The Birdbath World Cup. With record crowds flocking to the games of the FN National FNOccer League, the establishment of a World Cup was merely a matter of time. A generation had grown up living and breathing and eating and drinking and stacking the dishwasher of FNOccer, and now they were passing the passion on. Children around the world were coming home from school, or in from the park, or wherever, and discovering an unexpected gift sitting on their bed. With squeals of delight, and in a frenzy of tearing paper, they'd unwrap it to discover their very first empty plastic bottle. Their eyes would light up, their minds would fill with wonder, and the game played on.
The Birdbath World Cup. At last, the debate that has been raging in pubs, over dinner tables and around water coolers everywhere, will end. The debate over who (or possibly 'whom'?) in the realm of FNOccer is King. For it's true that any man who pulls on a pair of boots and kicks around a plastic bottle is, by definition, a King, but of those Kings, who is Kingest of all? Who has what it takes to rend all rivals asunder and claim that most coveted of crowns, The Birdbath Cup... if, indeed, a cup can be a crown? Well, it can certainly be a cup and, for now, that'll do.
The Birdbath World Cup. It's the game that stops a Nation! Well, part of a nation. Ok, a suburb. And I guess that Templestowe didn't so much stop, as... well, you know, continue on as it was before... but there certainly were some children who stopped to look on as they were passing. For a minute or so. And there were some dogs, too.
Anyway, enough preamble, let the Bottle drop! GAME ON!
ROUND 1
Game 1: Ahab v Bart
A tough draw for Captain Ahab saw him facing off against tournament favourite Bart in the first round. In typical fashion, Bart strutted onto the bricks like a rooster, talking loudly about "another day at the office," and claiming victory was assured even if he was to let only his reputation out onto the Bricks.
Ahab, to his credit, struggled valiantly against his opponent, even firing off a number of rockets that brought the crowd to their feet, but was nevertheless quickly slotted away, 7 goals to 2.
Game 2: Cobbies v Davet
Agent Cobbies arrived at the Cup ready to win. A rigourous pre-season regimen, including 10 sessions of Bikram Hot Yoga, had him "as fit as a Mallee bull." But even a Mallee bull can be thrown onto the backfoot, and Cobbies promptly was, as Davet worked a mighty mill of cracked pepper at his defence.
Cobbies managed to hold the line, but, when looking good at 5 goals to 3, he suddenly fell foul of a rule he claimed to have never heard; but a World Cup is not the place for pillows, daisies, or second chances and the game went on.
But The Agent was rattled, and Davet, sensing the opportunity, dug deep and finally broke through with a pair of two pointers, sealing the game, 7 goals to 5, and sending Cobbies back to the steps to ponder what could have been.
Game 3: JJ Glamma v Steve
Seismographs around the world detected the shockwaves of Game 3.
A trio of quick, unanswered goals to FNOccer Superstar Steve confirmed for many that this was the start of his dream run to glory. But the dream turned slowly into a nightmare, as a passage of uncharacteristically untidy play yielded three penalty shots to JJ.
Playing it slow and steady, JJ chose to take each shot from the safer 1 point penalty line, leaving the more risky 2 point line for those who like to play for higher stakes. As each shot sailed through, JJ not only got himself back in the game, but positioned himself for victory with a couple of follow-up goals on the Bricks, killing a giant 8 goals to 6.
Commentators praised JJ's gutsy and most unexpected victory, wondering if maybe this upset signalled the end for Steve?
ROUND 2
Game 1: Ahab v Cobbies (5th vs 6th)
Round 2 kicked off with a Battle of Brotherly Love that saw the siblings sizzling in a fight to avoid the wooden spoon. Ahab was battling for pride, and Cobbies just to show all that yoga hadn't been for nought. Locked at three goals each, a sudden scorcher from Ahab sent the metal-capped bottle hurtling into Cobbies' right kneecap. The raking right-footer went down, but was up again quickly, stoically declaring, "Who needs a right leg when you've still got a left?"
