provider".
Because it doesn't just drive a truck: It does many diverse and complex things that have the end result of rubbish being disposed of efficiently and cheaply.
You might say that this is just as big a wank. Fair enough, I'm happy to call them a "Waste Management" company.
But the product they are selling is that they will solve your "Waste Management" problem for you. So it makes sense for them to think of themselves as "Solution Providers".
So they will think in terms of employing people such as "Solution Managers" who know how the whole process works, and can fix it when it breaks; or "Solution Designers" to, as it were, build the better mousetrap.
Or "Solution Architects", if you prefer. Not that I do.
Obviously, it goes without saying that just because "Solution" is a legitimate word to use in job titles does not mean it is not used illegitimately.
ReplyDeleteA lot.
Goes without 159 words of saying, apparently. Hehe. Of course there are situations where 'solution' can be used appropriately, but, as with 'awesome', its way overused, and therefore best avoided. It's also right at home within the lifeless vernacular of corporate speak — We're looking at optimising our strategic outcome-based synergies to enhance our dynamic, value-added solutions going forward — so there's another reason not to like it.
ReplyDeletebest avoided?
ReplyDeleteDo you mean, it's bad to use it even when it is absolutely the correct word to use, simply because it's often used inappropriately?
Because I disagree with that. There are a lot of places where "Solution" is absolutely the right word to use, and I'm damned if I'm giving up a perfectly useful word just because a bunch of poseurs have been using it to tart up their business cards.
On a related note, I have never had a "great old time" with The Flintstones.
On a less related note, I used to work for a subsidiary of an accounting software company called "Solution 6".
I always speculated that either the parent company had tried five other ideas first before succceeding; or they were supposed to be heroes in the vein of the "Magnificent Seven" who would come into your company/village and set everything right with their accounting software/gunslinging skills.
Most likely the truth contains the words "buzzword" and "alliteration"; hence my non-interest in learning it.
Leverage... overused in my office...
ReplyDelete'Excuse me Astro, mind if I leverage your solution with the waste management of my kitchen surplus?'
For fark sake... post something else so we can start new comments before we spiral into chaos...
ReplyDeleteAh, 'leverage'.
ReplyDeleteFor when 'utilise' just doesn't quite do it.
"Do you mean, it's bad to use it even when it is absolutely the correct word to use, simply because it's often used inappropriately?"
ReplyDeleteOf course I'm not saying that. Much as it pains me to deprive you of something to disagree with. Again, as with awesome, if the time is right, use away. But if, say, you're trying to come up with a name for your new product or company, and you want to project an image that's something other than tired, mediocre and absolutely forgettable, then I'd suggest choosing something else.
"For fark sake... post something else..."
ReplyDeleteBomber, I'm committed to streamlining my processes so as to facilitate improved outcome delivery for my stakeholders going forward.
...you want to project an image...
ReplyDeleteExcept that I don't. I'm not in marketing.
What I want is to have an answer for when people ask me what the company I work for does.
Currently, my answer is "We provide IT solutions for <type of organisations>".
If I didn't use the S-word, that answer would either be less accurate or several sentences longer.
Several sentences?! I see your point! Heaven forbid you actually have a CONVERSATION with someone! What, are you speed-dating, or something? Maybe you've been spending too much time on Twitter, my friend?
ReplyDeleteTelling me that your company "provides IT solutions for [insert name here]" tells me little more than that you work with computers. Come on, don't be shy. I'm not going anywhere. Tell me a little about yourself...
Actually, no it doesn't tell you that, because the sales team, receptionist and office managers work for the same company and do not "work with computers".
ReplyDelete(Well, they do in the sense that they have computers on their desks. But you know what I mean.)
If someone asks me what *I* do, I have another answer:- "I write software, mostly in Perl."
We can arbitrarily remove *any* word - not just "solutions" - from our conversational vocabularies and replace it with a lengthy definition. But the words exist specifically to save us the trouble.
If people want to ask me what "IT Solutions" or "Perl" - or even "software" - are, then I'm happy to answer them, and I've had many an interesting conversation start like that.
But in the interests of concision, I see no need to burden my initial reply to what is possibly just a social inquiry with unwanted technical information.
(To be more accurate, I try to be like that. In reality, as you no doubt know, I tend to twitter (heh!) on long past the point where eyes glaze over. But, working on that.)
Which brings me back to the point - "solution" in IT does actually mean something. You can replace it with a definition, but you can't replace it with another word.
For fark sake... post something else, Apostropher!
ReplyDeleteJJ, why does this read as a debate when I've not disagreed with a thing you've said? Oh right, because it's with you. :)
Look, as I said earlier, the word 'solution' has a perfectly valid right to exist, but as with any word that has become overused and stale I would seek to avoid it and find an alternative. If none exists, then of course it should be used, and if your case is one such case, then many blessings and happy solutions be upon you. All I'm saying is don't reject "We provide IT panaceas" out of hand. Give it a chance before you dismiss it, hey?