Microsoft tackles population control.

Microsoft has been accused of a lot of things over the years, but never direct child abuse. (Unless you consider children using Windows as a form of abuse?) But now, in response to new business moves by Microsoft, Rob Glaser, the unhappy CEO of RealNetworks, has come right out and declared, "We think this a case where our technology competitors, in this case specifically Microsoft, have literally thrown the baby out with the bath water." Glory! Sounds like Uncle Bill needs to forget his charity work and get back behind the keyboard at Redmond because things are flying out of control!

And thanks, Rob, for a real-life cracker to add to my collection. :-)

More delays.

Connex is my new best friend. Sure, sure, they haven’t improved their trains’ punctuality or lowered the contact point for their SMS delay service, but they did send me free stuff! And who can resist the wooing power of free stuff?!


I really love the imagery for their current campaign. I think it was a bold move by whoever pitched the concept, and an even bolder one by whoever approved it. I like that it avoids the common, safe and boring diverse blend of ages and ethnicities, with equal representation of males and females, easily and successfully using [insert your product here], and goes instead for giant, rampaging beavers, guinea pigs, Venus fly-traps and fleets of flying saucers all wreaking havoc.

“Giant, rampaging what?! Our valued customers can’t relate to a giant beaver! No, no; we need large, glossy, full-colour prints of a diverse blend of ages and races, with equal representation of men and women, of course, all being successfully engaged and assisted by one of our many, friendly Connex Service Executives. Now that’s the ticket! Sign off on that one, beaver boy.”


I thought some sample images might go well with this post, but rather than try and track down the right number of bus shelters and billboards dotted across town, I thought I’d go right to the source. A quick email to Connex got an even quicker reply! Christie told me she had “a spare copy of each poster” if I would like them, and that I could go in to pick them up, or she could even post them directly to me if I’d like! The next day, there they were. They should put Christie in charge of the SMS service. So 10 out of 10 for customer service, Connex. (Even if the “set” did end up being only two posters, not the expected five. But I no complain).


So, attention Connex, my next irritable rant has been delayed, and is now expected in… oh, I don’t know. Some time later. I apologise for any hurt feelings I’ve caused.

A new head Bobs into town.

You know, I thought Beck’s head on that Dandy set of shoulders was as good a match as you’d be likely to find, but now I’m not so sure. Bobby Timmons has just swaggered into town, you see, looking for a place to lay his head, and I thinks those Dandy shoulders might suit him just fine.

Actually, I say ‘swaggered’ into town, but it was more of a squeeze, like toothpaste from a tube. Or a caterpillar from a cocoon. Indeed, he must’ve been stuck inside Radiohead for some time because the 'Bends' guy looks quite relieved to have him out.


So Bobby’s on the screen, but so far he’s yet to make his move. I can only guess he’s getting the lay of the land, measuring the pixels, seeing what kind of a hold Beck has on those well-known, bohemian shoulders. As you can see below, Bobby’s out in force down south, looking north with a determined gaze.


And Beck’s clearly concerned. He’s making a show of staying close, flitting around like a peacock if a peacock was to flit, but when Bobby flips in, Beck flips right the hell out as soon as iTunes’ll let him.


So this is getting pretty exciting, yeah?

Hello?

[Crickets chirp. Somewhere a wolf howls.]

Well anyway, the tension is building, but will the build-up be worth it? Will Bobby’s head prove to be a better match than Beck’s? Who can say, who can predict? Don’t worry, don’t worry; you will get to see for yourselves. I’m like a deer hunter, watching, lying in wait, ready to snap off a shot when the target springs into view. It’s only a matter of time…

UPDATE, BY REQUEST: Coming to you live from Apostrophe Garden in wintery Melbourne, Australia, it’s all the hot grass-growing action you handle, and it's all right here on The Path. So sit back and stay tuned because this could get out of controoooooool.

Don’t mention the ‘soccer’.

I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it.

So now that all this World Cup hubbub has died down, perhaps I can ask the question: if ‘soccer’ is such a dirty word, how come the players of our national team (surely the ultimate of football fans?) are happy to be called the ‘Socceroos’? Why aren’t they in open revolt, pushing for a name change to the ‘Footballroos’? Or even, as a nod to their Australian heritage, the ‘Foodyroos’? If ‘soccer’ is good enough for our noble band of heroic footballing heroes, well then it’s good enough for me as well.