And moving to a place where he and the bottle were one, Cobbies slammed home a string of winners to take the game 7 goals to 4. Though even last place in the Birdbath World Cup is a stunning achievement, the brothers left with ambitions unfulfilled, each knowing they could have achieved so much more.
Game 2: Davet v JJ (1st Semi-Final)
As Round 2 moved on to Game 2, JJ Glamma's Cinderella Story continued. Many who'd seen him in the lead up to his first match — sitting on the sidelines reading the latest Harry Potter book — questioned how seriously he was taking the tournament. But however unorthodox a warm-up technique it may have been, the boy wizard was clearly having some kind of an effect, because JJ was out there on the Bricks working some magic of his own. Continuing to employ the defensive style that had brought him victory in Round 1, JJ punished any of his opponent's mistakes, as he travelled time and again to the 1 point penalty line and slowly, brick by brick, built Rome in a day.
Troubled at JJ's growing self-belief, Davet dug deep, doing all he could to stave off defeat, but in the end it was JJ who booked himself a ticket to the Birdbath World Cup Grand Final, inching Davet out, 8 goals to 6. It was another stunning victory to JJ, and the success of his 1 point strategy led the commentary team to dub him "JJ the Great One Pointer." Praise came also from his peers, with Cobbies declaring Glamma to be the "revelation of the tournament."
Game 3: Bart v Steve (2nd Semi-Final)
It was the Semi-Final many had expected to be the Grand Final. As the highest scoring loser of the first Round, Steve had scraped into Round 2 as the Lucky Loser, running headlong into the winner of Game 1: Bart. And with JJ Glamma having secured a berth in the actual Grand Final, you might have thought he'd be watching this clash of favourites very intently; analysing, sizing up, getting the measure of his likely hurdle to the Cup. But no; inscrutable as ever, he was back again with his nose buried in Harry Potter. If it ain't broke, I guess?
Well, the Bottle dropped and the arm wrestle began: first a thumping goal to Bart, then a needle-threader to Steve, and it looked like an epic struggle was in store.
But then, in one brief moment — the workings of which can perhaps be explained only by theologians — a golden shaft of sunlight glanced across the Bricks, pausing only to rest, ever so lightly, on the forehead of Steve, anointing his brow with its golden gleam before disappearing in the blink of an angel's eye. And whatever its significance may have been, its effect on Steve was like that of flame to fuel.
Exploding into action, Steve was suddenly working the bottle like a man with six legs, belting a trio of 2 pointers past Bart like he wasn't even there, and taking the game — possibly the quickest ever — 7 goals to 1. Any questions concerning Steve's form were crushed under a hail of plastic bottles and, falling over themselves in a scramble for superlatives, the commentary team dubbed him The Postman; for neither rain nor sleet nor driving rain nor Bart the Toberua Prancer shall halt the delivery of his goals.
Stunned and shaken, Bart shook his opponent's hand and scuttled back to the steps, where Rosie the dog tenderly licked his wounds.
ROUND 3
Grand Final: JJ Glamma v Steve
It was the re-match Steve had been desperate to play; desperate to show that his loss in the first Round had been only a blip and to restore balance to the Force.
But before the Question of the Day could be answered, the tournament combatants put aside their respective claims, coming together for an amiable amble to 7-Eleven and The Fish Balloon for a Feast of Champions. And if you're the sort who'd like to know what FNOccer Grand Finalists eat for lunch (perhaps so as to inform your own sporting diet), the answer can be found EXCLUSIVELY here. JJ tucked in to a minimum order of Fish Balloon chips (plenty of carbs), and a new blend of Slurpee that contained electrolytes! Where will they turn up next? Steve, on the other hand, wolfed down a Fish Balloon Hamburger with the Lot and a small (glass) bottle of Pepsi Max. Would Steve's 'One with the Lot' sit like a lead weight in his guts and slow him down on the Bricks? And would JJ's electrolyte-laden Slurpee do for him... whatever the hell it is electrolytes are supposed to do for you? Well, let's end this increasingly prolix post by jumping in and finding out. Game on!
Steve won 7/3.
Below Left: Postman Steve, Keeper of the FNOath.
Below Right: The Birdbath Cup.
See you next year!
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