Happy Star Wars™ Day™.

I wasn't going to do a post for Star Wars™ Day™ this year. It's getting pretty tough coming up with new reasons to be excited (and new illnesses), and I didn't want my annual posts to become little more than a whinge about how much better things were back when I were a boy. Wa, wa, wa.

But then a friend sent me an article, I was a Star Wars fan – I'm still recovering, that so perfectly captured my own experience (someone else played Tapper?!), that I thought, "What the hell, one more whinge for old times' sake."

It's been a rough dozen years for us Star Wars fans. The release of The Phantom Menace split the community in half, the gushers (people who loved it) and the bashers (people who didn't). If you can't tell from my equating fandom with alcoholism, I am a basher. Each of the next two movies, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, was worse than the last, and it became increasingly hard to identify as a fan. After all, the whole franchise was based on six feature films, and I hated half of them (and only sort of liked Return of the Jedi).

Do click through. It's a great piece.

I've got to say, the deeper I get buried in disappointment, the more I warm to the idea of rebooting the franchise. My. I never thought I'd say that. I'm generally opposed to rebooting, just on principle. The current craze for it—Battlestar Galactica, V, The Hulk, Spiderman, Star Trek, Conan, etc, etc—reeks of profiteering; less, if at all, about telling better stories than simply exploiting nostalgia to maximise ticket sales.

But with Star Wars I'm prepared to make an exception. Because let's just admit it: the Star Wars saga is broken. Broken beyond repair. The warning signs were there in 1997 with the Special Editions, but it wasn't until the Prequels that the rot really set in. And as the years rolled by, the infection has spread so far that the only thing to do is burn the bugger to the ground and start again.

It's a drastic solution, for sure, but as I see it, rebooting would offer a chance to fix three of the Prequels' biggest flaws.

1. Far too special effects
George Lucas once said:

"Special effects are just a tool: a means of telling a story. People have a tendency to confuse them as an ends unto themselves."

And George should know, because it's a tendency he's fallen into himself. He continues:

"A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing."

Well, quite, but did you really need to make three multi-million dollar films to prove it? Point made! Give it a rest. What story there was in the Prequels was there only to support a special effects showcase. If Lucas had put the effort into crafting his narrative that he put into conjuring his effects, the Prequels might even have been good.

2. Joining the dots
One big problem with the Prequels is that faced by any prequel: we already know how it's going to end. Maybe not the details, but certainly the framework, and Lucas didn't try to subvert or challenge this at all. Like, we all knew Sidious was Palpatine, right? The hints were as subtle as a Force push to the face. Well, imagine it had turned out he wasn't! Imagine if Lucas—knowing what we thought we knew—had appeared to confirm it, only to pull the walking carpet out from under our feet when the great reveal finally occurred! But no. He joined the dots from A to V and woke us all up when we got there.

Rebooting would let us re-establish the characters we love, then enjoy their continuing adventures into the unknown. Han could live again! Sure, no one can replace Harrison, but everyone else is up for grabs, right? It's not like Mark Hamill, bless him, won any Oscars for his performance. Actually, thinking about it, maybe Harrison can be replaced? I'd love to see Sam Rockwell's Han Solo. Or Ed Norton, Christian Bale, Josh Brolin or even Brad Pitt! And what about Rupert Grint trying out for Luke? Seriously. And Emily Browning for Leia? Anyway.

3. Forward to the past
It's always bugged me how the universe of the Prequels is so obviously more technologically advanced than the Classic trilogy. And saying the galaxy withered and went backwards after the fall of the Old Republic doesn't explain how a slave boy's podracer can be more sophisticated than the Imperial military's frontline fighters. Anachronisms like that yank me out of the universe and remind me I'm watching a film made 20 years after the first. But a rebooted universe would let us start from the start (crazy!), and advances in the world of filmmaking could walk hand-in-hand with the worlds of the film. Everything can match, continuity can be achieved, and balance can be restored!

'Course, none of this could ever happen before—God forbid—Uncle George shuffles off to a galaxy far, far away... but we can dream, can't we? Dream of a re-imagined Classic trilogy—essentially unchanged (the Ewok storyline needs tweaking)—but made with today's filmmaking technology, followed up by an adaptation of Timothy Zahn's Thrawn trilogy, and concluded with a third trilogy based around the Yuuzhan Vong series. Or even better, get Zahn and the equally great Michael A Stackpole to craft something new altogether! And Peter Jackson can direct the lot! Or Christopher Nolan! I'm not picky. They can take it in turns if they want. Sure, it'd have to be done right—and there's oh-so-so much potential for it to go horribly wrong—but hey, I'm an optimist, so I believe.

Right, I'm off to watch Empire again. Happy Star Wars™ Day™. May the fourth be with you.

UPDATE
Now this could be interesting. Joe Johnston, Hollywood director and the man credited with designing Boba Fett's armour, wants to spin off a Boba Fett film. Not quite what I was thinking off, but it could be great—if it brushed with small strokes, limiting itself to a standalone story and avoiding any reference to Boba's growing back story. Young Boba in the Clone Wars animated series wasn't as bad as in the Prequels, but he wasn't much good either as he had to carry all of Lucas' baggage from the Prequels. I guess we'll see.

UPDATE 2
You're really not doing yourself any favours, you know, George? Sigh. The Blu-rays are out, and Lucas' urge to tinker is as irresistible as ever. The Ewoks now blink—at last—and arguably the worst moment in the Prequel trilogy now finds a reflection in the Classic. Nooooooooooo! Does anyone—even Rick "That's fantastic, George" McCallum—think these changes are good? Do any of them enhance the story at all? When will it end? Embarrassing.

UPDATE 3
George Lucas Strikes Back. With a little help from some old friends. Very good.

Choc lotto.

Made the mistake of buying a Cadbury Boost bar the other day. Mistake because I enjoyed it so much I bought another one the next day. And a third the day after that. Third time unlucky though, because halfway through the chocolate bar I discovered not so much a Golden Ticket, but more a small flap of blue plastic.


Eurgh. Gave it a tug, but it was stuck fast. First reaction was disappointment I wasn't going to be able to finish my chocolate bar. Called the number on the wrapper and got through to a very friendly woman who took down the details. After confirming the plastic was soft, she expressed relief that no one had been hurt. "It shouldn't have been there at all, of course," she said, "but it's great to hear it's unlikely to have hurt anyone."

A Reply Paid envelope would be dispatched, she said, so I could return the sample, and after a couple more questions she wished me all the best and we were done. I have to say, I was impressed by the exchange. The woman was friendly, helpful and seemed genuinely concerned about getting the issue resolved. I don't know what I was expecting. An automated set of recordings or the bored teenager working through a script that I usually seem to encounter when dealing with corporations over the phone, I guess.

Anyway, mail arrived today.


Not quite the Lifetime Supply of Boost Bars I'd been hoping for, but still, nice. "We appreciate you bringing this incident to our attention," the enclosed letter read, "and trust the complimentary parcel you received helped to restore your faith in our products." Well, let's not get too ahead of ourselves. I'll need to verify there are no further contaminants in these products before my faith can be properly restored.

Now, which one to verify first…