Taking It Lion Down.

The 1950s were a time of great fear and uncertainty, as the Cold War played out across the globe and the ever-present threat of a nuclear apocalypse struck fear into the hearts of all.

Not Charles Hipp, though. He wasn't worried. Life for him was certain to the point of boredom. Sure, he got a little buzz from speeding around town in his Cadillac without a seatbelt on, or gargling mouthfuls of DDT with the kids on weekends, but it simply wasn't enough. And so, desperate for excitement, he one day decided to bring home a lion...


A stuffed one, yeah? That's a dead, stuffed lion he's hoisted his baby granddaughter onto, isn't it? Aah no, sadly Blondie (as the lion was named), was as real as Charles himself.


Look, see? Here's Charles endangering a small child again, parading a neighbour's offspring around on the Queen of the Jungle like a pony at the Fair. And when the child eventually tired of the novelty, Blondie was bundled into the family chariot and driven off to her next ordeal.


It's good that the kids listened when she called shotgun, hey? Not that you'd argue, I guess? I mean, Charles would; but then he's going to be up front anyway, so there wasn't any point. Anyway, after several hours in the car, they'd finally arrive at their destination.


The lake. How about that serenity? Looks like she's having a ball, yeah? Blondie just loves the water. Which is fortunate, because once she gets home...


...it's bathtime! A big day out and about can get a lion really dirty, and the ever fastidious Charles would leave no spot of this proud beast unscrubbed. How ever did lions out in the wild manage to stay clean without Charles around?

Blondie, bless her, finally tired of the humiliation and fought back.


Not that Charles minded, though. Getting mauled by a lion was fat city, ya dig? What a blast! I mean, what's the point of taunting a lion if they're just going to take it all in fun? A good old-fashioned "fang-in-the-fanny hold" was exactly what Charles had been chasing, and he was now finally livin' the dream.

But Blondie just couldn't maintain the rage, and eventually retreated inside herself, broken and defeated. Even when Charles went to work on her with his cattle-prod, she just lay there and took it, barely able to raise even a whimper. Increasingly disappointed with this ungrateful beast he'd saved from the wild, Charles finally lost patience, and led Blondie behind the backyard shed, where he bludgeoned her to death with an axe. He rolled the body up in a tarpaulin, and on the next family visit to the lake, he bundled the noble lion over the side to a watery grave.

It really is a jungle out there.

(Follow the links above to the full set, if you want more. Yes, there are more. Sigh.)

UPDATE
What was it about the mid-Twentieth century and cruelty to animals and small children? I say, here's fun? Let's give little baby Mikey a big ol' bag o' lemons, and watch what happens...

Yep, nothing good. And if it wasn't bad enough already, you then discover it was some sort of amateur science experiment where Mikey was initially offered the choice between a delicious ice cream cone and an open, weeping lemon. The good Lord himself is likely unsure as to why, and indeed, what these loving parents learned as a result. Good grief.