And speaking of good enough for me, where have those 2006 World Cup Australian Away jerseys been all my life?! Finally, a colour palette to be proud of, and a uniform that doesn’t make us look like an (admittedly athletic) team of Wiggles (but a team of Wiggles nonetheless). The Brazilians must have been pissed they didn’t get to play Away. Summer fun beach-wear for you again, boys, I'm afraid. Australian Green and Gold was, is, and shall forevermore be, awful, and I for one would like to see more of this dignified type of strip for all our god-like sporting heroes, doing us proud as they battle bravely for Australian glory, exactly like the diggers on the beaches at Gallipoli back in 1915. I don't know who's in charge of all that, but, you know, see what you can do? Thanks, I knew you could.

Warning: giant turkey.

“If there’s ever a delay, we’ll txt you straight away. SMS Updates gives you FREE up-to-the-moment information about any delays to your train service.”

Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? Pretty handy service. So why, despite my train home being delayed almost every single night, have I not been contacted once? Why has my experience not lived up to the promise?

Oh wait, there’s fine print: “SMS messages sent by Connex are for all train cancellations and delays over 15 minutes”.

Sorry? Over 15 minutes? Look, I’m no stranger to weaselly fine print, but let’s look at their bold print statements again: “If there’s ever a delay, we’ll txt you straight away. SMS Updates gives you FREE up-to-the-moment information about any delays to your train service.” I don't see a single second of wiggle room in that statement. It sounds to me like a service that could tell you to keep running because your train’s been delayed by 3 minutes and you can still make it! But no. Fifteen minutes is the best (or worst) you can hope for, and you’ll just have to discover any old trifley 14 minute delays for yourself.

So, the fine print doesn’t clarify the statement, it completely alters it. “If there’s an extended delay, we’ll contact you pretty much straight away,” is not as snappy, but would be closer to the reality. The use of absolute terms like ‘ever’ and ‘any’ seems self-defeating; if you create unrealistic expectations for your new service, don’t be surprised if people think it sucks. As I say, my experience has not lived up to the promise, and as delays longer than 15 minutes are in my experience thankfully rare, this new ‘service’ seems all but irrelevant.

So it’s no help with workaday delays, but what about cancellations? Well last week I got this message at 6:26 am: “Post, the 7:36 am Reservoir train to Flinders Street has been cancelled. Connex apologises for any inconvenience,” which was followed by this one an hour later: “Post, the 7:36 am Reservoir train to Flinders Street will now run. Connex apologises for any inconvenience.” So I’m not exactly filled with confidence.

Then yesterday at 5:33pm I received this message from Connex: “Post, due to a fault, buses have replaced trains Flinders St – Clifton Hill. Please go to Flinders St. We apologise for the inconvenience. Call 131638.” There was an incident like this a while back and I got all the way to my platform before discovering I needed to head for Flinders, so I was pretty impressed by this message. Until I discovered The Age website had posted a detailed article on the situation a full 16 minutes before Connex managed to send me a text message. Rapid response, Connex. Really “up-to-the-moment”. Did you learn of the situation from The Age’s website too? Or CNN, perhaps? Then, 13 minutes later, a second SMS informed me “The fault has now been rectified and services are resuming to normal”. Wow! Resolved in 13 minutes? They might be slow to start, but they finish like lightning!

The icing though was the apology in the same message. It was as though they’d read my earlier post and knew they needed to alter the script and pull out something special. And they did:


Not one, but two apologies. It's a double-scoop of sincerity. That’s making an effort. Thanks Connex. You're the best. Apology accepted.

Please Kelloggs, I want some more.

Speaking of the need for this blog to tackle the Big issues, have you seen the ‘serving suggestion’ on a box of Special K? I have. (For some reason).


Thirteen flakes (give or take) and a thimble-full of milk! And you'll like it! No whinging. I don’t know if a spoon’s worth of Special K for breakfast will “keep you looking and feeling good”, but it’ll certainly keep you skinny.

Technology boom.

Oh, and if you've ever wanted to blow up a Mac, live vicariously...

Winter blossoms.

Well, at three months, Winter continues to fly past her developmental milestones. She’s smiling, she’s jamming her hands into her mouth (which is apparently how we learn that those things that keep moving around in front of us actually belong to us), she’s hitting things that dangle in front of her (in an inquisitive, not violent, manner), and she’s even started rolling! My only area of concern is that while she favours her left hand for hitting, she’s favouring the right hand for sucking, and so it’s unclear which hand is dominant and whether she’ll be left or right handed. Lefties do make an impact, and right-handers do suck, so it could still go either way… No, it’s not a competition, but… LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, COME ON! :-)